I don’t know if I have had been so loaded with things on my mind until this point in my life.No wonder I’m braking out, its the stinken stress I’m under. If I could just pick one or the other the stress would go away, right? I don’t think so, I just think a whole new stress would come upon me. Its not ones fault but my own (well I could blame Carla to make myself feel better but that wouldnt help anything now would it? ;)). I literally feel like two people are pulling my arms in opposite directions. Both which look appealing to me, so which do I help the tug-o-war with? I effect people if I stay or if I go, which makes me feel loved. But then I don’t want to hurt anyone and ether choice I make, I’m going to somehow. I hate that. Its like I cant win or lose, isn’t there supposed to be some outcome? Its easy for you to say “The Lord will guide you”. I believe He will but that’s the difference between you saying that and me believing it. You got easy and I don’t. I still sit here, weighing the pros and cons, wanting, yet again a big billboard of a sign telling me what to do. God has never worked that way in my life, so why do I always expect Him to?

Its been a full but slow week. I mean Friday is JUST getting here. Did everyone else have a slow week?

Some things have been happening that I thought might be blog worthy to share. Yesterday actually was a pretty exciting day, it started off with me walking into work and seeing the side of our building was covered (were talking thousands) with bugs. I told Brian when I walked in and they were aware of it. I assumed it was a typical late May thing in Alabama. When I walked up front to my assigned area and looked out the front window there were bugs on the front windows and all over our sign. It was SO gross.Someone told me they were May flys, which didn’t tell me much other than they now had a name instead of the one I gave them (gross looking things that creepy me out and have some odd tail creepy thing) A bird came and ate a good amount of them, bug buffet for the birdie. I felt a little like Moses with the plague of bugs. I know it probably was a lot worse, but thats as close as I want to get. Apparently they were all over town because my pastor and I were talking about them and he was giving a talk at some center and the bugs were mating on the windows. Nice huh?

Went to church to watch Sydney and Connor for the last time for a while. Jon told me that small groups wont be meeting for a while so they wouldn’t be needing me. That made me very sad, I love being around Sydney and Connor. Sydney was so happy last night it was so sweet. She’s also able to stand up now, which is of course huge! She’ll be walking before her first birthday. Also at church, one of the small groups came out saying that had heard a cat in the wall and had to cut a hole in the wall to get it out. It wasn’t a cat but a kitten! I tiny kitten who was just soooo little! Thomas ended up taking it home (though he thought I should. I told him Emma would eat her) and feeding her for the night. Kim is going to adopt Hero (because we rescued her!) today I was told. So she’ll be in a good home. We actually don’t know if its a she or he yet because its too little, but I of course think its a she.

Tonight we had a dinner party for the four new people who just joined the GSH family. We went to Cancun for dinner (one of the few yummy Mexican restaurants in town) and it was a lot of fun.Only bad thing about big dinner parties is that you really only can talk to your end of the table. And of course my end of the table was better, but I made my way down to the other side to talk. Margaret my boss came with her husband, which was great because managers never usually come out to our gatherings. The restaurant had Mexican band playing which made me feel that I was very not in Alabama.

Whew, well theres the past two days highlights in a nutshell.

My friend Kari wrote a heart tugging blog today. Her struggle has greatly encouraged me. She also quoted my second favorite song writer, Andrew Peterson with his song “Silence of God” . (If you are not familiar with the song, please read the words) First, I cant express enough what comfort I take when I read a friend’s email or blog on something they are going through and understand them because I feel the same way. I always feel like I’m the only one on earth that feels that way. That thought in and of it self tells you how selfish I actually am. Its all about me, didn’t you know? Being truthfully honest, as “wrong” as it may be, that’s how I feel. But, its usually at the lowest points of feeling that way God uses others to show me that He has not forgotten me, not for one moment. The song that Kari and I both can relate to was written by someone who at some point in them was experiencing it as well. (Probably in two different ways thought) A lot of times as much as the words touch me, its not enough because its not happening to that person right now.

