You know whats one of the more sadder things in life? A blog that just sits there, all a lone, with no update. I mean I click over to my friends who I shall not name *cough* Ashley *cough* Carla *cough* Kathleen *cough* Brandon *cough*…excuse me, I don’t know what that coughing fit was about. But we all have these friends, who have a wonderful thing, such as a blog, but yet, fail to update it. I mean is it really a blog anymore? A blog is an active thing is it not? And when its not active, then it isn’t a blog. Its a Golb. And NO ONE wants a Golb, it just makes you sad from head to toe. So as a public service annoucment to all bloggers everywhere, I am just telling those who I will not name, and you probably know who you are, to please, for the sake of bloggdom, update! This world is scary place as it is without Golbs running around everywhere.

So, I got my “puppy” in the mail yesterday. I spend way too much time playing with it and figuring out how to use things. Everyone on Verizon, its a free call, we should catch up. Can you hear me now? Good. (Sorry, that was so lame) I also drove into “Shes Out of Control” last night. Poor Jace got an earful about it since I’m not allowed to talk about the book at work so I don’t ruin it for my coworkers who are going to read it. And what I’m about to say doesn’t ruin anything, its on the flippin’ cover, but Ashley Stockingdale got a puppy. So look at that, she got a puppy and I got a “puppy”. Yeah, I probably will end up calling my cell phone puppy. I don’t think this is good. I blame Jason. I also blame him for showing me a website where I download new rings. Not that 36 isn’t enough, but I mean these are some fun (and scary) rings that are just too tempting not to download.

Todays my last day at Gospel Supply. Doesn’t feel like it though. And I mean, I’m going to make special trips over there tomorrow and Friday to say good bye to people, so it doesn’t feel like I’m leaving. I couldn’t even begin to think life in Alabama without my job there. I know its just retail, but I made some of my closest friends working there. Id like to sit here and recall a ton of fun memories over the past 10 months Ive been there, but that may just make me cry and its too early for that. But yall mean the world to me, and when I can collect my thoughts without tears, then I will blog about yall (thank you again Katie for your sweet blog entry). Until then…Preeshate it!

10-2 is such a short and strange shift. You come in after the store has been opened for an hour, so its not real busy and you weren’t there for the open credits. If your lucky, you get a swarm of customers during the rush hour of lunch, but thats about it. Your left to entertain yourself. Everyone must of been sleeping in today because its Monday and well, 4th of July is this weekend, gotta get their rest in now apparently. 4 hours seems kinda pointless to get up, shower, dress nice, and drive to Tuscaloosa for no one. But my, the time flew by. If I ever work an 8 hour shift again, I wont know what to do with myself.

Speaking of my store, this weekend in Atlanta there is a book conference going on. Most of my fellow co-workers are there today (and I was going to go today… yeah we wont talk about that) getting free books and meeting lots of authors in the Christian world. Sounds just like my cup of tea doesn’t it? Well, my wonderful dear friend Jordan called and made my day. Why did he make my day? Well, he got to met Kristin Billerbeck and told her how much I loved her book “What A Girl Wants” and how I got everyone at the store into reading it and were on the edge of our seats for “She’s Out of Control” to come out. That’s sweet in and of it self, but then, THEN Jordan tells me, he got me a signed copy of “She’s Out of Control” which isn’t due out till August! I’m such a geek, getting this excited over a book, but I don’t care. I’m in a happy bubble that would take a lot to pop right now.

I’m getting a new cell phone today. Well, actually, I’m just paying for a new cell phone today. The sales lady that helped me was… I wish I knew the word for her. Her voice kinda sounded like a night DJ gone bad or something. She had me holding in laugher. I couldn’t laugh because I don’t think she was trying to be funny. Everything was “perfect” that I did. Do they get commission? They have too or else I don’t get why she was such a happy go lucky gal over cell phone service. She was excited about my joining their company “That’s music to my ears.” And apparently I have a “GREAT!” number. I never thought of it, but now, I feel very good about my cell phone number. Which wont change by the way, so don’t worry everyone. They had a nice deal, and I agreed to it. She about jumped out of the phone to hug me. They record most sales calls now a days don’t they? I want a copy of her and my conversation, she was great. Virizon is a VERY friendly company.

