My friend Kari wrote a heart tugging blog today. Her struggle has greatly encouraged me. She also quoted my second favorite song writer, Andrew Peterson with his song “Silence of God” . (If you are not familiar with the song, please read the words) First, I cant express enough what comfort I take when I read a friend’s email or blog on something they are going through and understand them because I feel the same way. I always feel like I’m the only one on earth that feels that way. That thought in and of it self tells you how selfish I actually am. Its all about me, didn’t you know? Being truthfully honest, as “wrong” as it may be, that’s how I feel. But, its usually at the lowest points of feeling that way God uses others to show me that He has not forgotten me, not for one moment. The song that Kari and I both can relate to was written by someone who at some point in them was experiencing it as well. (Probably in two different ways thought) A lot of times as much as the words touch me, its not enough because its not happening to that person right now.

Even though I know without a doubt that God took every pain and suffering I ever try to carry on that cross, I still feel lost at times. Followers get lost, we question, we go through pain and heartaches. To say we never do is saying we never live life in a fallen world, we do. Hiding these struggles we have so we can appear to be “the best Christian” doesn’t help ourselves or anyone around us. I shared this morning something I had been carrying around and the response wasn’t “You are not allowed to feel this way.” or “Your such a failure Alisa”. Not that I was expecting that, but I felt that. The actually response was “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” It was probably the most perfect response. It didn’t make it any clearer, but it helped lift a little of what I was carrying around. I’m just done hearing the “Christian answer”. I know you’ll pray for me. I know I should pray. I know the Lord will take care of it. But guess what, that’s NOT what I feel right now. Feelings aren’t to be trusted, I whole heartily agree with that, I’m not trusting my feelings, but I’m feeling my feelings. Nothing wrong about that.

I know I have a problem letting others know what’s bothering me. I have a circle of people I tell and that’s about all. I don’t deal with a lot of things with others. As much as I say when others share their struggles it helps me, not burden me, why I don’t do it? Pride? That’s the only answer that seems tangible to me. God will work through my pride. He always breaks down my walls, even if its just the tiny part of my will wanting Him to. I know its going to hurt, whatever path He takes me down because it wont be my way. But He has faithful this far in my life, I have no reason not to trust Him through the pain.

“He wants to transform every form of human suffering into something glorious. He can redeem it. He can bring life out of death. Every event of our lives provides opportunity to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on earth, “My present life is not that of the old ‘I’, but the living Christ within me.” (Galatians 2:20 JBP) When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that He will indeed give resurrection life.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

Along with Andrew, Sara Groves has a song that is just her and her piano that goes right along with my thoughts. She says its probably better than all my words put together, so if I’m not making sense, maybe she will with her song “Awakening”:

Dress down your pretty faith, give me something real
Leave out the Thee and Thou and speak to me now
Speak to my pain and confusion
Speak through my fears and my pride
Speak to the part of me that knows I’m something deep down inside

I know that I’m not perfect, but compare me to most
In a world of hurt in a world of anger I think I’m holding my own
And I know that you’ve said there is more to life
No I am not satisfied
But there are mornings I wake up and I’m just thankful to be alive

I’ve known for quite a while that I am not whole
I’ve remembered the body and the mind, but dissected the soul
Now something inside is awakening
Like a dream I once had and forgot
And it’s something I’m scared of and something I don’t want to stop

I woke up this morning and realized
Jesus is not a portrait
Or stained glass windows
Or hymns
Or all the tradition that surrounds us

I thought it would be hard to believe in, but it’s not hard at all
To believe I’ve sinned
And fallen short
Of the glory of God

He’s not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He’s asking to take my place
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real amazing grace

And it’s not just a sign or a sacrament
It’s not just a metaphor for love
The blood is real and it’s not just a symbol of our faith