Even though I know without a doubt that God took every pain and suffering I ever try to carry on that cross, I still feel lost at times. Followers get lost, we question, we go through pain and heartaches. To say we never do is saying we never live life in a fallen world, we do. Hiding these struggles we have so we can appear to be “the best Christian” doesn’t help ourselves or anyone around us. I shared this morning something I had been carrying around and the response wasn’t “You are not allowed to feel this way.” or “Your such a failure Alisa”. Not that I was expecting that, but I felt that. The actually response was “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” It was probably the most perfect response. It didn’t make it any clearer, but it helped lift a little of what I was carrying around. I’m just done hearing the “Christian answer”. I know you’ll pray for me. I know I should pray. I know the Lord will take care of it. But guess what, that’s NOT what I feel right now. Feelings aren’t to be trusted, I whole heartily agree with that, I’m not trusting my feelings, but I’m feeling my feelings. Nothing wrong about that.

I know I have a problem letting others know what’s bothering me. I have a circle of people I tell and that’s about all. I don’t deal with a lot of things with others. As much as I say when others share their struggles it helps me, not burden me, why I don’t do it? Pride? That’s the only answer that seems tangible to me. God will work through my pride. He always breaks down my walls, even if its just the tiny part of my will wanting Him to. I know its going to hurt, whatever path He takes me down because it wont be my way. But He has faithful this far in my life, I have no reason not to trust Him through the pain.

“He wants to transform every form of human suffering into something glorious. He can redeem it. He can bring life out of death. Every event of our lives provides opportunity to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on earth, “My present life is not that of the old ‘I’, but the living Christ within me.” (Galatians 2:20 JBP) When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that He will indeed give resurrection life.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

Along with Andrew, Sara Groves has a song that is just her and her piano that goes right along with my thoughts. She says its probably better than all my words put together, so if I’m not making sense, maybe she will with her song “Awakening”:

Dress down your pretty faith, give me something real
Leave out the Thee and Thou and speak to me now
Speak to my pain and confusion
Speak through my fears and my pride
Speak to the part of me that knows I’m something deep down inside

I know that I’m not perfect, but compare me to most
In a world of hurt in a world of anger I think I’m holding my own
And I know that you’ve said there is more to life
No I am not satisfied
But there are mornings I wake up and I’m just thankful to be alive

I’ve known for quite a while that I am not whole
I’ve remembered the body and the mind, but dissected the soul
Now something inside is awakening
Like a dream I once had and forgot
And it’s something I’m scared of and something I don’t want to stop

I woke up this morning and realized
Jesus is not a portrait
Or stained glass windows
Or hymns
Or all the tradition that surrounds us

I thought it would be hard to believe in, but it’s not hard at all
To believe I’ve sinned
And fallen short
Of the glory of God

He’s not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He’s asking to take my place
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real amazing grace

And it’s not just a sign or a sacrament
It’s not just a metaphor for love
The blood is real and it’s not just a symbol of our faith

The thing at the roomies apartment that we have right now is the “stress cube” as we like to call it. Its probably one of the best “happy meal” (not all the toys comes from McD’s so thats why happy meal is in quotes) toys Ive gotten in a long time. My friend Amy (at work Amy since I know 4 of them) and I get a lot of “happy meals” between the two of us because thats just the right amount to fill us up. We give each other the toy because 1) its fun and 2) neither one of us really want it. She ended up using one I gave her (an over mit from Arby’s) to her puppy who loved it. Today she gave me a rolling tongue that spits out jokes. (Yes, you read that right.) The stress cube wasn’t actually from Amy, but when I speak of “happy meal” toys I think of her. This one came from Sonic in Fairview, TN on my way to the Popular Genius show. Ashley didn’t like it that I kept playing with it while driving. Not only is it fun its also education.

I have been sucked into the trend . I tend not to like the stuff that everyone else likes. Most of my music is indy or names or Christian bands that don’t hit the charts. I don’t find anything wrong with listening to the “non-popular” stuff that I do. I love it in fact. And this morning I was doing research on the world wide web to find a link to go with the new book that I am reading. Being that its an advance copy (perks of working a bookstore), its not on amazon.com where I normally get my links for my “what I’m reading” (aka “Who’d have thought that love could be so caffeinated?”) link section. In this search I have stumbled upon lots of articles connected with this book by Steeple Hill Cafe (that’s one of the reason I asked my boss if I may steal her advance copy. Not only did it look cute but it has cafe at the end of the publishing name!). Apparently this is a very popular trend in the Christian market. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.