Today was my last day at Vineyard. I’m still wondering how Jason knew something was wrong with me at the end of worship. I mean I was fine, just sad cause it was my last time there. Amazing how he knows when something is up with me already. That boy can read me so well. But I had many people plotting on how to get me to stay. I want to stay so badly. I feel so pulled talking to people here and then getting phone calls from friends back in Ca. I want to turn off my cell phone and not leave my apartment. Maybe then if God is saying something different I could hear Him. I’m still have plans to finish packing tomorrow afternoon and start the major house cleaning (which isn’t too bad since I just cleaned for Jace) during the other days. And of course spending last moments with friends here that probably the soonest Id get to see them will be football session. I mean who wouldn’t want to tail-gate with Amy and Brian? That’s what I thought. Uhaul is being held with my name on it for Friday pick up. I guess when Justin said “Well have coffee at least once a week before you leave” meant “I’ll show off my muscles by helping you move your heavy stuff and use my pretty truck”. My Dad will be ether driving down from a business trip in practically Kansas on Friday night or Sat morning. What a great Dad I have that would drive all that way then drive three days straight with me. I am so thankful we agree on music, I might go mad if we didn’t. I’m listening to David Wilcox for the first time this evening. This guy is great. Great, great, great. I like Christians who can sing about their faith in one song and sex in another. I might have to pick up one of his records for the road trip. (If you want to listen to him, he has two albums streaming on his website) Along with a stack of books to read too. I plan on rereading “Prayer and the Art of VW Maintenance” by Don Miller, perfect road trip book since its about a road trip in the same area I will be driving. Don Miller, if you happen to read this, thank you for writing books, I really appreciate it. Speaking of books, I’m going to go finish a book that was due today before I let me heavy eyes shut for the night.

I haven’t watched Oprah in ages. I’m just not home at 4pm very often and when I am, I’m not worried about catching her show. I remember Oprah being on the TV as my mom would do the ironing (something which I have yet to learn the art of) in the afternoons when I came home from school. I usually like Oprah, rarely do I dislike something she is talking about, whether I agree or not. Yesterday, she had the cast of Shriek 2 (wonderful movie. I need to buy both when they are on DVD) come on. I tuned in just in time for Cameron Diaz. Shes a cute, tall girl. I can see the appeal in tall girls, its about the legs isn’t it? Well, Carmon and Oprah were talking, having a good time, I was even laughing at them. Oprah then to ask Cameron what was the first word that came to her mind when she said certain words. They got to the subject of men, kissing, etc and then onto marriage. Cameron didn’t see her self as the marrying type. Oprah said they should get together and talk. They go on to say that there once was a need for the unit of marriage but there isn’t now a days. They talked about their views which basically down played marriage. They couldn’t fathom making a life long commitment to someone, they probably would change their mind. I couldn’t sit there and agree at all to what they were saying. I’m sure the huge part they are leaving out is that its such an amazing thing that God designed for us to grasp just a little more of our relationship with Him. There’s such a sanctity in marriage that Cameron and Oprah apparently don’t see the need for in their lives. I’m not sure what the difference is with Oprah’s life partner. I mean LIFE partner. That means for life, right? Or am I missing something there? Is it a tax thing to not get married? I mean what’s the deal. I personally finding someone who wants to spend the rest of their days with putting up with me…heck, that’s someone I want to keep around you know? This world has apparently screwed up what the ideal of what marriage should be. Not that’s bran-new information or anything but still, what’s the deal? I’m not saying everyone should get married, but for the most part, probably 90% of the human race, its gonna married. I’ll have to do some research (I blame Kari) on this whole attitude that marriage isn’t something we “need” anymore.

I feel like Ashley Stockingdale. If you haven’t had the pleasure of reading “What a Girl Wants” then this may seem a bit confusing, so, to completely understand go read the book then read this entry. (All italic is quotes from the book) Yup, sorry that’s right, you gotta do some homework first. When telling others to read “What a Girl Wants” two things were said to me when they finished. Ether “Ashley reminds me so much of you” or “If you wrote a book, this is what I think it would be like.” Now, I don’t know if those are complements or not, but I love the book, so saying its something they think I could write it, that makes me smile. Ashley Stockingdale is a great character and I related with her a lot, to remind someone of a book character, that could be both good and bad I suppose. I’m going to just take it as a good thing.

