Call me a sap. Whatever bloody thing you’d like to call me, go right ahead.

I, Alisa Smith, like Bridget Jones. A lot actually.

Its just in my blood to be a sucker for movie such as hers, but really, I didn’t know how much I enjoyed them till today. I really want own them both once Edge of Reason is out on DVD. Maybe because this time around the movie was set in my two favorite countries: England (of course) and Thailand. Yes you knew what was going to happen. Its all very the same with all other chick flick story lines. But each women, whatever age, I’m sure can identify with Bridgett in some way. Her character has developed much, even though she still her typical Bridget things, since when we were first introduced to her years ago.

Oh right, maybe its the magic I find in British things. It has been said that Bridget Jones is a very beloved character of the UK. Whether its really true or not, I’m tend to believe it. So there you have it, my guilty pleasure is out in the open. In all honestly it feels good.

Ive been in a rout lately as some of you may know. Now, I don’t say this to get praises so I will feel better by you guys. I know a lot of what I’m dealing with I have to deal with alone. But that’s the thing, I have never felt so alone in my life before. Looking back Ive always had a close group of friends. Ive had girlfriends I could call just to grab coffee or run errands with. Last week a coworker invited me out with a crew of them from work to see a movie. It happened to be one I saw not even the day before and I wasn’t willing to spend almost 10 bucks on it. I was so bummed I couldn’t go, I don’t get those types of invites often. The only close friends I have are what it seems a million miles away. Makes me wish I never left Alabama where I seemed to have a lot going for me. I know sitting here playing the what if game never helps anything. I just know I never felt lonely there (other than when Carla moved out) like I do now. Closest friends I have here are some of the guys on the leadership team for Jr. High with me. One of my friends invited me to go shopping with him and his wife. I think I might of jumped a little too quickly at the invitation but I saw it as a desperate cry to myself. I miss having girlfriends around greatly. Ive changed, my friends have changed. Ive moved, my friends have moved. I haven’t gotten married but some of my friends have. I know we all have different paths of life’s now, but, why cant it include one another? I don’t want to push myself onto someone ether. Making new girlfriends kinda scares me, I don’t know for what reason but it does. I think all of this though is effecting other relationships in my life. One person cant full fill my every need, especially not my boyfriend. Id never expect or really want him to have the same effect on me as a girlfriend would. But I realized in the mist of a frustrating conversation that it was more that just the topic at hand. We both knew it was something deeper, I just didn’t know what. I said that over and over again too. It wasn’t till the sweet words of “I’m on your side” came through from the other line I just melted. The power of those words sank in deep because it has felt like nobody has been on my side. Whether is true or not, it has felt like that lately. So, thank you Jace for sending me that hold I need so much in words.

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you need to leave.
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be.

But everything inside you
knows there’s more than what you’ve heard
There’s so much more than empty conversations
filled with empty words

And you’re on fire
when he’s near you
You’re on fire when he speaks
You’re on fire burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see,
Give me everything you are
Give me one more chance to be near you.

When everything inside me
Looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I’ll take

And I’m on fire when you’re near me
I’m on fire when you speak
I’m on fire burning at these mysteries.

I’m standing on the edge of me,
I’m standing at the edge of everything I’ve ever been
And I’ve been standing at the edge of me, standing
at the edge

by Jon Foreman

Heres what Oreo is spending his Thanksgiving doing…

and he hasnt even had trukey or ham yet!

I do not have a sickness.
These people on the other hand do.

I have a pile next to my desk of some wrapped and some not wrapped Christmas gifts. Mostly for folks I’m going to see in a couple of weeks and saving myself some money on shipping by taking them with me. Two days from now is what retail calls “black Friday” also known as, the biggest shopping day of the year. Now, I like shopping like most normal women in the world, but I have no desire to leave my house that day. Well, I will leave because I have to go to work, but I will stay as far away from any shopping centers or mall as possible. On the plus side, my Christmas discount at Starbucks starts that day so I am looking forward to some Christmas shopping in my safe place of Starbucks.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow so why all this talk about Christmas? Last year Thanksgiving didn’t hit me as hard as being away from my family as Christmas did. Also, I’m able to actually buy presents more so than I did last year (I mean I made my own cards out of left over scrapbook paper last year). These are probably the two main reasons why I’m looking forward to this year. My parents usually get the tree the weekend I will be on my trip. I talked them in to getting it before I leave, if they wait a week later all the pretty trees at Home Depot will be gone. Never could I get a fake tree, there’s been talk about that around my house too. That will be a sad day in the Smith house when that happens.