I don’t read every Christian fiction that comes out, unlike a good handful of customers that I have gotten to know because they come in every week to get themselves a new book. I once had a lady come in after recommending her Redeeming Love and asking her how she liked it. She said “I just wish my husband would love me as much as that man loved Angel.” Her response to me let me baffled and I didn’t know what quite to say to her. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t allowed to read anymore fiction books and just her bible if that’s going to happen. There are some women in the world who need to stay away from fiction, it can be as bad as guys looking at porn and I am dead serious. Lust is lust, end of story. Sorry, this is a blog about Christian chic lits, not Joshua Harris’ new book.

Anyways, I do read some Christian fiction, some of the popular stuff even (Francine Rivers, some Lori Copland) and have never had a problem with it. I guess my feeling of uncomfortable (wedgie type uncomfortable) is that my first Christian chic lit was “What a Girl Wants” and I was the first to read it (in my circle of reading friends). Everyone loved it that I recommend it too, which made me feel warm fuzzys inside because books are real personal to me (heck I call them friends at times). So, when someone doesn’t like something I enjoyed reading, I don’t like it. But I never knew picking up the brightly covered book that Id be sucked into a trend.

The Whitney Chronicles from the 116 pages I have read so far its a lot like “What a Girl Wants”. I don’t have a problem with that because I’m enjoying reading it. But little less than half way through it, I doubt I will buy it. I’m a quote girl, I highlight or write down quotes from books a lot. I haven’t written down as many quotes from this book so more than likely I probably wont buy it, but its a cute book. I’ll have to review it (and maybe even send it to Relevant since we are talking about trends) when I am done which I don’t do often enough on my blog, review books.

I know there’s nothing wrong with liking what’s popular. Heck, that says that the company’s marketing for the popular whatever is doing a fine job (I blame it on my weakness of brightly colored book covers). I wish the reviewers would pick a different phrase rather than “Bridget Jones goes to church.” That rubs me the wrong way. I know the Christian market is 10 years behind in the chic lit trend and this is what they are pulling these new book ideas from. Come to think of it, is there anything the Christian market has made up on its own without copying secular markets? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we have a Christian fiction section to pick from instead of just the trashy (”You got porn” Is it bad I think of Friends very often when I type?) books with covers that make you feel dirty. I don’t know where I’m going with this (most of my ponderings end this way). I think I don’t want to get wrapped up in a Christian bubble. As much as its healthy and a good idea to surround myself with Christian friends and Christian materials, its only healthy to a degree.

“15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify[2] them by the truth; your word is truth. 18As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. John 17:15-19
I was trying to find the verse that says “be in the world not of it” but I could not find it. Many thanks to Jason , Carla and Ashley who helped my search for this, what we think is a Christian phrase and not an actually bible verse.

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?” ~Kathleen Kelly, You Got Mail

First things first… the non really deep thoughts, but things I have been noticing. Summer is upon us and its humidited. Some how, I had forgotten how warm it gets here in Alabama. I know, amazing right? But it was flippin cold this winter (I’m a Cali girl, it was cold *sticks tongue out*) and I’m still not used to seasons. I don’t normally wash my face at night, other than to get my mascara off, but Ive been washing my face nightly due to it feeling so greasy from it being so warm. Once I do, my face is dry and I feel it pulling. I think my face happy when its oily instead of dry, but it just makes me feel so gross. Also, people who have lived in Alabama most of their lives must be really used to the warmness that we experience because twice yesterday in the icky hottness I was stuck talking in it! When theres air-condition available, please, for the love of God and all that is holy, lets use it!

Onto the deeper ponderings… so I got to hang out with a friend whom I haven’t spent quality time with (ie my love tank in that relationship was pretty close to empty) the other night and it was great. We talked about all sorts of things for hours. I drove home thinking we hadn’t hung out in a while but we still sat there and talked like we had hung out everyday. My friend was the one who had the idea of us hanging out that was long over due. I guess I was just surprised that this person still wanted to hang out with me. I know it wasn’t because of anything ether once of us had done. But when we made plans to hang out, that said to me that my friend simply just enjoys being around me.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m just surprised I have friends at times. I don’t think of myself as a person who has problems with self-esteem at all. Nor do I think I have a hard time making friends, not to be all big headed at all, but, I seem to be a pretty likeable person. I had someone be nervous around me this week, I am no one to get nervous about! As much as this person might of been in the most uncomfortable feelings when nervous, it really touched me.
It just amazes me at times when people really genuinely enjoy me. And not just some face I put on to make them like me, but me. This is something that really made me think it was a good idea to say “yes” to my first boyfriend’s plea of moving our relationship forward. We really got to know one another on a week long backpacking trip where we did not have showers, got very dirty and saw each other fresh out of our sleeping bags every morning. If a boy still wanted to date me after that, then theres probably something special about him. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone, I could go on a tangent in a bunch of different ways about friends (a good tangent) but I don’t have time right now. I’m off to trend waters where I almost drowned.

