I apologize for the string of depressing posts that have been appearing here as of late. Not that I apologize for anything I said, but more so that this is become a completely sad place lately. I don’t want any of you starting to read my blog wondering what may be bother me or making me sad. This is a happy place too!

Speaking of happy, in almost a week I am hoppin’ a plane to North Carolina to see Jason! I am OH so excited because its been WAY too long (11 weeks!) since we’ve seen each other. On top of getting to spending some face to face time with Jace, I found out today that Sandra is playing near by in NC the night land! A Sandra ONLY show. *Alisa does happy dance while listening to Best Laid Plans* AND I get to spend time with dear friends, Sarah, Kari and Susan while I’m in NC. Its gonna be a sad thing when I leave (wait there I go again… none of that!)

Heres something kinda ironic that I did. The new book I’m reading now is “Confessions of a Shopalohic” by Sophie Kinsella and its sitting on my night stand. Do you know what my book mark is? My VISA bill. (I guess you’d have to know the bases of the book to find that funny…)

I kinda feel like I’m “one of the crew” vs. “the new girl” at Starbucks officially today. If you have been in a Starbucks at all you know time to time we call drinks out to the bar person or something like “I need an add shot”, etc. Well, I was ringing someone up for a Venti coffee and I see one of the girls behind me (where the coffee is) and I ask “Are you getting my Venti coffee?” She says nothing so I tap her. She says “oh yes, I am, sorry, I guess an acknowledgement would be nice huh!” I take the customers money, she hands him the coffee. I turn to her and say “Well, more so I just needed the attention”. She laughed “Oh attention huh?” I said “Yeah, kinda like acknowledgement.” So for the rest of my shift, whenever my coworkers called out to another it sounded like this:

“I need an add shot”
“You need attention with that add shot?”

I’m trying to work things out • I’m trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky •

I have turned into a hermit as of late. Now, for me to actually admit that is huge. It makes me realize something I need to work on in myself. Well, not me working on, its more of allowing God to work in me. I am the one in control right now. Am I happy being a hermit? Not really. I am in control, but that high only lasts for so long. I feel lonely and I blame others for not trying. None of this is of course is my own fault, it has to be someone else. But the truth of the manner just the opposite of the lie I try to feed to myself to make me feel better.

• And I can’t figure out • Why you want me around • I’m not the smartest person I have ever met • But somehow that doesn’t matter • No it never really mattered to you at all • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I’ll take every moment • And every minute that you’ll give me •

Upon arriving back from Alabama everyone called and wanted to talk with me. It made me feel welcomes and loved. Now that the hype of me being back has worn down to nothing, I feel alone again. Jace told me its going to be hard, that I’ll have work at it. My old friends have gotten used to not having me in their daily lives. They have to get used to that again, and as a new person. Alabama changed and in some ways, grew me up a lot. I just have this fear that I have nothing new to share or to offer people. Most think I was and still am crazy for ever having moved to Alabama in the first place. I loved the adventure of just up and moving to a place I had never been before. Id even be up to trying it again, but I’m here now, with the peace that God has brought me back home. I also know that I set myself up to discover things about myself that I may not want to if involve people in my life. There is a joy I could be experiencing through that growing, but I’m denying myself of it. I’m learning this, but nothing is going to happen over night. Baby steps have to happen first.

• And I can think of time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That’s not how we like it now • Cause if you sit at home you’re a loser • Couldn’t you find anything better to do • Well no I couldn’t think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you •

I have been spending a lot of time with my family lately. Since they are the closest to me right now, what they say effects me a lot. Over this past weekend my brother has said some better harmful things without knowing it. I have lost all will to fight back at him. Of course my first instinct is to lash back with equal or worse words to him. But knowing that would solve nothing but putting up a wall between us, I hold my tongue. Also over the weekend I was able to spend time with family from Hawaii whom I see rarely. My aunt is a new Christian and her and I talking about faith, she is amazed what has taken her years to discover I have as a 22 year old. I know nothing I tell her, I just read lots of books by a lady whos in her 80s and soak in her wisdom. My mom and I also have been spending more time together. We are so much a like and so different at the same time. I enjoy her sense of humor and her advice on things. But at the same time, I’m scared to get close only to maybe move again. Whatever is the harm of being close for a season? “At the end of your life your relationships are all you’re got.”