The reason I am reminded of Ashley Stockingdale in my life over the past few months is with her romantic life. I’m still so surprised at the events over the past months when it has come to guys. I’ll admit, unlike Ashley, I was content on being single. I wasn’t looking and had a wonderful roomie “Brea screams and grabs my hands and we jump like a pair of pogo sticks. Before we remember we are refined Christian women who would never do such a thing.”who encouraged my joy of singleness. I lived like a single person and it was great. “I’m generally very happy being single until I’m reminded how awful it is by well-meaning friends and family.”I don’t think I ever felt the need to be with a person, which is good and bad. Good in the sense that I didn’t need someone to be happy. I was finding my happiness in this season the Lord had given me. “I let go of my scarf and from my rearview mirror watch it drift on the wind. Then, I downshift into fourth and punch it. I am free! I’m not single for a reason. I’m single because that’s God’s will for me.”Bad because, well, I was finding it easier to just enjoy stupid crushes and that be the end of it. I even went on a couple of causal dates (so I think, the words “may I take you out” or “would you like to go on a date” never came out of his mouth, but he did drive and pay) with someone I barely knew. I was told it was fine because that’s how to do it. And by “it” I mean dating. Well, I never was real excited about the whole process. Id always liked being friends with a guy first, skip to like the 10th date as some would say. If I was excited at all during that time, it was because a boy was interested in me. Girls get excited about this even if they weren’t really thinking about it. So guys, even if a girl doesn’t think the same of you, please know its nice to have someone think of us that way, I promise you this.

Ashley has no attention from men for ages. Then, all of a sudden, three are grasping for her attention. Who does she end up with?*Spoiler if you have not read the book* The one everyone hopes for, Seth. He’s that long time friend who she’s always had a thing for but never would admit it.”We immediately feel the chemistry the two of us don’t want to admit to. At least I feel it, so I don’t see how he could miss it.”He’s not as good looking as the others, but that doesn’t matter in the end. He’s the one who she commits to in a dating relationship. (Can I just tell you how happy it makes me they end the story with them DATING and not getting married like most Christian novels.) He has wooed her above the other guys. She may have kissed another guy on their first date, very unlike her (like me with the causal dating) but Seth is the one with the girl after all the spark has died down. That says a lot.

Now, over the past month I have been experiencing and discovering something that sounds like something you read in a book. And for me to live a story is something Ive always wanted, I mean, I don’t mind the fact Ive been called a fictional character! But Id have to say that I beat Ashley Stockingdale’s story. I have had the pleasure to be a part of someone’s life whom I was merely honored to be his friend. He loves to make me laugh and I haven’t laughed like this in ages. He respects me through his actions towards me, which I can not thank the Lord enough for. I smile as I type this, “He laughs and winks at me. Its a single move that clearly wasn’t practiced. Its just normal. He owns way too much charm.” but that’s the effect he has on me. My heart just smiles making it that it seeps through me I guess. So, in the same way I cant wait for “She’s Out of Control” to come out (which is about Ashley’s new life dating Seth), I cant wait to see what God has in store for Jason Windsor and I in this next “book” of ours we have to share.

This morning for breakfast I’m having a Creamy Milk Chocolate Slim-Fast with two Nutty Bars (aka wafers). Am I canceling them out by having a diet drink with junk food? Jason said only I would find Slim-Fast a “treat”. I really do. I haven’t had one in months. I don’t know what posed me in the first place to ever pick one up and try on. I think it was in my parent’s frig for a while and thought, hey why not. I have never done the Slim-Fast diet by any means, please don’t think I have gone on a diet. I’m having such a brown colored breakfast aren’t I? Well, I’m enjoying it greatly, make fun of me all you want.

For those of you who don’t know, I work at a Christian bookstore. I’m a surrounded by Christian icons all day. What a Christian icon means could be different from one person to the next. Some may think its their favorite Christian artist. Some may think a bible. Some may think Veggies Tales. Sure, they are all icons or symbols of our faith, you could say. I woke up this morning with a song playing in my head by a band called Third Day (I know, me of all people!). Its called simply “Love Song” and the part that was playing in my mind was:

I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I’ve never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

… I know that you don’t understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don’t realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I’ve done everything
There’s no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away.