I had a full day and getting home at midnight doesn’t leave much time to write, even though I had something I have been pondering about tonight that I wanted to share but that will have to wait till I have time to write my thoughts out(oh that was a bad run on…). Between my 12-9 shift, potatoes for lunch with desert of reeses pieces (Jordan shhhhhhh) then a late dinner and coffee with talk into the night with a good friend, its bedtime. But I do want to leave you with a little gem to smile at. Thank you Ashley for finding this, it made me laugh.

I put in Sara Groves “Past the Wishing” today while driving to work. I listened to “Glory Come Down” which is a song that got through me a lot when a few months ago when a coworker of mine, well, left the store (theres conflicting reports of ether he was fired or resigned). I was very confused and upset about the whole situation (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please read my blog entry from March 11th and 12th ) and this song just spoke to me deeply, I cant put my finger on why, but it just touched me in a comforting way.

I wish when this coworker’s name is said at work it doesn’t seem like a bad word. He just isn’t talked about and that’s just understood. I hate that. I tried to keep contact after he left… one card in the mail and two emails. I haven’t talked to him in any way in months. Its not because he has left my thoughts and prayers, I think of him and his family all the time. At this point though, I don’t know what to say, and that has always been the problem since that fateful day. I wish I had to words to say to him, but I don’t. I know they are researching things at work and may take action in some matter I don’t understand why. Sure, they feel betrayed greatly, but I felt that way too. But, arnt we are called to love and forgive one another? Despite my crushed feelings, this is what I did. I wish I had answers to questions I believe will always be unanswered. I’m just sad that for whatever reason, I don’t see love and forgiveness in this situation like I thought we were called to give. I’m not saying anything towards anyone person at my work, but its just scary to see that one of our own, a brother in Christ, has been dismissed in such a way. When he’s in his darkest hour, who is there to look past the hurt and the heartache? I know Jesus is bigger than this, but it just greaves me still deeply because of the mass confusion I find myself in. I’ll just keep listening to some great words Sara Groves wrote once again…

It didn’t take me too long to find
The chains you just had freed me from
I got so used to having them on
I didn’t know how to live in freedom

This can’t be, no it can’t be
What you have intended for me
And this can’t be, no it can’t be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse me now
Sovereign and holy, come make me holy now

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can’t be, no it can’t be
What you have intended for us
This can’t be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

This can’t be, no it can’t be
What you have intended for me
This can’t be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for me

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy now

Straight from your holy place,
Lord, make us holy as you are holy
Send it down Lord, just a little bit of heaven here on earth
Send down your glory
Lord we need you, Lord we need you, Lord we need you
Lord I love you, Lord I love you, Lord I love you
Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus

Its a good thing I don’t live alone, my house would always be a wreak I think. Not that the moment Carla walked out the door I went around the house making a mess. The kitchen is just not acceptable right now (and the only way Carla will ever know is that she reads this) and I HAVE to clean it before I go to Nashville today. Its way too early for me to be up for not going to bed till 2am, but here I sit, blogging. But, I like having things clean, I really do, Im just more than likely going to have things clean if Im pleasing someone else to do so. This is why my room is always probably the messy one in the house (er, apartment).

I know I haven’t been blogging lately. Ive been busy and it wasnt really due to a 12-9 shift ether. Ive been working the day shift then hanging out with friends in the evening. Thursday Carla and I went to a local used CD store thats going out of business (which Carla is very sad about it). I got “Stunt” by BNL for 4 bucks. Thats a steal. I love that cd. Carla bought the solo Dave Matthews cd and… well the other one we just wont talk about. (Shes stuck on her 5th grade music.) Then we met a new friend, Thomas over at Crimson Cafe for three more hours of fun of coffee and board games.
Yesterday I did work a 12-9 and then went to another coffee house to watch my friend Jamey Hamm with friends of his play. Jamey is great. Hes a youth pastor at a Baptist church here and comes in the store all the time. I actually met his wife right before I started working at Gospel Supply. They both are sweet people and together they are so fun. I met Ashley, Bubba and Thomas up at Heritage House for the show. Theres something wrong with their white mochas… I don’t know what it is, but yuck. Of course I drank some of it, not to waste good money or hurt Amy Berry’s feelings who made it for me. Jamey has an awesome voice and I really enjoyed listening to him. The only “guest” I caught was a guy who did Caedmons songs (I got very very excited). He did “Lead of Love”, “Dance”, and “Not the Land”. Ashley and I were singing along. Thomas had never heard of the songs. Bubba hadn’t ether. I was thoroughly disappointed in these guys! We all then went over to Ashley’s to watch Shriek. I think we talked through about half of it, which I actually love it when I do that with friends. I guess in a way it shows that the people around are more important than the movie (which we’ve all seen before). All and all, its been a very couple past days and the weekend is just getting started!