• She’s so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I’m thinking • What motivates my mood •

I’m sure some friends who I do talk to are probably frustrated with me. I know I am frustrated with myself on this. I’m just feeling, basically, not good enough. I love my job, its a lot of fun, but apparently it should be my second job. I moved back in people’s mind to go back to school. To go back for what? That’s why I left in the first place, I don’t know what Id even like to get a degree in! I have to start fresh with kids in the Jr High group. I saw the girls I had two years ago, now freshmen and sophomores, dying for their love that I miss in being apart of the ministry. Both my parents and brother got new cars this weekend. I’ll admit I had a twang of jealously that I’m still driving my Honda Accord. There are worst times, I know, but I feel at a low point right now. I know it effects everything else in my life and I’m sick of it. Maybe exposing my fears to the tiny world of my blog will help me take that first baby step.

Over the past few days I delightfully got two packages in the mail, both from Nashville. The first one came about three days ago holding the newest from Popular Genius called “How to be Popular”. This album came out July 31st but I just got around to ordering it, along with a maroon colored shirt. I had their sophomore project “For Lack of a Better Word” before I had their first, self-titled. I have always loved the pop catchy tunes of “Consulation Prize” or Girl in the Crowd” over anything that I sing along to on their self titled. If had listened to them during their self-titled days I would love the album, then traded that love for “For Lack of a Better Word” when it came out. But that was not the case with me. It was from the first notes I heard through my bedroom while on the phone I heard a great band Trey had put on and I was sold. Now, that’s not to say that their self-titled isn’t good. It is, there on songs on there I love a lot, like “September’s Song” and “Marla” . The time has come again for me to switch my love of a Popular Genius album to “How to Be Popular”. I’m not too wild about the title, but hey, what can one do? The album cover and cd is all in black and white, complete by a friend of theirs. I’m still not sure why Snoop Dog made it into the drawing of the band on the back of the case. Despite that disturbing feature, its a fun case that kinda of prepares you for “Fun is Fun” or “Surprised”. As most of the writing is done by the lead singer, Andrew Bissell there is a track on the newest album written by his bandmates, Scott and I believe Luke . I wonder where this material is coming from though because most of the songs are about Andrew’s heartaches in relationships that he owns to being horrible at (due to over thinking them). Mind you, I’m no personal friend, but I don’t know what relationship(s) Andrew would have to write about for this record. It would have to be crushes of some sort, or past loves, or almost relationships in my mind. Just the same, I am loving and loving the more rock sound of this album, making it my favorite Popular Genius album to date. I have a feeling my love with move with the release of each new album by this band. Now if they’d only have tour dates out west!

Over across the sea in the UK is a record label called Shell. They released the first signed album of the lovely Sandra McCrakcen . I first feel in love with this gal’s lyrics and music when she opened for Caedmon’s Call not long after she married one of the lead singers. Ever since she has become my favorite singer/song writer to date. She just knows how to take a simple struggle or love and turn it into a poetic musical experience that no one should be without. He first independent album, “The Crucible” is the more piano (her first instrument she grew up playing) driven album compared to “Gypsy Flat Road”. The albums, both independent are very different from one each other when it comes to sound, but lyrically, she just got stronger. Now that her third album, “Best Laid Plans” sounds different from ether of the first two, but Id have to say its the best yet. I don’t always do this with bands, I’ll stick true with an old love of an early project, if that’s what I feel is the best to me. But I couldn’t get the package opened quick enough to stick this long awaited album into my cd player, it hasn’t left since (mind you, I just got it yesterday, but I don’t have plans on moving it for a while). Between “Gypsy Flat Road” and “Best Laid Plans” Sandra has been touring a lot, usually with her husband, Derek Webb. I always was sad when she left the stage, nothing against Derek, I appreciate him as well as an artist a lot, but even he will say Sandra is more to listen to him. She shared with us fours songs that now appear on “Best Laid Plans” so its nice to be already familiar with acoustic version of some of these songs. I don’t regret any of them being with a full band behind her, it will only make her, hopefully, tour with one. One song that has been revamped and appears on this album, but originally from “The Crucible” is “Plenty”. I thought it was the oddest song to start the new album with because is a very eerie song that has to be about a past relationship. Its neat to have it laid down right next to her new writing to see that she was good back then, her first independent day, but just a different good now. Its very hard for me to pick ones I like most of this album, which is always the case for me for her songs. “Took You for Granted” feels somewhat to me a follow up to “New Shiny Shoes” in my life. I associate an old friend to “New Shiny Shoes” and now what I pray for our relationship (which is still non-existent) is what Sandra sings about in “Took You for Granted”. My suspicions is that “Letters” is about Derek, but Ive been wrong before the original meaning behind one of her songs. That’s what I love about her writing, is that I cant listen to it straight up and know what she’s talking about. It allows me, the listener, take what I see from it and apply it to my own life. “Best Laid Plans” has just put even more a foundations on why I love Sandra’s music. If you have yet to listen to her, I highly recommend “Best Laid Plans”. No music collection should be without it.

