Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never one moment forgetting you.
My friend Kari wrote a heart tugging blog today. Her struggle has greatly encouraged me. She also quoted my second favorite song writer, Andrew Peterson with his song “Silence of God” . (If you are not familiar with the song, please read the words) First, I cant express enough what comfort I take when I read a friend’s email or blog on something they are going through and understand them because I feel the same way. I always feel like I’m the only one on earth that feels that way. That thought in and of it self tells you how selfish I actually am. Its all about me, didn’t you know? 
Being truthfully honest, as “wrong” as it may be, that’s how I feel. But, its usually at the lowest points of feeling that way God uses others to show me that He has not forgotten me, not for one moment. The song that Kari and I both can relate to was written by someone who at some point in them was experiencing it as well. (Probably in two different ways thought) A lot of times as much as the words touch me, its not enough because its not happening to that person right now.
Even though I know without a doubt that God took every pain and suffering I ever try to carry on that cross, I still feel lost at times. Followers get lost, we question, we go through pain and heartaches. To say we never do is saying we never live life in a fallen world, we do. Hiding these struggles we have so we can appear to be “the best Christian” doesn’t help ourselves or anyone around us. I shared this morning something I had been carrying around and the response wasn’t “You are not allowed to feel this way.” or “Your such a failure Alisa”. Not that I was expecting that, but I felt that. The actually response was “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” It was probably the most perfect response. It didn’t make it any clearer, but it helped lift a little of what I was carrying around. I’m just done hearing the “Christian answer”. I know you’ll pray for me. I know I should pray. I know the Lord will take care of it. But guess what, that’s NOT what I feel right now. Feelings aren’t to be trusted, I whole heartily agree with that, I’m not trusting my feelings, but I’m feeling my feelings. Nothing wrong about that.
I know I have a problem letting others know what’s bothering me. I have a circle of people I tell and that’s about all. I don’t deal with a lot of things with others. As much as I say when others share their struggles it helps me, not burden me, why I don’t do it? Pride? That’s the only answer that seems tangible to me. God will work through my pride. He always breaks down my walls, even if its just the tiny part of my will wanting Him to. I know its going to hurt, whatever path He takes me down because it wont be my way. But He has faithful this far in my life, I have no reason not to trust Him through the pain.
“He wants to transform every form of human suffering into something glorious. He can redeem it. He can bring life out of death. Every event of our lives provides opportunity to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on earth, “My present life is not that of the old ‘I’, but the living Christ within me.” (Galatians 2:20 JBP) When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that He will indeed give resurrection life.” ~Elisabeth Elliot
Along with Andrew, Sara Groves has a song that is just her and her piano that goes right along with my thoughts. She says its probably better than all my words put together, so if I’m not making sense, maybe she will with her song “Awakening”:
Dress down your pretty faith, give me something real
Leave out the Thee and Thou and speak to me now
Speak to my pain and confusion
Speak through my fears and my pride
Speak to the part of me that knows I’m something deep down inside
I know that I’m not perfect, but compare me to most
In a world of hurt in a world of anger I think I’m holding my own
And I know that you’ve said there is more to life
No I am not satisfied
But there are mornings I wake up and I’m just thankful to be alive
I’ve known for quite a while that I am not whole
I’ve remembered the body and the mind, but dissected the soul
Now something inside is awakening
Like a dream I once had and forgot
And it’s something I’m scared of and something I don’t want to stop
I woke up this morning and realized
Jesus is not a portrait
Or stained glass windows
Or hymns
Or all the tradition that surrounds us
I thought it would be hard to believe in, but it’s not hard at all
To believe I’ve sinned
And fallen short
Of the glory of God
He’s not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He’s asking to take my place
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real amazing grace
And it’s not just a sign or a sacrament
It’s not just a metaphor for love
The blood is real and it’s not just a symbol of our faith
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heh, you posted this the instant i posted my comment on your last blog.
“Feelings aren’t to be trusted, I whole heartily agree with that, I’m not trusting my feelings, but I’m feeling my feelings. Nothing wrong about that.” – well said. sometimes it’s a fine line between feeling something and buying into the implications of that emotion. i don’t know where to draw it sometimes.
often a way i try to shake off feelings like that (key word there: ‘try’) is by breaking out old hymns, typically RUF songs, about heaven. just thinking about the time in which i don’t have to deal with any of this crap anymore because i’m so focused on something infinitely greater is really comforting to me sometimes.
You have no idea how much this post moved me when I read it, Alisa. Thanks so much for being honest about something that all of us deal with. And thanks for the great music recommendations, too!
You know I can relate with the “stop giving me your stupid crappy PC Christian answer” feeling.
I remember a conversation with my friend Amy a few years ago. She asked how my walk with the Lord was, and my answer sticks in my mind… something along the lines of, “Y’know, I read my journals from years ago, and I see how cheerful and up my words and prayers were in the hard times. And I read what I’m saying now, and it’s much darker. But I think that’s good, because the difference isn’t my state of mind – it’s that I’m being HONEST with God. If I’m mad at him, I tell him so, and then I ask him to help me work through it. If I don’t understand what he’s doing, we talk about that. It may look on paper like I’ve regressed, but I really think I’ve taken significant steps forward.”
All that to say, you are loved and supported and I am praying for you, too.
(Even if those prayers ocassionally slip into the selfish…)
do you think God honors selfish prayers? I mean really, they are for a good casue.
haha. I think he answers them, one way or another. The answer just might not be what I ask for.
…or He smites us.
which i guess means that i’ve never prayed a selfish prayer. (roight…)
You make a brilliant point here, Alisa… Christians “aren’t supposed” to get down — we’re supposed to have this bubblegum faith that keeps us happy even in the rough times. Right. We’re supposed to rejoice in our mourning. Right. Just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean we’re not human anymore. We’re going to doubt our faith. We’re going to slip, we’re going to fall. But those are the tests of life that bring us closer to God.
You just have to realize that there are certain people in your life who WANT to know what’s going on and those people can’t pray for your needs specifically if you don’t tell them. However, you also shouldn’t feel like you should tell everyone what’s going on with you. A problem is a priveleged situation and you have to choose with discernment who needs to know what. But, nonetheless, you have a whole slew of Alabamians who have just fallen for you (and not in a romantic way!! well.. maybe a few. heh!) and no matter how much pride you’ve got goin’ on, we still love you.
I, too, used to have a problem sharing my.. umm.. problems.
Even if you leave. (But we might love you more if you stay.
Okay, okay… I’m shuttin’ up.)
Katie, I agree for the most part in what you said about Christians “aren’t supposed” to feel down or anything. But the truth of the matter is that we do, ALL of us get lost sometimes. To me, in the song “And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
)
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they’ve got…” (Silence of God) I think of the “mob” as fellow Christians. Im not asking everyone to me sad with me at all, in fact I usually keep my low times to myself, but other Christians sometimes bring me down because they flaunt how happy they are. The bible speaks on there being a season for everything and that when one of us is sad, lets me sad with him. When hes happy, lets rejoice. Im up to my ears with happy Christian sayings. Im sick of fluffy happy I love Jesus all the time songs or books. Lets deal with real emotions here, because we are not happy all of the time. (Not saying you do this Katie, Im just responding to make my point clearer.