My mom is making the turkey today for some reason. Part of my dad’s side of the family is coming over to my house tomorrow. I believe 3 or 4 out of the 6 kids will be here with their families. I know she doesn’t like people in her kitchen when she cooks, so maybe knowing they’ll want to help she’s getting the big stuff out of the way today. I don’t mind, it means I get turkey two nights in a row! I’m really not a bird eater actually. I dislike chicken most of the time, but I’ll go for turkey if I have a choice. Oh and I just asked why we have yummy turkey smell in the house today instead of tomorrow and my mom said its because of room. Our kitchen isn’t small, but I guess its smaller than my Grandparents (were Thanksgiving is normally held) kitchen. Like I said, no skin off my nose, I’m all for good food for two nights in a row.

A coworker of mine is going out for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with her husband and some friends. She’s the first to complain about Starbucks being open on Thanksgiving but then she turns around and goes out to eat? I see something wrong with that, but whatever. Yes Starbucks will be open tomorrow and I actually will probably go by in the morning to ground some Christmas blend for Thanksgiving and get myself a holiday drink. I didn’t realize really before that Starbucks played a big role in my holidays. Hot drinks connect with cold weather (50s and 40s is cold in Cali) which connects to Christmas and Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is officially the day its okay to drink egg nog and not get grief about it. Gingerbread will have its day December 1st but tomorrow is eggnog day. My coworkers are gonna love me cause that stuff splashes everywhere when you steam it. (tee-hee) But I do plan on bringing them something fun for working on Thanksgiving because I wouldn’t be so happy if I had to work.

I realize that Ive talked about Starbucks a lot. Maybe Jason is right, maybe I do have some sort of sickness. Ether way, I have been there working for the past seven days so its kind of consumed me. And I just made plans with my neighbor to go in with me tomorrow morning. (again, tee-hee) I’ll try to stay away from Starbucks in the posts to come, I just fear blogging sad posts again, but come what may.

“It is truly an amazing feeling to stand in front of a crowd and deliver a great sermon, or to hang around after a reading and sign books. Ive never been very good at anything, so the only thing people have ever praised me for is writing and speaking. I’m not saying that accepting people’s praise for doing what God calls you to do is wrong, I am only saying I understand how it could be come a replacement for the favor of God, the favor that comes for free, for no reason, unearned. ”
Don Miller, Searching For God Knows What

This quote sprung a chord in me today as I read it. Its a simple human truth; universal idea that he is talking about. I don’t think Ive met a person who hasn’t felt this feeling, of being accepted for something they have done. In a later chapter in the book Don goes on to share about growing up as a “misfit”. I wouldn’t give myself that label but I understood what he mean to not feel a sense of belonging growing up. In my case, I always found school somewhat, for lack of a better word, a challenge. This is something I don’t talk about very often because it holds a lot of hard memories for me. Probably the only reason I am sharing what I am now is because I’m “hiding” behind a computer screen. I realize of course it will be put on the world wide web, but still not as threatening as me sitting before my whole audience of readers and saying this. I have this feeling towards school because as much as I may try, I wasn’t a very good student when it came to grades. For example, Id study my brains out and never get an A. Time to time, sure an A would be reward to me, but it was a rare occasion. I always felt different growing up because of this fact. Now as an “adult” it has someone what shaped in how I view things in my life.

Same as Don, I haven’t really done one thing Ive felt very good at. So when I shared not to long ago about getting complemented on something I love to do , it soaked in more than say someone telling me they liked my hair. I find when someone complements my appearance the out come of that has to do with my parents and God, not me at all. So when somebody thinks highly of something I recommended to them, it sends me a sense of finally I did something right. That makes me feel good, that feeling Don Miller talks about, but its kinda empty in a way. Empty because it in turn somehow gave me some sort of glory which isn’t want I want at all. I want to be accepted not praise.

