Malaise
Malaise rhymes with Mayonaise, but it’s nowhere near as sweet. In fact, quite opposite.
With Mayonaise, I can enjoy a ham/turkey/meat sandwhich, banana sandwhich, peanut butter banana sandwhich (I know, it sounds gross), cole slaw (yes, I like it), potato salad … ok, that’s the short list. OH! and I get to lick the knife or spoon or whatever other utensil I use to spread it with.
Malaise … is like a mild form of depression. You don’t particularly feel down; you most definitely don’t feel up; you aren’t frustrated, you aren’t relaxed … you’re just stuck … kinda glad you’re not on the negative side of things … but not really. Just about anything would be better than this. If things were down, you could fight it. If things were up, you’d try to keep it going. The malaise … well … you could try to fight it … but you don’t know how because you don’t know what’s causing it … and things aren’t exactly wrong … just a sense of … not-right-ness.
Malaise is not apathy. It’s just a loss of direction – a compass without a needle.
Malaise is where I’ve been since some time in the middle of Lent. My malaise has a taste of wanderlust in it … but I don’t think it’ll go anywhere. I’ve had that wanderlust nigh 2 years now. I can’t do whatever it is I need to do to get out of the funk … and, even if I could, I don’t know what I would do. I tried to do the Deacon thing; Lisa stopped me short (and I don’t blame here in the least). I tried working different ministries at the ol’ parish. I always get the feeling home needs me more, so those things have kinda fizzled. Small groups have more or less been a bust. Soooooooo … I’ve tried a number of things to try to vanquish the malaise … but here I am. So either it’s “not my time” or I’ve not found “whatever it is”.
So … malaise. It’s where I’m at, and I’d like out. My failure rate is starting to become inversely proportional to my desire to “try” … maybe if I don’t try, it’ll better my odds of getting out? … sounds kinda defeatist. oi, but this is just the malaise all over.
Hey buddy. If you need to talk sometime, let me know.