Blog Dreams, Beautiful People
I had my first blog dream last night. I dreamt I was at Mass, I think. And across the way I saw Rachel and her family and Matt and crew.
I got so excited to go across and finally meet them face-to-face.
And then I woke up.
And then I was sad.
I really like Matt and Rachel’s blog because they (on the surface of their blogs) seem like genuinely beautiful people … not in the sense that they are attractive in their physical features but in the sense that they exude Beauty in their writings about their thoughts and daily lives.
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Last night in the parish parking lot, I saw my friend Tony, the grandfather of one of Lisa’s best friends. He is perhaps one of the most beautiful people I know. We talked for a bit, and he was telling me the joy he had found in working with the teens again: teens were receiving his love and finding love in him, the Church, and our Savior and reassuring his love. Some had adopted him as a grandparent figure as their own grandparents had passed on.
I told him that it wasn’t hard to believe – he’s one of the most beautiful people I know. For me, at the moment, that’s a pretty big compliment.
Maybe it was a lack of context of the thoughts I’ve had lately … maybe it was because of self-doubt … but it seemed to me that he drew back from my statement. And I saw, for a moment, a mirror of my own self-doubt.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about my last post lately. Mainly wondering how willing I am to accept the call to Love and Beauty. And while I think I’m an alright guy, I have a real difficult time looking at myself as Beautiful.
I have never really thought of myself as having a problem loving myself, loving my being … but when I want to go so far as to say that I can see, in myself, Beauty … I honestly can’t do it. I don’t see it. I know my wife sees … something. I know others do, too. But me … I can’t see it.
Maybe I’m scared to see it. Regardless, there’s a lot that remains un-Beautiful in me … maybe seeing myself as Christ sees me is the first step towards solving all these questions and doubt. And for once, I can see a real need for prayer beyond a sense of duty from the exhortations to pray. If I am to see as Christ sees, it will only be through prayer.
U2, be my muse, one more time:
I’ve seen you walk unafraid
I’ve seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?
Thanks for saying it, Bono.