Working at Starbucks is kind of a “scale job” to me. Let me explain what I mean by that. I have a good handful of friends who have been working for Starbucks for years. I have never thought they’re job is less grand than someone else’s. Scale goes up in favor of the job. But then a person who I haven’t seen in years walks in, sees me in that green apron and says “But you had such a good thing going for you at your last job” Scale goes down. Yes, I do not have my own office or in charge of anyone, I serve coffee. If you know me at all, I really do enjoy coffee, and Starbucks inparticular. Working there has only fueled that, not lessoned it. When I get comments that almost make me feel worthless, it puts me in a hard spot in myself. I wrestle with the idea that if I had only stayed in college I would have a “better” job. But then I remember a good amount of my friends who have college degrees and aren’t using them or in a totally different job than their degree. Do I think any less of them? Not at all. This struggle of course is because I’m finding self worth in people’s ideas of me and my job instead of God’s, I understand that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I know if I went out tomorrow and became a CEO of a company (not that Id ever want to anyway) I wouldn’t feel any better. The world (or say my family who I know will remind me of this very struggle on Thursday) would probably pat me on the back and say good job.

As most of you know, I get to hang out with Jr. Highers and I love it. I don’t do it because I get paid or looking for anything. I feel being apart of a church isn’t just showing up, listening to a sermon and going home. Serving in a church community I believe is part of being the church. When I pour into these kids, they repay me more than I could ever give them. That’s usually how ministry goes. You sign up love on them, where in turn you seem to get the bigger end of the stick. These kids can really pull on my heart in so many ways I never knew it could too. When they find out I work at Starbucks they didn’t give me the response I’m used from hearing. They say to me “That is SO COOL!” It makes my little heart smile, and not just because they make me feel worth something. Its because these kids mean the world to me, so when they think something I do is “cool” nothing probably gets much better than that. Part of the reason I took a job at Starbucks was because I knew it would be more flexible in getting time off for special events with Jr. High and being there every weekend.

The connection for me is that I feel God has placed the burned in my heart I have for these kids in me. He has called me into youth ministry. Now I don’t feel I am “good” at it, but I do feel used by Him. Making lattes is not a glamorous job, but it is to the kids I work with. That has to say something for my job doesn’t it? I don’t know if Ive explained this peace I have found through all of this or not, but it has helped me sort out my feelings instead of weighing the goods and bads in my life. I also hope I haven’t given the impression I find myself worth through the kids ether. I just know personally their opinions mean more to me a lot of times than my peers. I value my peers thoughts of course but I don’t drink them in as richly then something a girl in the youth group sharing how she likes having me around. I really don’t know how to end this with frustrates me as to something else I’m not good at. But, I’m not going to ponder on that for too long and just end this here, with a photo of some of the kids that warm my heart more than I could ever put into words.

I don’t really like reality TV…much. I do admit two watching two shows weekly that are reality show, one of course being the Amazing Race (best reality show ever! just started last week so if you haven’t watched it before you can totally hop on this season) and also The Apprentice. Now, I blame Carla for this one. When it came out last year I wasn’t too excited to watch it, didn’t make plans to be off or anything for it. But Carla wanted to watch and did so every week. So if I was home Id watch it with her at the beginning of the season, shortly there after I had to watch it every week as well. When season two came on I sucked my mom into watching it with me and now we both are hooked. Its a little like the Amazing Race, but different of course, but there’s only one (or team) in the end. (I’m rooting for Kelley. He’s great and from Cbad) I think I enjoy even more than I admit after I made a certain comment last night that would make Donald Trump too proud.