The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey

I actucally have been working on this for days, it was harder than I thought it would be. Now, all of you who have also done this, I expect a mix cd of The Soundtrack of Your Life .

Opening song: “Sunday Morning” by Sandra McCracken

Waking up: “Rise and Shine” by Andrew Peterson

First date: “Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer
…I’m the girl in the song

First kiss: “Kiss Me” Sixpence None the Richer
…I know its kinda cliché but I love this song

Falling in love: “Winter’s Ending” by Tara Leigh Cobble (giving into it) “This Side” by Nickel Creek (once there)

Seeing an old love: “Love Is Different” by Derek Webb “Ben Hur” by Switchfoot
…and funny how Ben Hur has always been one of my favorite Switchfoot songs too.

Heartbreak: “On Your Way” by East Mountain South “Every Girl I Know” by Tara Leigh Cobble

Driving fast: “Crush” by Dave Matthews Band
…this is the same as Carla’s because, well, we have this memory together

Getting ready to go out: “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin
…need I really say more?

Partying with friends: “I Like it, I Love it” by Tim McGraw “Waffle House” by David Wilcox
…the friends I hang out with don’t “party” but late nights are so at Waffle House and well, most any pop country song in the early to mid 90s

Dancing at a club: “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd “Sadie Hawkins Dance” by Relient K
…Ive never danced at a club, but I have so danced to these songs more than once

Flirting: “Marla” by Popular Genius “I Could be Wrong” by Vigilantes of Love “Surprise Surprise” by Norah Jones
…Marla is one of the non this-girl-broke-my-heart songs by PG. The other two remind me when I was flirting

Feeling sexy: “Turn Me On” by Norah Jones “Kindness” by David Wilcox
…another hard pick. I don’t really “do” sexy.

Walking alone in the rain: “Close of the Day” by Sandra McCracken
…what’s interesting that all songs that came to mind where worship/God related songs for this one.

Going Home: “Faith My Eyes” by Derek Webb

Missing someone: “Michigan” by Katy Bowser “Come Back Down” by Nickel Creek “Show Me the River” by eastmoutainsouth

Playing in the ocean: “Look Outside” by Chris Mason
…for someone who lives near the ocean, this was a hard one.

Summer vacation: “Get Out the Map” by Indigo Girls
…best road trip ever theme song

Fighting with someone: “New Shiny Shoes” by Sandra McCracken (with a friend) “I Just Want to be Mad for a While” by Teri Clark “Roll to the Middle” by Sara Groves (in a relationship)

Acting goofy with friends: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne “Goodbye Earl” by Dixie Chicks

Traveling: “3×5″ by John Mayer
…ever since Budapest, my last over seas trip, this has been my traveling song.

Thinking back: “Lead of Love” by Caedmons Call

Feeling depressed: “Silence of God” by Andrew Peterson
…I actually listen to heartache music a lot when I’m depressed, whether it over a relationship or not, but this song stuck out.