Nashville. I love going to Nashville. I don’t know what it is about this city, but just wonderful and I don’t ever mind the four hour drive up there to be in that city. This trip is for the great and wonderful band Popular Genius (go over to their site and listen to them). I haven’t been able to see them live until now and I’m VERY excited. Heck, I even get to stay in the same house as the lead singer. Why is that a good thing? Well, he’s adorable and he knows it and he knows I know it. Crushes a side, I’m very excited to see the show tomorrow night.

(oh and anyone know where the title of the blog is from?)

I love going to church on Wednesdays and tonight was no exception. Connor was the only one I watched tonight. His dad (my pastor) told me that Connor thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread and they made me smile. Jon (my pastor, Connor’s dad) told him that my name isn’t “Lisa” (which is what Connor calls me) but “Alisa” and Connor said “I know that, but thats just what I call her.” Hes so cute and I love being around him.

Also, Jason found this, but wow, they beat Carla and my version big time. WHY do I think this is great?!

I had a pretty good day today, even with a 12-9 shift (my days are usually shot when I work that shift). I went to drop off Hope at the car doctor to check on her breaks and rotate her tires. Something I have been putting off for a while merely because I hate car stuff with a passion. I hope I marry someone who will take my car in whenever it needs it and fill up my gas tank. My friend filled up my gas tank once instead of making me get out and pump it. I thought to myself I could get used to this. Hey, if Derek’s grandma can turn someone down because he cant dance, I can hold out for someone who pumps gas. Anyways, on with my day. So, Carla (be the great roomie she is) takes me and we go over to Wal-Mart so Briley could get an oil change. So we killed some time by looking for a coworker’s registry. We found the last episode of Friends on sale for $7.87, and of course I had to get it. Briley is all good to go and we drive back to the car doctor where Hope is at to find out that my appointment meant squat and they had been “snowed under” and hadn’t got to my car yet. I wasn’t real thrilled because I had to be at work in about an hour and half. Carla (again being the great roomie she is) drove me to work then later called to tell me the car doctor said Hope was all ready. They were suppost to call me at work first all. Second of all, they were suppost to tell me if my breaks needed replacing. I give them a little ring and they tell me Hope’s breaks are fine (yay! no big money spending on Hope!) and they close at 5:30. My coworker offered to drive me over to get her. I appreciated it greatly so Carla didn’t have to drive into town to get help me, but I wished that appointment meant something you know? So I was kinda disappointed walking in, but then they didn’t charge me anything. I left happy.

Work was fine, kinda slow, nothing exciting to report. I was in customer service, which I enjoy. April from church came in to get her check for helping us wrap during the crazy Mother Day’s weekend. I had wanted to go to a softball game that my church played and knew April was on the girls team. She even asked me if I wanted to play. I told her she didn’t know what she was asking because I’m horrible at sports. She said they weren’t very good it was just for fun. I went and found them after work, and it really was fun. I didn’t know what field they’d be playing in, but I knew they had gray shirts. I walked over towards the gray shirts then I heard my friend Katie yell. If you know Katie, you know her yell from anywhere. I knew I had found them. I sat and watched them play and then started seeing the husband and boyfriends who are on the guys team show up. It was so cute, when the girls where waiting for their turn to bat, they’d give they’re dirty, smelly, sweaty guys a hug. I sat and watched about half the game before walking over to the otherside of the park to find my friends Chalene and Justin. Justin plays on their churches team and I knew a lot of the guys because I used to attend their bible study. After both games ended, I walked to my car, not needing a sweater or anything (which is still a strange concept to me, go out at night and not need a sweater of some sort) having the thoughts of how much I loved this.