This weekend we had two guys come and be a “guest speaker” at our two Jr High services. Our Jr. High ministry has been in a need of a Jr. High pastor for years. The last Jr. High director (she was a women so she wasn’t a pastor… don’t want to get into that can of worms) left after having a baby and her rather new assistant Jenna and her husband Bobby took over as the Jr. High interns while the church shopped for a new pastor. Bobby and Jenna never expected or wanted to be the Jr High pastors (Bobby is actually in a band full time) so they are excited when its finally come down to two guys for the position. We didn’t tell the kids who “the Brians” (both first name is Brian if you didn’t catch that) where so that they didn’t get attached to one or be disappointed if the one they liked better didn’t turn out to be their new youth pastor. After Brian number 1 (yeah last names probably would of been good to know) spoke I thought it was good and enjoyed him and the kids seemed into him as well. Brian number two was to speak at the other Jr High service we have during the time I normally go to “big church”. I hadn’t planned on going to listen to Brian number two speak but after last night I walked over to my friend and said “I have to come back in the morning to see the other guy. Its kinda like the Apprentice…’The Jr. High Pastor’”

Truly, I could stop watching that show and be fine and live a long and healthy life. I just thought it was too funny that I would come connect the two in a way. It has though helped me sort of to want to be that much more apart of this process. Mind you my say wont be the final vote or anything, but I know my input will be appreciated. After listening to them both, I’m very torn. I liked Brian number 1, he’s young and seemed to have it in with the kids. His wife was also very sweet and seemed to have a love for the youth as well. Brian number 2 was a little older (also married) and worked at a camp I grew up at and kinda already know a lot about his personality from knowing that fact about him. His talk seemed to relate more to the kids even though Brian number 1 had taught on the same very same passage of scripture. I don’t have a favorite really. Unlike The Apprentice, I don’t have a long period of time to get to know each of these guys and make my mind up. I had about an hour with each to see which in my mind would be the better youth pastor. I say that knowing that God’s will be carried out even ifs not what I expect. I pray more than my ideas or the churches ideas, that His idea and great amazing plan for this growing youth group to be fulfilled in whom He picks to be The Jr. High pastor.

I just bought tickets to the Andrew Peterson Christmas Show.

I. am. so. stinken. excited.

The lady on the phone was nice and hooked me up with sweet seats. I think once finding out we used to live a town away from each over (Oside and Cbad) we had a special bond that must only be rewarded with good seats. Yay for nice Ryman ticket sales lady.

My hair is at the length that everytime it gets to this length (not long but not short) it makes me wanna cut it. I can just hold in a tad longer to let it grow out just those two inches more for it to be in the long league. Mind you, I didn’t have my hair short for a long period of time last year. I haven’t found a length for my hair that I feel suites me. So this is why I’m back to the whole wanting to chop my hair off dilemma. Everytime I see someone with cute short hair the inching just gets worse, so I broke down and called to make an appointment. Now see, here’s what I do, I want and want a hair cut but once I get there (tomorrow) I will chicken out. Big time. I don’t have plans to chop it off, just cut my bangs in a different style and to razor cut my ends for a different look. This way I keep my length (besides the razor cut trim) and feel like I have a change. I’m so fickle when it comes to my hair it kinda drives me crazy with how unsettle it makes me.

Work was pretty decent today. Nothing really bad or good about it, but uneventful days are good time to time. I wish sometimes I didn’t stink when I got off of work. I mean I do stink like coffee, but its like a latte gone bad smell. And the damn mocha gets everywhere and I don’t know how. My parents did decide on a espresso machine to get while they are on sale. Its to my benefit actually in a way. My dad has an itching (maybe the itch for a new thing is in the air around here) for an espresso machine. I really think he gonna get it, love it cause its a new toy for about 2 weeks then keep coming into Starbucks. So once he “grows out of it” my mom says she wants to give it to me, hopefully when I have my own place again. Not only is that nice, but they are getting it in really cool cherry red color. I plan on having a coffee theme kitchen with browns and creams as the colors. But for dishes I have found this deep but not too deep red I love. It will go along with my someday red Kitchen Aid.

Top 5 places I want to go to somewhere in the near future:
1. New York (on New Years would be grand)
2. London (I blame the Christy Miller books for this one)
3. Chicago (Wheaton College especially, Elisabeth Elliot files)
4. Japan or China. (or any sort of Asia country)
5. Boston (No real reason, I mean, besides Kathleen and Josh ;))

So, who wants to take a trip?