Christmas time: “Tennessee Christmas” by Amy Grant
…Isn’t it funny this is what I thought of? Maybe its the line “Well, they say in L.A. it’s a warm holiday, it’s the only place to be. But a tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me.” Ive always wanted a white Christmas

Falling asleep: “Now and Then” by Sandra McCracken

Closing song: “Free (Take My Life)” by Jill Paquette

The local DMV here is closed due to renovations, of what no one seems to know. So, nearest DMV is about 25ish minutes away from me, instead of 10. No problem, this gives me time to work on my “Soundtrack of My Life” which will grace this blog soon. So, while enjoying a conversation with Carla , I make my way to the DMV. After asking a nice Rite-Aid worker where on the street it was, I walked into the double doors which where guarded by I assumed a rent-a-cop. I have never been to the DMV before without an appointment. I actually did make one, but it was in two weeks, and it needed to be done sooner. I sucked it up and went to stand in line (which they actually let you take a number and sit down now. its nice) but when I walked in I had no idea where to go. I walked around looking at the different forms seeing if any were what I needed, but they didn’t seem to fit just right. I went back to the entrance and looked at all the signs hanging from the ceiling trying to see where I was suppost to be. I finally over heard a guy behind to me ask his buddy if he made an appointment. He replied with a no and they got into a line that said “Drivers License and Registration Appointment”. I had assumed that meant that line was for you if you had an appointment. I was wrong. So, I got in line behind the guys and got a number and a form to fill out.

I filled out my form in about two minutes and was thankful I had a book along to read. I guessed there would at least be one screaming kid to be a horrible background noise to reading but surprisingly there was not. The worst thing that happen was a little boy about 10 feet away from me had a whistle but his mother shortly took it away from him. Thank the Lord. It wasn’t packed or overly hot, which made it nice to sit and read for a while. I didn’t even have anyone sitting next to me for a good while. And when I did the gentleman was only there for a very short period of time. Apparently, he had an appointment.

A very elderly gentleman who sat in the row in front of me had trouble making it to his seat. He sat and waited for his number to be call like the rest of us. I did see him having trouble getting up, all I saw was a young man in the rows of chairs across from ours get up and help him. Not remembering someone coming in with the elderly man, I watched the rest of their interaction. The elder man thanked the young man for his assistants and he walked over to his window. The young man returned to his seat and talked to I assume to be, a friend. There are kind souls in this world who sees someone in need and helps them, even at the DMV. I returned to my book every so often looking up and all the different sorts of people that were there. All walks of life where before me and being a people watcher it was hard not to make up stories in my head about different folks that I saw.

After a wait that wasn’t so bad due to my book, I walked over to window 23, only to be told she couldn’t help me and ushered me over to window 19. Window 19 had someone currently being assisted so I had to wait till the lady was done. She left and a young man sitting next to me walked up to window 19. I collected my papers and was on the edge of my seat so no one else would cut in front of me. Maybe he wasn’t cutting, but I was told I was next then wasn’t and it had been close to an hour and half I had been waiting for help. Finally, my time arrived and I walked up with a smile (trying to make the best of the it) to the lady who said shed be right back, she had to check on something in the back. Fine, I think to myself, you do that. Then the lady over at window 20 says shed help me till window 19 lady returned. So, after two trips two window 19 and 30 minutes waiting on her typing whatever she did into the computer, I handed over two checks and was given a lot of papers in return.

All and all, not the worst experience at the DMV. I expected worse to be honest. I think some team from TLC needs to go to all the DMVs in California and give them a make over. That might help the mood of how people are in there somewhat don’t ya think? Bright colors instead of the grey, scratchy looking wallpaper that has probably been there for decades. And some nice music. Actually, I don’t know about that, its kinda nosey enough in there. Also they’d probably pick some elevator music, which just gives people headaches who didn’t have them already.

I really do hate doing car stuff. Nothing about my experienced I walked away “happy” about. Is that bad? It was just really a neutral experience for me. It had to be done, so I did it. Simple as that. When I say I don’t care what I drive, I kinda do mean that. I couldn’t even think of giving Hope right now. She has taken me so many places so faithfully. The only scare she ever gave me was on my way to North Carolina in Atlanta traffic she decided she didn’t want to brake for a moment. But she has gotten me across the country, twice. Shes been to many states with me. We have lots of memories together, it would be hard to give her up. As a reward, she got a bath (a paid one even), which again, didn’t enjoy doing that ether.