Amazing isn’t it? People buy a cross, an symbol of the Christian faith everyday. They hang it on their wall or wear it around thier neck. But how often do we really stop and consider what that means? He died for us there upon that cross. He’s the only one in my life so far that has given up His own life so that I may live. Think about it. If a human did that, wouldn’t we want to thank them till our dying day? We’d probably be indebt to them for giving us a second chance at life. Jesus did this so long ago and He just longs for us to know Him more and more. He loves to hold us in His amazing embrace that is full of love than no human could possible compare to. I have a quote on my wall next to my door in shape of a cross that say “Leave your concern at the cross and back away. Go to the cross again whenever you want to take the burden or concern back into your hands.” I daily pass that and I daily forget the power of the cross. Forget the power of the cross? How can I do that? As Andrew Peterson says, “I want to embrace that old rugged cross” Ive just been challenged to make that my “icon” more than anything else you may find in your local Christian bookstore.

“If the cross is the place where the worst thing that could happen happened, it is also the place where the best thing that could happen happened. Ultimate hatred and ultimate love met on those two cross pieces of wood. Suffering and love where brought into harmony.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

There are few things that are better than shaven legs. I think I lost a few of you with that statement, but its only fair to warn ya right? I got a new razor a few days ago because I left mine in Charlotte. I always feel bad if I leave things at people’s home, especially ones who I don’t know. So, since I had been without a razor, I was due for a shave. I don’t know what it is about shaved legs (even my own, I rarely go around touching other girl’s legs) but it makes me want to go by satin sheets and PJs. I part of this sensation would have to been I haven’t felt clean since last shaving. In the winter, I have no problem not shaving, but during the summer, whether I show my legs or not, I want to be smooth. I just feel dirty other wise. I got another Gillette razor in case anyone is wondering. Poor Jordan , he was with me on my Wal-Mart run at lunch the other day and I had a hard time picking between a pink or a blue one. I even asked which I should get, I loved the look he gave me. He knew there was a right answer but couldn’t care less, what a guy. (Don’t worry Jordan, Id be worried if you did pick) I got the blue one, it came with a free travel shaving gel, perfect for driving across county. Besides, I couldn’t only think what my brother may say when saw he would have to be sharing a shower with a pink razor.

Laugher is a funny thing. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Mind you, it had a lot to do with the fact it was the wee hours of the morning and I was more than tired. But, I just couldn’t stop laughing. Last time I laughed remotely that hard was at PF Changs in Charlotte. I was tired at that time too. It was something that Sarah had said. It was funny, but not about to wet myself funny, but in the middle of dinner I couldn’t stop. Am I the only one who goes on laughing fits? I’m sure I’m sight to be seen when I’m doing it, I just cant stop. Now, if I hear the name “Erin” I cant help but at least giggle. I’m in trouble I can tell. For the person who was or was not (knowing him he was) trying to make me laugh, I hope its not an insult that I only seem to get into laugh fits when I’m tired. Interesting fact: Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of
300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
No wonder I haven’t been as stressed about moving and packing lately. And its kinda sad we go from 300 times a day to maybe only 15? Lets try and make people laugh more yall, if nothing else a smile on their face. I know I sure don’t it often enough.

Tara Leigh Cobble is working on her newest album. I had the honor of being at a show a few months ago that not only did she play a lot of her new stuff but gave all who attended a “rough edited” copy of 3 new songs. I have barely taken it out of my cd player. If these are rough cuts, I cant not WAIT for her album to be released. Tara Leigh has become one of my favorite singer/songwriters mainly for the fact I cant relate to her so very much. Im going to share one of the songs that will be on her next record. I hope yall enjoy it as much as I have (even just reading the lyrics).

Calendars and Maps by Tara Leigh Cobble

Such a strange sensation, sudden lack of gravity
I can not hold my balance when your standing next to me.
But I got strength for bottles, against calendars and maps
And if you say its worth it all Ill take the first bus back

You smell like a candle, feel like a flame
and all the air is hiding
Smell like a candle, feel like a flame
and all the air is hiding from my lungs.

Your words are like an army, seven times around my heart
I’m crumbing and tangled up in all who you are.
Because manliness is tenderness in a broud shoulder built
Safety is standing there in the shoes you fill

Oh you smell like a candle, feel like a flame
and all the air is hiding
Smell like a candle, feel like a flame
and all the air is hiding from my lungs, from my lungs.

They all want an answer, I wont say a thing.
And time wont be our master who died and made it king?

Oh you smell like a candle, feel like a flame
and all the air is hiddin’
Smell like a candle, you feel like my flame
and all the air is hiding from my lungs, from my lungs.

I cant handle anythings, like calendars and maps
And if you’ll say its worth it all, I’ll take the first bus back.

