I’m trying to work things out â€¢ I’m trying to comprehend â€¢ Am I the chance result â€¢ Of some great accident â€¢ I hear a rhythm call me â€¢ The echo of a grand design â€¢ I spend each night in the backyard â€¢ Staring up at the stars in the sky â€¢
I have turned into a hermit as of late. Now, for me to actually admit that is huge. It makes me realize something I need to work on in myself. Well, not me working on, its more of allowing God to work in me. I am the one in control right now. Am I happy being a hermit? Not really. I am in control, but that high only lasts for so long. I feel lonely and I blame others for not trying. None of this is of course is my own fault, it has to be someone else. But the truth of the manner just the opposite of the lie I try to feed to myself to make me feel better.
â€¢ And I can’t figure out â€¢ Why you want me around â€¢ I’m not the smartest person I have ever met â€¢ But somehow that doesn’t matter â€¢ No it never really mattered to you at all â€¢ And at the risk of wearing out my welcome â€¢ At the risk of self-discovery â€¢ I’ll take every moment â€¢ And every minute that you’ll give me â€¢
Upon arriving back from Alabama everyone called and wanted to talk with me. It made me feel welcomes and loved. Now that the hype of me being back has worn down to nothing, I feel alone again. Jace told me its going to be hard, that I’ll have work at it. My old friends have gotten used to not having me in their daily lives. They have to get used to that again, and as a new person. Alabama changed and in some ways, grew me up a lot. I just have this fear that I have nothing new to share or to offer people. Most think I was and still am crazy for ever having moved to Alabama in the first place. I loved the adventure of just up and moving to a place I had never been before. Id even be up to trying it again, but I’m here now, with the peace that God has brought me back home. I also know that I set myself up to discover things about myself that I may not want to if involve people in my life. There is a joy I could be experiencing through that growing, but I’m denying myself of it. I’m learning this, but nothing is going to happen over night. Baby steps have to happen first.
â€¢ And I can think of time when families all lived together â€¢ Four generations in one house â€¢ And the table was full of good food â€¢ And friends and neighbors â€¢ That’s not how we like it now â€¢ Cause if you sit at home you’re a loser â€¢ Couldn’t you find anything better to do â€¢ Well no I couldn’t think of one thing â€¢ I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you â€¢
I have been spending a lot of time with my family lately. Since they are the closest to me right now, what they say effects me a lot. Over this past weekend my brother has said some better harmful things without knowing it. I have lost all will to fight back at him. Of course my first instinct is to lash back with equal or worse words to him. But knowing that would solve nothing but putting up a wall between us, I hold my tongue. Also over the weekend I was able to spend time with family from Hawaii whom I see rarely. My aunt is a new Christian and her and I talking about faith, she is amazed what has taken her years to discover I have as a 22 year old. I know nothing I tell her, I just read lots of books by a lady whos in her 80s and soak in her wisdom. My mom and I also have been spending more time together. We are so much a like and so different at the same time. I enjoy her sense of humor and her advice on things. But at the same time, I’m scared to get close only to maybe move again. Whatever is the harm of being close for a season? “At the end of your life your relationships are all you’re got.”
â€¢ She’s so unresponsive â€¢ I just cannot break through â€¢ She spends all night in the backyard â€¢ Staring up at the stars and the moon â€¢ â€¢ They have a chart and a graph â€¢ Of my despondency â€¢ They want to chart a path â€¢ For self-recovery â€¢ And want to know what I’m thinking â€¢ What motivates my mood â€¢
I’m sure some friends who I do talk to are probably frustrated with me. I know I am frustrated with myself on this. I’m just feeling, basically, not good enough. I love my job, its a lot of fun, but apparently it should be my second job. I moved back in people’s mind to go back to school. To go back for what? That’s why I left in the first place, I don’t know what Id even like to get a degree in! I have to start fresh with kids in the Jr High group. I saw the girls I had two years ago, now freshmen and sophomores, dying for their love that I miss in being apart of the ministry. Both my parents and brother got new cars this weekend. I’ll admit I had a twang of jealously that I’m still driving my Honda Accord. There are worst times, I know, but I feel at a low point right now. I know it effects everything else in my life and I’m sick of it. Maybe exposing my fears to the tiny world of my blog will help me take that first baby step.