Today is the start of my “weekend”. I have today and tomorrow off which is kinda odd to me but I’m enjoying thus far. When my mom and I need to run any sort of errand we usually ask if the other would like to come. I had plans to go pick up two different Christmas gifts this afternoon and asked if she wanted to come along. We drove in my car which was different. I don’t know why we never take my car other than hers is a lot newer and usually clearer than mine. It was also nice because I got to control the music instead of listening to talk radio (you never would of guessed my mom is a Dr. Laura type of women). She enjoyed my music while we search for this long lost Starbucks we called ahead to for mugs (the brown mug story will be saved for a later time). Then we headed down to a mall I thought was the one with a certain store (I’m being so vague because its a present for Jace and I believe if I say more it will ruin it) was in. There’s a collection of malls in San Diego county all called “Westfield Shopping Town”. Well this is a WST mall, but the wrong one. We walked around looking at different gift ideas for our family and my friends. On our way out we stopped by our traditional place of eating out: Hot Dog on a Stick. My mom always thought I should get a job there. I reminded her of the bright uniforms. We were out past where my brother and Dad work (my dad works for a nursery and my brother is a computer tech) and decided to stop by and say hi. My dad has worked for another nursery for nearly all my of life and few years ago made the switch to this new company which he’s been very happy in. So it was my first time to this nursery but looked a lot like the old one to me. I slipped the old company’s name once in his office when I probably shouldn’t have being that they are competers in a way. My brother’s office shares a wall with my dad’s, which I just kinda had to smile at when my dad told me he just taps on the wall to get my brother’s attention. Knowing my brother I’m sure he loves that. My brother’s office Id more so call a closet.He cant even shut his door its just piles of computer stuff everywhere. I told my brother I need to come in a decorate so it looks like an office more than a closet. He said he has a comic on the wall, that’s enough decoration. Ive never had an office, so maybe I don’t understand, but Id need a big more personality than he does. After an office tour and meeting people who told me they’ve hear so much about me, my dad took my mom and I down to see the new poinsettias in bloom. We walked into the green house and my mom says “I love this smell” I breathed in deep and said “It seems like dirt.” My parents are plant people to the core. They worked at a local nursery where they met and feel in love. They’ve always bought houses that are in great need of a re-landscape and they are just the people to do it. It amazes me that they keep up with it all and have never had a gardener. I apparently didn’t get the green thumb gene because Ive killed every plant my dad has brought home to me. So when we were driving through the greenhouses and I asked for a plant in my room I wasn’t surprise by the “why so you can kill it?” comment. After off roading through greenhouse we drove to another facility my dad called “the mudhouse”. This warehouse sort of a place is where they store and makes pots for the plants. It wasn’t what I planned on spending my afternoon off doing but it was neat spending time with my family in a way I haven’t done in years.

A customer came in today and told me that his wife works for a plastic surgeon. I knew where he was going with the conversation but I smiled and listened like I had no idea. He explained to me that they’ve worked on many birthmarks and said he’d bring me her card next time he was in. I told him that I had work done on my birthmark when I was younger and kinda over getting surgery at this point in my life. He said that they are doing it for free (I didn’t ask how or why) and just thought he’d let me know. He did this in a very tactful way. He didn’t make me feel bad for having it or anything. I believe he thought he was doing a kind thing letting me know. I have had comments made to me like “if you’d just cover it up you’d be so pretty”. Those I don’t appreciate at all, in whatever way they meant for them to come as. At the same time, it never bothers me when people ask about my birthmark. After 22 years with it I hardly notice it when I look in the mirror in the morning.

It did bother me when I was little my mom tells me. Hence the five hospital bracelets I have in a jar on my bookshelves from surgery. I remember going to the hospital clearly. The laser surgery was very new at time that’s the reason for five surgery and I still have a birthmark. The first couple of times they numbed my face, placed cotton patches over my eyes and I screamed the entire time. I wrote a “book” (its like a sentence on each of the 5 pages with a drawing) in grade school called “The Hospital”. Its quite disturbing “book” for a 6 year old to be writing. My parents decided the less painful way for me would to “put me under” as the saying goes. This scared my mom to death at first, afraid Id never come to. As a child I enjoyed much more. I remember nurses letting me pick any stuff animal to take with me into the surgery room. I of course took the one that was as big as I was every time. Having the animal next to me they put a mask over my nose and mouth and told me to count to 10. I never remember making it past 3. Id wake up hours later with a swollen eye in what I recall as a giant crib. After the surgery Id have a patch over my eye till the scab from the lasers healed.