I was looking at my church in Ca website. I do this time to time, just to see if my pastor has missed his regular Sunday of preaching to let others teach us (which in this case my parents normally don’t attend which I think is funny). Or what bands have been playing on Sunday nights. This morning I went over to the Jr High ministry page. They had a good amount of a new photos up. All photos that where taken this past year. I saw the smiling faces of my girls who Ive missed the moment I drove out of California. They were growing and turning into more beautiful women of God and I wasn’t there for it. When I go home, I plan on getting actively involved in Jr High ministry again. But, Ive missed working with youth the whole time living in Alabama, as much as watching my pastor’s kids was more than a treat, there’s always been a longing for it.

Looking at those pictures I almost feel like Ive let them down in some way. I could of been there, but I had to go off and have my own adventure in Alabama. I got close to a lot of those girls and I know our relationships can mend when I return, but it wont be the same. And being that Jr High is only two years, all the kids I ever worked with will be in the high school program when I return. Its a fresh batch of kids whom I don’t know. Even the 8th graders who would of been there a year wont know who I am. Its like I have to start all over.

One of the girls that just made me miss her more than ever is Kristin (yes I spelled her name right). She’s probably the gal I got to know the most, Ive known her since I worked with 5th and 6th grade after graduating high school. I saw this picture of her and realized she had grown out her hair,which looks great on her. I know her family is moving back to Illinois this summer, so I may miss her, in my move back.

There’s a picture of my friend’s Scott and Mike in Mexico holding baby dolls. I have no idea why, but made me laugh. Then it made me wish I had been there to know the story and I wouldn’t have to wonder.

Its bitter sweet really. I didn’t expect anyone to put their life on hold while I moved to Alabama. I just wish that somehow I didn’t miss the year I did working with youth. The photos just make me long for it even more. Mark who I do Saturday nights with and will be joining once back in town is real excited I’m coming home. He already has me signed up for summer camp. I pray that the Lord allows me to go on that trip, there’s nothing more I want to do than that this summer with those kids.

Youth ministry does strange things to do. There’s are fewer things Id rather be doing right now than having a sleep over with my girls plotting how to TP Mark’s house. A joy of moving home.

I was on the road a lot this past weekend (driving from Alabama to North Carolina and back would equal a lot don’t you think?) and I have a few things to say about the highways and drivers on them. Driving out of Alabama I of course came in contact with many drivers that do the thing Alabama drivers are well known for in my book, tailgating. In town, they run red lights like they are going out of style. But on the highway, its getting behind another car and riding its tail so close you think the cars where kissing. Now, what do I do when someone follows me too close? I speed up and get over. I’m such a push over. I’m already speeding and they are on my tail getting somewhere 5 seconds faster by riding it, but I’m nice and get out of their way. What is my problem?

South Carolina drivers are fun. And by fun I mean fast. I drove through that whole state and those signs said ether 60 or 70. What speed was the normal speed of traffic? 80! I had to go between 20-10 over not to get run over. Nothing wrong with going fast, I want to get to where I’m going as quick as possible too, but not in the process of being scared to death if a cop pulled up behind me. The strangest thing happened in SC too. I was on 85 north (as was lot of my trip) and all of sudden we stop, completely stop. We are stopped for such a period of time that people start getting out of their cars. I scan the radio for reports of traffic on the highway, but I got nothing. I cant see whats ahead that is holding up my drive. 20 minutes of sitting here, we drive at normal speed again and I see NOTHING to answer the question of why we were stopped for so long. Odd.

Hmmm not much of a driving rant. I lose my train of thought easy after a 12-9 shift, which I have four of this week I may add. So, as much as I want to keep up blogging, we’ll see how well I do. No promises.

Hi my faithful readers. Before we go any futher, please know I am not going to be able to spell check this post, so its going to be worse than normal.

Im having a wonderful time. Right now Im sitting in Susan’s office in her cute house (guarded by one large dog and a cute mut) just finished watching some shows from the first season of Ed. Ed rocks. If anyone messes with my Ed, you dont even want to know what may happen to you. (I know small girl threating is very scary. Run. Run for your life.) Im on pins and needles waiting for them to put in out on DVD. If no one else, Brandon and I will be there to buy it the moment it comes out. IE Will be in sleeping bags at the store’s door dressed up as Ed and Carol or whoever for days waiting for it to come out. (10 bucks Brandon). I miss that show greatly. Wed and Friday (depending on the season) nights havnt been the same since. Also another TV show I miss and would lovd on DVD would be Mad About You. (which I was told was on DVD. Yippeeeeeeeeee. Christmas present for Alisa.) Anywho, back to Susan’s house. They (Brandon and Sarah) are waking her up so she can sleep a few hours before getting up. I dont know how she does it really, very much amazes me. But, thank you again Susan for letting us crash at your house (and for not thinking Im rude for keeping you up till 4:30am).

