Coming Clean

I have had some real heavy hearted things going on lately.

First, a great-great-aunt died after being in a retirement home for less than a year. My parents lived across the street from her before she moved into the home. We were never close, but we were right across the street. And I have always been proud of my family for how close we are… yet there she was, the closest person to us, and one of the people I know least. …and I can’t help but thinking that’s how she died, too… alone. I hope not, but my heart won’t let it go.

Then I found out that a cousin and his wife have divorced after 14 years. They each had their problems… and it seems like they finally just gave in to each other by giving up. The parts of the story I’ve heard lend themselves to that interpretation. What I know of them lends itself to that interpretation. My cousin contested nothing and gave his wife everything. She, in turn, agreed to joint custody. It just doesn’t seem right.

Lastly, I’m trying, perhaps too late, to figure out how to rectify how the local church abandoned my family. They “invited” each member of my family that was actively a part of the church (and had been so for years) to step down and out from their ministries. This, in turn, left my family feeling unwanted at church, and so they stopped attending. I’m trying to get them back… to try to keep the family together… because I see it falling apart at the seams soon. And I don’t know how I’ll handle that. They’re part of my core. But it all seems to have come unraveled especially after leaving church.

All these beautiful people… so close together… falling further away and farther apart. It’s not right. I’ve always felt it was not my place to intervene because all it does is invite hardship. I think hardship is coming either way. I’ve watched abandonment right before my eyes as a passive victim. Perhaps it’s time for me to step up and fight for the good.

I posted this on AYOR the other day. I’ve read it a hundred times over and just really like what I had to say in it. Therefore, I find it only appropriate that I post it in my blog.

There is a created order to the human experience. In the act of the Fall, that order was violated and cast mankind for the rest of its pre-salvific existence to be naturally at odds in any number of ways with that order.

We call this God-created human order the Law of Human Nature or, more simply, morality. We call violations to this order sin.

In acting out our daily lives there are then two concerns: (1)God’s creative purpose and (2)why we’re acting as we are. In most cases, doing things with a right or wrong motivation is what makes the actions themselves right or wrong. But that I do not do something does not mean I have not sinned - that is why Jesus tells us that if we merely look upon a woman with adultery in our mind, the deed is done. Does that mean that I’m now vindicated in going ahead and committing adultery? Of course not… it just illustrates that my sinfulness is inward and not just outward… and the battle is to correct our inmost selves and the let outward changes flow from that.

So driving over a speed-limit is a sin insofar as the heart that I have while speeding. If I speed out of rebellion, I sin. If I speed out of impatience, I sin. If I speed out of absent-mindedness… it’s arguable, but we’re probably sinning. If I speed because I’m trying to avoid an accident or because my wife is in labor or because my children are in the hospital at death’s door… I dare say that is not sin. And as a matter of fact, a cop will generally clear the way for you.

In discussing morality, we have an awful tendency to look at to Scripture and say “this action is sin” or “this action is not sin”, and I agree that Scripture is teaching us what is and isn’t sinful. But I don’t see the writers trying to teach me that homosexuality is wrong. I see the writers teaching me there’s something that God created that needs to be upheld. I don’t see the apostles declaring that fascism or capitalism or monarchism is God ordained. I see the writers teaching me that there is something to the authorities of the world that a heart intent on violating them in a manner that is not seeking God and not serving my fellow man is a violation of His own reign.

I feel like when we start discussing sin, we fall into legalism: saying this or that is wrong more or less arbitrarily, but then say “oh no… it’s not arbitrary… it’s written right here in the Bible word for word!” The Pharisees said the same thing.

This is a very difficult post, particularly starting around the middle through to the end. Not because it is me or because it is what I believe but because I have suffered for it. I have no regrets in this post… only a whimper of fear of pain that may come from it. …but that is another post altogether.

Alright, so up to this point I’ve described:
My Childhood
My Own Personal Hell
My Adolesence
The Start of College College
and now we’re at my theological formative years.