Total driving time: 50 minutes
Total waiting time: 1 hour 45 minutes
Total windows: 3
Spending your day off in the DMV…priceless

I haven’t been reading lately. So when I don’t have a book I’m writing quotes down into my journal, I find other ways to grasp onto.
Mostly I do this through the music I listen to. My mind is thirsty for words, stories, something to make me think. I can feel it when I don’t read, to keep my mind turning onto new thoughts. This is when I put in music that tells a story or makes me think. I listened to The Crucible on my way to the last Jr. High beach night of the summer after a troublesome conversation that left me feeling alone. I had been listening it for a couple a days in my car, but never really listened to the words I know so well. “Escape” hit home for me when I let myself be still and listen. Amazing how when I feel at my lowest point that’s when I see my need for Christ the most, but Hes been there all along. After my dry spell, I did find a book last night. My newest goal is to read all of the unread books I own before buying anymore. Only expectation to that rule will be if its a book that Ive been waiting to come out (say, the new Don Miller book in October or the new Cecelia Ahern book in January) or I finally get my hands on a Harry Potter book at the library. I started with “The Scarlet Thread” by Francine Rivers. I haven’t read fiction in a while and first chapter, so far, so good.

Tomorrow I apparently have a “review” of some sort at Starbucks. Okay, can I tell you I am SO not ready? I apparently have to make drinks. I have been in Frappacino land plenty, I can do those fine. Bar drinks though, are you kidding me? Thing is, I haven’t been assigned to the bar but more than maybe twice for a very short period of time. To help myself learn, I’m gonna make sure to be over on the bar tonight. Also study my “cheat sheet” (how many shots and pumps go in what) that was made for me to help me learn. I have had more than enough dreams about making drinks yall, that’s pretty bad. Oh and speaking of bar drinks, last night my coworker/friend/neighbor, Sarah was over last night watching a movie. It was girls night since both our dads were out of town and our mom’s were lonely. We of course had some sort of alcohol (I say of course because, well, whenever her family and I get together, there’s at least a glass of wine, its really funny to us). Sarah and I shared a hard lemonade because she’s underage by a year and I didn’t really want a whole one. I was drinking it and I tell her how awesome hard lemonade would be in a passion tea lemonade at work. She processes to tell me there is Starbucks that its kind of a test store with alcoholic coffee drinks. Is it bad that I want to go and work there?! Maybe its just my manager.

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Great! How are you?”

Me: “I’m good, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Id like a Grande Vanilla Latte and a kids milk and could you put some foam on top?”

*I think for a moment, a kids cold milk with foam?*

Me: “A cold kids milk… with foam?”

Customer: “Yes, so my daughter can pretend she’s having coffee like me.”

I don’t know what I got but its hitting my pretty hard. It really started in the middle of my shift at Starbucks on Monday. Starbucks employees are trained to be friendly, I like to think myself as a friendly person anyway though. So untop of the trained friendliness and my own self, it was hard for me to smile and care about how folks wanted their coffee. Once off, I went home and just felt even more crappy than the beginning of the day, without coffee. That tells you how awful I actually was feeling now doesn’t it!

Yesterday morning I woke up not much better. Luckily it was my day off and under strict instructions of Jason I rested a lot. And by resting, I did pretty much nothing. I didn’t leave my house at all, other than to walk to the end of my driveway to get the mail (meat came, exciting). I fought the urge to take something to make me feel better. I don’t know why I do this. I will feel better quicker if I take drugs to help my body fight whatever I have, but I try to duke it out or something. You would of thought I took something because at 9:30pm about maybe a half hour into a phone call with Jason, I fall a sleep. I wake up around 4am by rolling onto my cell phone. I wasn’t sure what happened, I was tempted to call Jace to find out, but I knew 7am was too early for him. He later tells me I fell asleep on him. Oops!