Im really getting good at staying up till the wee morning hours and still makes sense of things durning the day. Is this a gift of some sort? Anywho… not much of a “heres how my trip is” going post, more about TV which actucally kinda funny to me that this is what is coming out. I could stay up for the rest of the night (er morning) writing a lovely story that happened to me this weekend. I think I’ll title it 3 seconds.

I must go now and take Brandon’s toy away from him so we can get some sleep. Night.

Goodness, what time did I actucally get up?! Its 7:45ish and Im dressed for work, packed and ready to go. Im an hour early. AN HOUR! Mind you I woke up WIDE AWAKE at 6:15am this morning and I was like oh no no no. I laid there telling myself to go back to sleep. My body just wouldnt have it. Did it not understand the lack of sleep its been going through lately? This its time to rest! Oh well, here I am, and an hour early. Lets hope this doesnt mean I sleep in late tommorow.

Im glad Friday is here. Why is that you may ask? Well, that means that I’m working a little shift today then its off onto a drive up to North Carolina. I will be in four different states today. I still think that’s one of the cooler things about the south that I can drive through so many states that would take me the same amount of time to drive through my whole state. (What a run on.) I hope yall have a great weekend, I shall return Monday evening.

“Perhaps patience is His gift of bread for today, or quietness, or the gift of uncertainty, that I may rest in His love, confident that when the time is ripe, the guidance will be clear.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

I love having songs when in a relationship. I was told I was weird for saying this, but its almost like the relationship isn’t one unless there is a song to me. That might be a stretch, but music is constantly something I help to keep me sane. Yesterday I was listen to an Edwin McCain cd. I haven’t listened to it in ages, which is the main reasons I popped it in. I got to the song “I Could Not Ask For More” This song has meaning to me. I was given a song that was written by my first boyfriend years and years ago. So in return, I felt like giving him a song would only be appropriate. Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” (also on the album, love that song too) was what was on the radio and “I Could Not Ask For More” just started playing and it said what I thought I was feeling in that relationship. After we broke up, I didn’t want to listen to that song, ever. It brought back everything in my mind that I didn’t have anymore. It wasn’t a bad break up, we were good friends afterwards actually, but I still missed what we had. Almost 5 years later, that song doesn’t do anything to me anymore like it used to. Of course think of him, but not in a way that I want to get back together with him. He’s with a very perfect girl for him. At least I think so. (I told him even when we were dating he needed someone more musically inclined. He didnt agreed. Guess what she can do?) I used to think I “wasted a song” on a guy. But you know, I don’t think I did. That’s what I meant in that relationship at that time, I don’t regret at all. He’ll be the first love that I had, but I know he isn’t it for me, so I look back on the things we learned from each other during that time together. I don’t mean to down play anything when I say this, but when I listen to that song, its just a memory. Nothing else runs through my mind other than its a swoony song.

I recently was talking to a friend about whether dating someone who don’t end up marrying is cheating on your future spouse. I did buy into this thought when I bought into “I Kissed Dating Good-Bye”. I was a good Christian girl who read all the good Christian books, so sue me. I then began thinking for myself and found no where in the bible that I am “cheating” on my future husband. Of course there are guild lines I need to follow that were in Christian dating books that were biblically based, but nothing my parents didn’t instill in me (they know what there talking about, ran through my mind as a teenager). My view on it is that we can use that time (singleness) to prepare for our future spouse or not. Meaning, I think you can be in a healthy (key word here, healthy) relationship and do this. I don’t think dating for the sake of a dating is a healthy one. When in this healthy relationship, we are then learning (hopefully) how to guard are hearts.There’s nothing wrong with guarding your heart even if you are with the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Now, I also believe you don’t have to be with someone in order to prepare yourself ether. I think the Lord uses singleness for His glory in many ways, but that’s not what I’m writing about. I just know that years ago, I probably would of felt guilty for listening to that song. But I really have no reason to, I’m not doing anything wrong by remember the good times we had together. I learned a lot walking away from that relationship and I’m thankful for that. Of course we made mistakes, but those were a learning tools as well. So, if nothing else, that song helped remind me of a time in my life where the Lord was working through me when I couldn’t even see it.