What did I love so much? The small town-ness I was feeling. The car place, I went there because my friend’s dad told me to go there. He knows the owner, he wouldn’t want me to go anywhere else. They didn’t charge me, which was the first for a car place to me. I know softball games go on all over the country, but it was my friends out there playing. It was a social thing to do, go see them play, weather they were good or bad. I drove home satisfied with my small town day.

I bought cereal yesterday that has those small little marshmallows in it. I’m having a bowl as I write this morning. Oh! A yellow one, I don’t know what it is, but it tastes good. I buy cereals like this time to time. I didn’t get sugar type cereals when I was younger. I remember thinking Grape-Nuts with sugar heated up was a treat or Honey Nut Cheerios. Cereals such as these were saved for an afternoon snack, with or with out milk. (I even could be having a Krispy Kreme donut this morning instead.)

I would say Id have a pretty typical childhood, but I lived with out some things I remember seeing my friends growing up with. I never got a sweet thing in my lunch for school ether. Fruit was a big thing in my family. (Oh a blue balloon marshmallow!) I remember my brother and I being cased with a banana by my dad around our house in Hawaii. Its not that we were bad kids, it had gross black spots on it! But to my dad, it was still good. Now a days, bananas with black spots are good for only one thing, making banana bread.

I never saw Star-Wars when I was younger, so when it came out in theaters for a second time during my teen years, some of my friends wondered how I had a childhood without Star-Wars. I wasn’t allowed to see a PG-13 movie till I was 13 (first one being, Jurassic Park). I wasn’t allowed to “group date” till I was 16 and “one on one date” till I was 18. Being I had a steady boyfriend from the age of 16-19, I kinda through that one out the window.

I hope I don’t come across as wishing for everything I didn’t have. Its not like I read only the Christy Miller series instead of the Baby-Sitters club. But the only teen magazine I read growing up was Brio. I think I was allowed a Teen time to time, but never a subscription. I did more than once feel like the test child to my parents, but I was, I’m the oldest child. I think I had a great childhood just the same though. We moved around a lot, when I was younger. I hated it. It made me sad and excited when we moved from Ca to Hawaii. When the real-estate lady showed up at our door in Hawaii was when I was told we were moving back to Ca, which broken my 8 year old heart. (Did any of you try to get as many marshmallows in one bite? I am) I had actually got roots in Newbury Park, Ca. I went through elementary school, Jr High and my first year of high school with the same group of people. The most awarded years of my life where spent with them. The one time in my life were I was mad at God was when we moved my sophomore year of high school. I had wonderful friends, a wonderful church, a boy actually wanted to date me (I respected my parents wishes though, being I was only 15). Things were going quite good, and I have to leave it all for a beach town. I couldn’t imitation my life now without the 6 years I spent in San Diego.

Now, not thanks to my parents, I’m living a three day drive away from home and all I know. Blame it on the travel bug in me or the fact we moved around when I was younger. But when I get cereal that a 6 year would probably be eating, I tend to sit and think back. I don’t buy the cereal to get back at my parents nor am I trying to make up for something I feel like I didn’t get when I was a child. I just feel like getting this kind of cereal time to time (last time was Berry Kix). This is something I do that’s very not 22 years old of me. *slurp*

I cant sing but, I love to sing. If you ever happen to drive past me, you’ll more than likely find me singing. I must look like a crazy person to anyone who sees me. I somehow forget that my car is full of windows. It has more windows that most areas I spend time in. I guess its the sound-proof part I appreciate greatly. Being I made a habit of singing in my car, when others drive with me, its very hard for me to hold it in at times. Carla has probably had to endure the most of my off tune singing. Once my friend Polly and I were driving down with the windows rolled down singing a Dixie Chick song. We pull up to a stop light and the car that pulls up next to us has a lady whos singing. Her windows are rolled up so we cant hear her, but can see her. We watch her and realize shes on the same radio station as us, singing the same song. That just made me smile. A lot of people sing in their cars, so I dont feel silly doing it, until Im caught. I just try not to make eye contact with people in the cars around me. But, being I live in a smaller town, I see people I know all the time (its starting to get very weird…) so, Im bound at some point in time to be sitting at a light and see someone I know pull up next to me and Im singing my little heart out. At least they cant hear me, right?