So this morning I wake up, sore throat not too bad. I think I’m getting better than the past couple of days, but then as I keep moving, my head just hurts and hurts. I finally throw my hands up and take something. Nasty cough stuff to drain whatever is making my stuffy and coughing it up (lovely, I know). Then some more drugs to help my head. Well I have stopped coughing for the most part, but my head still isn’t the best and I do have to return to work tomorrow. I’m ending the night with a Mike’s hard lemonade. Merely because my little brother, who has put himself on a diet (he’s doing really well too!) told me that my cookies I was eating had a lot of calories in it and I was going to get fat. To that, I pulled a Mike’s out of the fridge and shaked it in front of his face because he’s underage. It made my mom laugh.

One thing I don’t like about a two story house is the fact that orders rise. Being that my room (all the rooms for that matter) are upstairs I usually smell whatever has been going on downstairs. Like Sunday mornings when I sleep in and walk downstairs following the scent of something yummy only to find that the kitchen is cleaned up. Sorely disappointing. But now, as I write this, I can still smell the eggs I cooked more than 2 hours ago and its kinda grossing me out.

Being that I just went to summer camp, feels like summer has only begun. Even not in school I can feel when its summer. My schedule hasn’t really changed any being that I’m not in school, but I feel it just the same. So in some ways I feel like I should be doing something different in September. I am taking a trip over to North Carolina which I’m very much looking forward too, but its not the same. Who knows, maybe something is gonna happen, I just don’t know it yet. That’s kinda scary thought.

Speaking of scary, I have a short camp story to share. One of the games we played at camp was called “Medal Hunt” (it was an Olympic theme this year). My part of the game was the “thief”. There was one thief from each team (four teams total). The thief is the person who “stole” the medals that kids had to go out and find. Yes, I ladies and gentleman was a thief. What my job was to hide in a really good hiding spot so the kids couldn’t find me. If they did, it would be a lot of points to whatever team that did. Oh, I forgot to mention, this game, there were NO lights on at the camp. So, I never did make it to my original hiding spot (between the fish pond windmill and the fish shack wall) because I got scared out of my mind. I thought to myself how silly I was for being scared, I mean, for goodness sakes hadn’t we all week been talking about how the Father is with us through anything? But no, I wimped out and found a less of a good hiding place. They should know better not to make a girl a thief. I mean, a guy from another team hide inside of an empty log. Are you kidding me?! Does he realize how many bugs could of been in there? No thank you. I will be safe and sound under an old cooker under the stairs up to the staff’s living space. Where there is some glow of a light from upstairs.

I’m such a girl.

So, I’m never having kids. That’s why they come out as cute cooing babies, no one would ever having children if they came out as Jr. Highers. Don’t get me wrong, I love these kids I spent a week with, but I’m glad to be home. It was a roller coaster of a ride but I’m glad I was along for it. I’ll probably change my mind on having kids after the weariness of the trip dies down. And also when I get back into the swing of things I shall update you with some stories from camp. Until then, please enjoy some photos!

Tomorrow I will be getting on a bus to travel with 40 or so Jr Highers to Forest Home… as a leader. Its really a strange (for lack of a better word) thing for me. Now, I have been back to the camp I call my own once before with J-Hi two winters ago for Winter Camp. But for some reason this trip is still hits me more. I say that because, summer at this camp my 7th and 8th years I felt I grew, close to the Lord for the first time. And what I mean for the first time, is that’s when He became very real to me. Not because I went to church, not because I was in Awana, not because my parents believed it, but for my own personal faith. The counselors at that camp became so much more than just people running a program to me. Now, being the same age as those counselors who I looked up to so highly years ago, I am in their shoes. That just takes me back that I have that privilege given to me to be able to spend a week with these girls. Junk food, no sleep, games, gross camp food, and lots of boy talk and all. I thought Id leave yall with some pictures from my Jr High photo album of when I was at Forest Home. Also, while I’m gone, please feel free to share your camp or Jr High memories.

This is one of the counselors, Liz and I.

My friend Joe (the one in the middle, cream shirt) doing grey squirrel because he got a package.

My crazy youth group who I loved.

And of course, the blob!