Now, as I indicated in the previous TRIT post, I entered college with a bit of a personal struggle: namely going along with Reformed theology. After finding myself immersed in it, I eventually adopted it for lack of anything better. I mean, I got to give it to the Reformed tradition: it is vigorous and thorough. I really had an appreciation for that. There was not anything Reformists would shy away from: it tried to pull everything into its context.

So, I started to attend Church, and I most regularly attended (if you can call my attendance regular) Jeff’s church, Grace Presbyterian. I. love. this. church. It was seriously out of my way, but I was always enriched when I attended, and it really welcomed us college folk. I felt welcomed; I enjoyed and was challenged by what was taught.

At school I got involved with a number of guys for Bible studies and prayer groups. Most of them were informal things; a few of them were formal in that they followed specific study material - and most of these were apologetics of some kind. I did two exegetical studies: one on Galatians and one on Romans. I never much cared very much for exegetical studies because, well, at some point or another, the study tends to ram rod you: ignore what it seems like it could be saying and repeat what we’re saying it means.

As good counterpoint to everything I was doing, there were among my brotherhood a few Catholics… and I liked to pick on them. It wasn’t a mean thing, it was a brotherly-ribbing thing, and plus they welcomed it because they had a lot to share about Catholicism that a lot of people would not otherwise know or understand. Also, because of some of the apologetic studies I had done, I liked to see how far it would get me with the Catholics Surprisingly (or not), not very far.

So what I saw in all of this was that I was getting a good, holistic Christian education and becoming able to see the Mere Christianity in all of it. That’s when I decided to pick up Mere Christianity and give it a read through (stopped short in the last 100 pgs.. can’t remember why). The book is fascinating. There are a lot of things that people can learn from C.S. Lewis in how he presents it. I’ll sum it up in three brief, overly broad, and unjust rules: (1) Know where you’re going (2) Explore and destroy all other paths in brief to get there (3) Don’t expect people to understand the destination - explain it to them.

The next big thing to happen was Lisa. Lisa and I began talking over the Internet the fall of my sophomore year. We met because my friend Jason added her to my ICQ list. She and Jason had met at a church retreat the summer before and had been chatting in email. When Jason learned I had ICQ, he added her to my list and would chat to her or have me send messages to her. What’s that you ask? How is it that I and Lisa actually started talking without me possibly dashing any love interest between her and Jason? Oh, well, there was no love interest between Jason and Lisa - see, it was in Jason’s plan to enroll into seminary upon graduation and head into the Roman Catholic priesthood.

And this is the beginning of a very raw rub for me. I never intended to grow into any kind of interest in Lisa. The ICQ thing was just a thing I did for Jason. However, in between me sending messages for Jason and me making fun of Jason in those messages, Lisa and I began to talk. We had a lot in common - she and I lived close by over the summer, we did a lot of the same things, I knew of her church (Catholic if you haven’t figured it out yet) and had been there once or twice with a friend from highschool, etc. etc. etc. All the things people get to know about each other that makes them interested in each other. And after three months of chatting, I knew I was interested in Lisa. …but she was Catholic.

Now, being Catholic would have been a deal breaker if my interest had not grown so strong. And there were a couple of milestones in our “real life” relationship that helped me swallow the pill of Lisa’s Catholicism for the time being:
(1) on our third date I asked her if I would have to convert in order to marry her. She said no, so I decided we could continue dating.
(2) somewhere after 3 months of dating, it became evident that Lisa was not a fair weather Catholic… I either needed to end it ….or try to convert her. Well, I had been a jerk to all my Catholic brothers before about silly Catholicism, so I figured could jerk her around a little bit, too, if it meant I could keep her (because I did genuinely love her by now). The worst that would happen is that she’d break up with me: darn. The best thing that could happen is that she would convert: ideal. The road ahead was very long for the both of us I daresay.

So, in order to convert Lisa, I began to study Catholicism. Not just the counter apologetics about the Catholic Church but also what the Catholic Church affirmed about itself. It’s amazing how different the two sides are about what the Catholic Church says. And after a lot of time, I rediscovered the Early Father’s, and I started sizing them up in this equation: which of these two sides is telling me the truth? How do I share the Gospel to win over the other side?