I was told I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’m not one to really blog about my little day stuff, so I have to have something to talk about in order to blog. I actually sat down twice with things to write about but neither seemed to be worth noting. But its nice to know that my blogging is missed when I don’t. Also, its due largely that Ive been working more lately, this week three 12-9 in a row which just kinda wears me out. Yall are welcome to give me ideas on what to blog about, maybe something will spark. (So make use of that comment box is what Im trying to say.)

For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to North Carolina this weekend. I’m quite excited. Ive never been to the Carolina’s before, kinda just been a place I hear is really pretty but never thought of going to. As a favor to Sarah before I move, coming to see her for the last time for a while (last time we saw each other was December). The idea at first stressed me out, but I really looking forward to this weekend. Met a few new folks as well (heck I’m even sleeping at one of thems house!) and get a Derek Webb show. Only way it could get better would be if Sandra was playing with Derek. I might have to go to the library to see if they have any books on CD for me to listen to on my drive up there. Should be an interesting weekend. So, I wont be blogging again for a while since I leave Friday and wont return till Monday, so sorry to disappoint.

If ya didn’t notice… I updated the books I’m reading. I have a pile of them right now and so little time to read them all. Ive also been listening to a lot of Chris Mason as of late. I ordered his newest cd a few days ago and I hope it comes before I leave for my road trip. I also saw the third Harry Potter movie. I didn’t see the second one, but loved this one even without seeing it. I will have to start reading these books now. I think I didn’t mainly because it was a trend and we all know how much I like trends. Ive started to pick up a habit of staying up way past my bedtime, I blame shift that though.

This was sorta an update since I haven’t blogged in a while, so hopefully it clued some of you in on whats going on. No more thoughts really on moving. Its still hard coming home to an empty apartment thats now making friends with boxes. Emma wont leave me side and right next to my face is the place to sleep apparently. I think I just have so many thoughts that go in so many different directions I wouldn’t know where to begin. So, until they settle, I’ll just keep my jumbled thoughts to myself.

“I’m broken by the scent of sweet vanilla blowing over the trees and in my face. And you cant beat the living or breathing in the moment. You’re standing still for just one day. And I don’t care if you don’t care but if you dare, catch me cause I’m falling, reaching for branches on my way down. Cause the view from here is clear and I don’t want to be missing out on any of this.”
Life of Afternoon, Chris Mason

The question of “How did you know they were the one?” was asked (not by me) a few times to my friends Amy and Brian this week. Brian answered the question with “You just know.” Now, Ive heard this answer before and of course as a single person I don’t just “know” I need something to go on. Shaken heads went to Brian for his answer then they turned to Amy for her response. She said the same thing. We knew Amy is more in tune with the answer girls are looking for, so we pushed a little bit. “Well whats so wonderful about Brian that you want to spend the rest of your life with him?” She thought for a second and then said “When I was mad at him and thought the worst of him, I still didn’t want to be without him. That’s what is so wonderful about him.” Interesting thought. There’s a quote (conflicting authors… ether Rich Mullins or someone in Rich Mullin’s family) that says “Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry someone you cant live without.” I think thats a great quote and seems among my married friends (they are growing more and more the older I get) that was something they thought about before saying their “I do”s. You deny yourself of anyone else for the rest of your life, but this person.

My friend Tara Leigh wrote a journal entry along these lines the other day. She said “My mentor says that a relationship with a God-fearing person serves to expose your own ugliness… like they’re holding a mirror up to you, saying, “This is what you’re REALLY like.” It reveals the hidden flaws and motives that you may have never even known about yourself. And it can make you really uncomfortable when those truths are revealed (kind of like when you hear a recording of what your voice actually sounds like). But hopefully, those truths will serve as the catalyst that moves us further down that path of righteousness.” Now thats a whole different picture isn’t it? Its fits somewhat in what Amy said, even though you are mad at that person, you don’t want to live without them. Even though they are showing you their faults, despite them, you want to be with them. At a bible study I went to on Tue. night they asked for prayer requests and a man said he didn’t know what to pray for about himself. His wife leaned over and said “I could give ya a list.” Its true it seems in marriages that the spouse is very aware of the others faults. There’s a nice pop in the lovely-dovely–live-happy-ever-after bubble so many girls believe (I was guilty of it once myself). But you know what, I couldn’t think of a better way to live my life with someone. Yes, of course I want to be told I’m loved and have this person support me and all the wonderful things that come with being married, but thats only part of it. I want to be with someone who I love and respect so much that I can take them holding up that mirror and showing me how ugly (sinful) I am.