(I apologize for the quality of these photos, I don’t have a scanner, sorry!)

Okay, how was this terrorizing ?

Hippos are harmless and cute animals. This is why I want one as a pet someday. Come on, do you really blame me?

Last night in a car full of old friends, I felt so alone. I probably would of felt more comfortable with complete strangers. It wasn’t anything any one person did really. This was all in my mind. They talked about something that just recently happen and of course I wasn’t there for it. Anything I had to contribute to the conversation was things from the past, which wasn’t the topic of conversation. That’s were my mind set still is I guess. I know its was unfair of me to have the expectations of expecting things to be the same. I really don’t expect things to be the same as if I wasn’t gone for a year. I understand they have grown and have a life without me. But that feeling still pulled at my heart and it hurt. One of the girls especially tugged at it and I’ll never know why she has so much effect on me. That’s probably what pains me the most, I cant pin point what it is about her that I just cant let go of. Which is frustrating that I’m not able to understand my own feelings. And of course, at the avalanche of these feelings I come to the thought that no one would care if I just up and moved again. Which again, I know deep down isn’t true. Its a weird feeling to come back from a year away to where you felt you had some roots to having to start from scratch. If I was going to do that, I might as well live somewhere else or stayed in Alabama. So untop of feeling unwanted, I started doubting myself. Amazing what one feeling can do to make another roll down right on top of it until you cant remember the real source of it all. Not that I knew in the first place, but trying to find it in a sea of tears is merely impossible.I wish I had something to grasp onto for understanding. I guess this is why we aren’t to trust our feelings. But, I think this goes beyond me “feeling” left-out, alone or hurt. Its a heart issue, but where does it start?

So, another singer/song writer that I like a lot (not nearly as much as Andy but a lot) is a guy named Justin McRoberts . Now, Justin, unlike most music folks does not live in Nashville. He lives, of all places, Southern California. I really don’t blame him. Its very nice here. Nice enough that the whole time I live in the south, he just plays shows out here. Now, oh but now I’m back on the west coast, only shows hes played are in Northern Cali (9 hours at least away). And wait, what is this? What do I see? On Oct 1, 2004 hes going to be playing in Tusca-freakin’-loosa, Alabama. Did I mention I have never seen him live?

“I’ve rattled on about insecurity from the stage, talked about pennies, sung about my heart being broken to pieces and planted like a seed by Jesus. ” ~Andrew Peterson

That ladies and gentleman is why I love Andrew Peterson. Despite the complaints I hear about his voice, he is an amazing song writer. Not just for his words, but for his heart that pierces through them. And the cherry on top of the ice cream Sunday is that, he has a blog.

Tonight I could of just laid on my back staring at the stars. Having a wordless conversation with my Creator till my eyes became to heavy to stay open. I’m unable to pin point any certain thought that sprung that idea, but it just warmed me thinking of doing it. Driving home with the glow of red lights in my eyes made me miss the south, mainly the small town feeling. Driving on a highway with maybe 10 other people instead of 100. Maybe it was the small town in the movie tonight. Isn’t it strange how movies just seem to be able to trigger all sorts of thoughts and emotions you didn’t even know were there? The main character hated the opera because of all the feelings it brought out of her. Ive never been to an opera, but I understand the feeling.

Ive been listen to a lot of Jill Phillips lately. Really, just her album “Writing on the Wall”. One of my quirks is that I never feel like I know an album unless I sit down with the liner notes and read along with the songs. I never have done that with this album, but in the stillness of my car, I felt like had. Discovering lyrics that touch you is always wonderful adventure. Scares me sometimes how artist can some how read my thoughts. I know they didn’t, Jill and I have never had the pleasure of meeting. Even still it comforts me because it reminds me that I’m never alone. The places that these songs effect my life through listening to them and when Jill wrote them are probably complete polar opposites. But the words touch our hearts just the same. I cant put my finger on a certain song or lyric line that brought me to all of this. Its probably not just album nor the movie, its probably a collection of pieces of my thought life lately.

Oh, and to my faceless friend, Jeff . Thank you for spilling your love for Jill Phillips onto me. I appreciate it.