If you have not yet experianced the Lions in Kenya link yet, click it. You will thank me later. (Its a favorite in the roomie household)

Also note that I have answered the questions in the last blog (so few too…disappoint in yall) in the comments section, so tune into that.

And lastly, if you came to see my take on the last show of Friends, well I have not seen it yet. So SHHHHHHHHH!

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then if you want go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

Post the questions in the ‘comments’ area so that everyone can see them and their respective answers.

(I stole this from Carla who stole it from Megan who stole it from somebody else. Hey, Im allowed, I worked 12-9 today:) )

*note on the title of the blog. I was singing that all day at work today, even my coworker Chalene knows part of that song now.

Ive wanted a new cd for a little while now. I have a Sara Grooves cd on hold and everything but just cant justify the money right now. But, Popular Genius put a bootleg from Andrew at Bongo Java not too long ago, to me, its just as good as a new cd. Some of these songs I haven’t heard, others are covers (Long Black Veil… amazing) and Im just soaking it all in. Andrew has a unique voice, I love it. He can turn a “If I Only Had a Brain” into something more than a yellow brick road song. All of that to say, thats what I’m living to while I blog tonight.

Speaking of music, like I said before, I went to Atlanta to see Derek Webb and Sandra McCracken. I’m always so sad when Sandra leaves the stage. Nothing personal against Derek, I guess Ive just seen him a lot more, but Sandra is just amazing live. She played her four new songs, just making me more antsy for her album thats recorded to come out. Dave keeps telling me it will be worth the wait. If you don’t listen to Sandra, please, do yourself a favor and give her a listen. Derek did a decent set as well. He played a lot of songs off of LLOL, even “What You Want” which is usually with a electric. He told us that we seem to have something going on with relationships because we are requesting all of his relationship songs. I miss them on the new Caedmons albums, so it was nice to hear them live again. The only songs he played off the his record was “Wedding Dress” (which I always love hearing) “She Must andShall Go Free” “Lover” and “Nobody Loves Me”. He went straight from “Boast No More” to “Ballad from San Francisco” which was funny. He was smiling the whole way through that song. Being that the Holland’s and I were hungry and I had a 3 1/2 hour drive back that night, we didn’t get to stick around to say hi to the Webbs and Dave Jac. Probably the first show in a long while I haven’t stayed to talk. And of course there are photos , so make sure and check them out.

I just returned home not to long ago from a full day. Unexpected lunch to making Michael happy with my Happy Meal toy. Some of the girls from my church played ultimate frisbee today. We play with just girls because the boys have the rep of hogging the frisbee. I was on the winning team, made most of the assist to Amy who scored many of goals. After about 20 minutes we all sat on the ground just out of breath. None of us are in shape, so running around so much worn us out a lot quicker than it should have. After a good rest, we did play a second game where my team just kicked butt. We had such a blast. Broke the frisbee too which ended the game. Who says girls cant be as aggressive as guys! We are women, hear us roar!

I wish I was able to write songs as therapy to myself. Id like to put into a song an hour of my evening I had tonight. Ever had a conversation when its raining between half way rolled up car windows? See, that would make for a good song. No, really, the conversation I had with a dear friend of mine is probably more of what Id write about, if I could write. Let me share a small bite of what we talked about. Over messing up an imprint tonight at work was the last straw for me. I cant really still put my finger on it, but mainly, I’m in a deep need for a Savior but I don’t act like it and I’m very aware. Ive also feel like Ive failed in a lot of ways in my life lately. I might be moving again this summer, which pulls me in so many ways. And those are the few things I feel comfortable enough to share here. My plate just keeps filling up I guess you could say. As I said before, I cant write, so I have to use other people’s writing for some sanity at times. Tonight, in the mist of rain, in my life and outside, this song is in my skin.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise
You’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
-Ginny Owens

I told my friend that the last verse of that song I just couldn’t sing right now. There is a book I remember seeing at the store titled “Here I am God, send somebody else”. That’s so how I feel right now, and I hate it. But as much as I hate it, I don’t want to deal with it. Even though the last thing I wanted to do was tell what I was feeling, it was probably one of the best things Ive done all week. This is not what I planned to come home and blog about tonight. I have many thoughts still bottled in my mind about my trip to Atlanta yesterday I want to share. I’m going to go reread the money chapter in “Blue Like Jazz” by Don Miller and listen to Ginny Owen’s Without Condition.

Oh, and big gold star for anyone who can tell me where the title of this blog comes from.