When I’m in the low points in my walk with the Lord, thats when I feel my need for Him the most. Thats when I can usually hear Him the loudest. Hardest times, He’s there, holding me so close, even if I cant feel it sometimes. So, to have someone someday commit to help remind me the depth of my sins, so I may run into His arms and be showered in His grace in the forgiveness of my sins…thats what I want. Now, I’m not saying I cant have my faults shown to me as a single person. I know they can, just get a room mate. Not saying Carla sat and told me how awful I am, but I learn a lot about myself through my room mates over the years. I know I that (selfishly) want to hear people tell me how great I am, but thats not the truth. I am not great, what Christ does through me is great. My need for a Savior, daily, is great. Is there a better way to know this than to tell each other the truth? I don’t think there is. I don’t think I’m going to fully understand all of this till I’m on the other side in marriage. Someday that day will come, in the Lord’s timing. It just reminds me of what is to come, which is exciting.

Ive started to pack already. I move in a month and I don’t have that much stuff that it would take me longer than a total of maybe 3 days to pack. But packing now, is SO me its not even funny. While on a late night phone call last night I started taking down frames. This one of the most depressing things. Ever. Its like there is no people in my room. Decorations are just the most practical thing to pack because I don’t “need” these things for the next month. I also started sorting through clothes. I have to much emotional ties to my clothes. I told myself if I hadn’t worn it since moving to Alabama, its probably time to get rid of it (good rule to go by). I have a sweater that Ive had since my Freshmen year of highschool that I just put in the get rid of box. Now I’m not that old, but freshmen year, that was 8 years ago. I don’t think I should have a sweater for that long at this early in my life. As hard as it was for me to put it in the get rid of box because its been around so long, its time.

I’m getting rid of a lot of big things this move. Being I’m moving into my parents house, there’s no need for me to move across the country hand me down furniture. One of those items that I’m giving to a friend of mine is my bookcase. She asked me yesterday when I wanted to make time to get to her house. Now, my bookcase, its not nice, its been around for little over 10 years. Its from IKEA. If you aren’t familiar with IKEA, they have cheap furniture, that looks nice but doesn’t last long. So its pretty much a miracle that my bookshelves has moved three times and still standing. This time around though I nailed it together and its quite ugly on the sides (under the pretty curtain I put over my nail mess). Ive warned Chalene (my friend who wants it) its state. She just really wants to get her books out of boxes and onto a shelve. First thing I packed during my last move were my books. This wasn’t so wise because I found myself opening the boxes back up because I wanted to read something. Ive collected a lot of books over my time in Alabama, more than I normally would in 10 months. This is what I get for working at Christian bookstore. I love my books, like Ive said many times before, they are my friends. I told Chalene that Id let her know when she could come get it.She should understand as much as she wants her books out of boxes I don’t want mine in boxes. My books probably be near the end of the list of things get packed. Is there something wrong with me?

My room mate (I guess I cant call her that anymore can I?) wrote a sweet blog entry about her room mates over the years, ending it with me. I got tears in my eyes as I read it and just missed her more than I did when I saw her driving away this afternoon. I had the idea of writing a blog about her, but I should of done it before going over and reading hers. Now I don’t know what to say, not that I really did before. Driving home from work today I knew she wouldn’t be home when I arrived. I have filled up my evening a small group and in a little bit a movie to watch till the wee hours of the morning (LOTR 3 in change yall are wondering). Its going to be a sad month without her. Emma is here to keep me company, but she makes me miss Carla because shes her cat. Now, this might sound weird, but, its like Emma was Carla and my child or something (just go with me here) so when I see Emma, I think Carla. Her memories fill this apartment, even if her stuff isn’t here. I cant remember the last time I was just so bummed and sad like I am today. I’m excited for her and her adventures in Florida, I just wish that sometimes being a grown up wasn’t so hard.

“So your gone, but I know your not so far away. Your a call on the phone or ride on the plane. But that just isn’t the same, yeah oh well…Cause I’m losing everyone, but I know I can’t lose you…”