Coming Clean

Revelation in Progess

What Will You Say?

It’s been such a long time
And I was just a child then
What will you say when you see my face?

Time feels like its flown away
The days just pass and fade away
What will you say when they take my place?

It’s funny now
I just don’t feel like a man
What will you say when you see my face?

Mother dear, the world’s gone cold
No one cares about love anymore
What will you say when you see my face?

Father do you hear me?
Do you know me?
Do you even care?
What will you say when I take your place?

Well my heart can’t take this anymore!
What will you say when you see my face?

I can feel your time crawling
to a slow end.
I can feel my time crawling
to a slow end.

Mother dear, the world’s gone cold
No one cares about love anymore
What will you say when you see my face?

Father do you hear me?
Do you know me?
Do you even care?
What will you say when you take my place?

Well it’s funny now
I just don’t feel like a man
What will you say?

–Jeff Buckley in concert

Jeremy


At home
Drawing pictures
Of mountaintops
With him on top
Lemin yellow sun
Arms raised in a V
And the dead lay
In pools of maroon below

Before Columbine, Colorado there was Richardson, Texas. In Richardson, Texas, a kid named Jeremy walked into his classroom and blew his brains out in front of his teacher and classmates. Jeremy inspired Eddie Vedder and was then immortalized after a fashion through the lyrics of Pearl Jam. Jeremy was an anthem of sorts to any lonely, abused kid in highschool… an undercurrent that threatened to turn into a riptide, pulling our souls into the dark deep to be lost.

Daddy didn’t give attention
To the fact that
Mommy didn’t care

Today, I see Jeremy as a warning, but the people that it should be warning didn’t listen to Pearl Jam. It was their children listening. And these children didn’t hear a warning – they heard a siren song. They identify with Jeremy – his isolation, his suffering, the failure of his parents – and in a lot of ways, Jeremy emboldens them down the wrong path – into the riptide and out to the deep.

King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world

Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today

I watched the video with my wife. The video is everything a music video should be: it should make more alive the story a song is telling. Of course, if all videos tried that, we’d quickly see how shallow many songs are. Lisa had never seen it before, and it upset her. The girl I was perhaps closest with in highschool loved it – a fellow soul: in some ways near misery.

Clearly I remember
Picking on the boy
Seemed a harmless little f***

But we unleashed a lion
Gnashed his teeth,
Bit the recess ladies breast

How could I forget

He hit me with a surprise left
My jaw left hurtin’
Dropped wide open
Just like the day…
Like the day I heard…

What is it about adolescence that leaves us feeling so alone, isolated, alienated? I hope to remember to re-read this in 10 years time and pull out my Pearl Jam albums to remember my time in this confusing age. But most importantly, I hope I remember to be able to listen, appreciate, and engage my children in their culture, on their turf, and hopefully keep them grounded in love.

Daddy didn’t give affection
And the boy
Was something Mommy wouldn’t wear

King Jeremy the wicked
Ruled his world

Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today

Some things can’t be taken back… Some healing just isn’t for this lifetime… Some injuries have to be carried for a lifetime like a festering disease… Like the face of Jeremy, etched into the minds of his teacher, his classmates, and his parents… You can’t forget it… You can’t erase it… You can only hope that the limited healing from the disease can keep away another outbreak…

Try to forget this…
Try to erase this…
From the blackboard

A good page on the real story of Jeremy

I bet Heaven is a lot like Music

For most of my life, I’ve participated in music. I sing, I play, and – though you’ll never hear a lick of it – I tinker at composing.

The thing about music is that it’s creative and beautiful. The beauty can be a single simple melody, but I’ve never heard a single simple melody that cannot be made yet more beautiful by other musical parts.

And it’s here in the communion of musical voices, each moving and dancing harmoniously in their respective ranges, resonances, and tones, following the beating measure given by the director, that heaven is captured and gives us here in the present moment an opportunity to glimpse into the way things were created to be. Music very readily explains it all for us without needing word or reason except simply to be and follow freely within our part, with our own expression while remaining within the spirit of the score.

(more…)

Of Sailors and Wails

This blog needs a story. That’s how I kicked this blog off, and it is what’s been missing these past few months. Music has been on my mind a lot – namely how it has shaped my life. I think I’ll be adding a new category under “Uninteresting Me” entitled “The Blur through Music” that captures my life through music. So here’s the first entry.

Most people say they had the most fun in their life in college. I had my most fun in high school. I was on top of the world there. I did everything. I was not the coolest guy around, but I was known and respected – though I did not realize it then. It’s all a blur, and I remember it most vividly through music.

I was a band nerd. I entered playing the flute – I was technically solid, but there’s a finesse that’s needed to make a flute player great. I do not have that finesse. But all it takes to be a great piccolo player is technical ability. So I switched. Solid air support, near pitch perfect intonation, decent vibrato, and mad finger skills made me perhaps one of the finest piccolo players in all Cobb County and perhaps the state. Being a piccolo player doesn’t get you into honor bands though.

My freshman year of highschool, I had yet to enter puberty in full force. My voice was still that of a young boy for the whole year, and I left for summer at the end of that year just scraping over 5 feet tall. When we had to sing our parts, I was a beautiful, boisterous flute part.

There was one particular piece, however, that proved to be particularly problematic and troublesome for me. It is entitled “Of Sailors and Whales” and has an interlude where the band’s parts were to be sung between male voices and female voices. For two weeks I tried to sing the male part… but I just couldn’t do it. It hurt to strain to get low enough to even seem like I was blending with the tenor of the male choir. If I had kept it up, I probably could have really damaged my throat… and so, one day after giving it my all… I raised my hand… and meekly asked the question I dreaded to ask: “Should I sing the girl part?”

Oddly enough, the thought had not entered into anyone else’s mind that perhaps I was having a hard time with it or even that perhaps it would be easier for me to sing the female voice. Once asked if I should sing the female voice, my band director laughed for about 10 seconds then started crying for the next 5 minutes because he couldn’t breath – as did the rest of my friends and classmates. I had single-handedly ended class half a period early. I was embarassed to be sure, but I was more relieved that it was okay that I sing the female part. I’d like to think it was good humor that I was able to laugh along with everyone else – it was funny despite any personal embarasment. From then on though, singing rehearsal was “Girls! …and Spencer *snicker*”

Thankfully, after the summer, 8 inches of height, and a new voice, the jokes of my castrati persona was laid to rest.