If you didn’t pick up on it, I had begun asking dangerous questions: which side is telling me the truth? I had laid myself open to being won over by a side in studying how to bring someone over to my side. I find that ironic because it certainly wasn’t suppose to happen.

And this is where I found myself for certain on this old dirt road, walking with my forefathers in faith. We weren’t really talking, but they were sharing with me the core, the richness, and beauty of their faith. I speak their names with love: Peter, John, Paul, Ignatius, Justin Martyr, Irenaeus, and the list goes on. This is where you can find them. There’s a lot of stuff there, a lot of context for what the early Church taught and clung to and believed. And when I began to ask them where is this road leading me, I found a common theme: this is the Emmaus road.

Luke 24
The Road to Emmaus
13And behold, two of them were going that very day to a village named Emmaus, which was about seven miles from Jerusalem.
14And they were talking with each other about all these things which had taken place.
15While they were talking and discussing, Jesus Himself approached and began traveling with them.
16But their eyes were prevented from recognizing Him.
17And He said to them, “What are these words that you are exchanging with one another as you are walking?” And they stood still, looking sad.
18One of them, named Cleopas, answered and said to Him, “Are You the only one visiting Jerusalem and unaware of the things which have happened here in these days?”
19And He said to them, “What things?” And they said to Him, “The things about Jesus the Nazarene, who was a prophet mighty in deed and word in the sight of God and all the people,
20and how the chief priests and our rulers delivered Him to the sentence of death, and crucified Him.
21″But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel. Indeed, besides all this, it is the third day since these things happened.
22″But also some women among us amazed us. When they were at the tomb early in the morning,
23and did not find His body, they came, saying that they had also seen a vision of angels who said that He was alive.
24″Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just exactly as the women also had said; but Him they did not see.”
25And He said to them, “O foolish men and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken!
26″Was it not necessary for the Christ to suffer these things and to enter into His glory?”
27Then beginning with Moses and with all the prophets, He explained to them the things concerning Himself in all the Scriptures.
28And they approached the village where they were going, and He acted as though He were going farther.
29But they urged Him, saying, “Stay with us, for it is getting toward evening, and the day is now nearly over.” So He went in to stay with them.
30When He had reclined at the table with them, He took the bread and blessed it, and breaking it, He began giving it to them.
31Then their eyes were opened and they recognized Him; and He vanished from their sight.
32They said to one another, “Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?”
33And they got up that very hour and returned to Jerusalem, and found gathered together the eleven and those who were with them,
34saying, “The Lord has really risen and has appeared to Simon.”
35They began to relate their experiences on the road and how He was recognized by them in the breaking of the bread.

The Real Presence. Proclaimed and believed from the earliest of days. Defended rigorously throughout the time of the Church. The most precious and beautiful of all Christian gifts and mysteries as proclaimed by our own forefathers.

John 6
52Then the Jews began to argue with one another, saying, “How can this man give us His flesh to eat?”
53So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in yourselves.
54″He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.
55″For My flesh is true food, and My blood is true drink.
56″He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him.
57″As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats Me, he also will live because of Me.
58″This is the bread which came down out of heaven; not as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will live forever.”
59These things He said in the synagogue as He taught in Capernaum.
60Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this said, “This is a difficult statement; who can listen to it?”
61But Jesus, conscious that His disciples grumbled at this, said to them, “Does this cause you to stumble?
62″What then if you see the Son of Man ascending to where He was before?
63″It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life.
64″But there are some of you who do not believe ” For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who it was that would betray Him.
65And He was saying, “For this reason I have said to you, that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted him from the Father.”
66As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore.
67So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?”
68Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.

Broken and miserable and yet awed and overjoyed I found myself yearning to come with my forefathers in faith to the table to eat and drink of the mystery of the real flesh and real blood of the Lamb of God. Amen.

…on this here blog…

I think I know part of the reason why.

you people aren’t linking to me!!!

If you love me or like me.. or, heck, if you simply want to affirm that I am your mortal enemy who for eternity will be locked in an on-going blood feud… then you’ll affirm so by taking the time to go to your little blog-space and adding a link to my blog.

New posts with real content are to follow.

That is all.