I thought about the man’s offer for the rest of the afternoon while making coffee. What if at this point in my life I did remove my birthmark? Me with no birthmark… that’s a strange thought really. There’s only three times I recall covering up my birthmark with make up my mom purchased for me. My reasoning was so no one would ask me questions. I used to have my mom answer for me when I was younger. I didn’t like people noticing me for something I felt then was “wrong” with me. As much as I’m now comfortable with having my birthmark, I do have my days. There are days I wish I looked just like everyone else. I wonder why God gave me this red spot that takes up most of the left side of my face. Its those days I feel the stares from little kids that make me sad. They look at my like I’m scary and there’s something wrong with me. So, the idea of getting it removed for those days would be nice. But still, there wasn’t really an interest in my mind when this man was telling me about what he had to offer. Why is that? Who wouldn’t jump at this chance? I don’t have an answer for myself other than Ive have a grasp on understand I’m created in God’s image. Its in His will I have this birthmark. I may never know why, but I do believe its because He chose for me to have it.

I was telling Jason last night that I missed Alabama. He asked what I missed about it. I couldn’t really pin point it right away. I said it was the time of year and how cute I knew Northport must be looking right now. Its the friends I left behind for sure, that’s not even a doubt in my mind to what I miss about it. But there was something else I knew that made me miss it. Finally, it came to me, I felt safer there. The small town feel. The way folks are to perfect strangers. Its not that I feel I live in the ghetto or anything here. For goodness sakes, I live in a track housing and with wonderful neighbors. The cul-de-sack I live on is probably the friendliest one you’ll find in California. They have parties, watch each others pets and houses. When a strange car is parked on the street, phone calls are made. So at my house I feel fine, its more my town.

I don’t live in a big city in San Diego. I live away from that part actually. I do work though in the downtown part which has a lot of bars. There’s always that scene and the trouble it causes. But in the past month on the same street as my store a paperboy found a dead body. No clues to who or why. A week after that in the same parking lot my store shares there was a shooting over a parking place. Today as my mom and I drove downtown to run some errands I saw two girls no older than the age of 9 riding their bikes. I looked around for a parent type somewhere near, but it was just them. Worry came over me for these little girls. How sad is that? I’m scared for these girls in a city that’s relatively safe.

Having a burned on my heart for youth maybe I’m more sensitive to things like that, I don’t know. But the youth of today have more trouble that I did when I was their age. The Jr. Highers in the youth group amaze me in what they know about the scary world they live in. Something that was shocking to me is normal to them. What is that? I don’t want our world to go to hell in a hand basket. It sadness me greatly that I see so much sin taking over creation.

In the Christy Miller series the phrase “God-lovers” is coined. Its kinda corny, but its clear isn’t it? A Christian is a follower of Christ, got that. A God lover makes it personal doesn’t it? We are to be known by our love is what is command of us God-lovers. I know sin is in this world and forever will be on this earth. Though, I know for myself daily I have not been a good God-lover. I have not loved enough. I barely scrap the surface everyday. But by the grace of God I know I can wake up the next morning and have clean start to love more. Does the fact that we as followers of Christ don’t love enough play a role in to our messed up world? I don’t know how to answer that question. It just makes me sad that I have fear as a women to walk the streets in a free country, as a free child of God.

Friendster.com …Jace asked me to sign up so we could be “friends”. Its fun to find old friends, see how you know who. More people who join the more fun there is to have! So join today so we can be “friends”.

Ramblin Rose Photography.com …some very neat, creative ways to take photos at a wedding. Ive never wanted the “okay stand there and smile” photos. Its always been more candid shots like they have captured on this site. Sorry, no wedding anytime soon, its more I just like the photography.

Infantile Clothing.com …Ive had baby fever for some reason lately and this site was too cute. I love fun shirts so to see that there’s hope for my kids to wear them is great news.

Bustedtess.com …Speaking of fun t-shirts, here’s a site where I want a shirt. Kenya guess which one?

In Good Company …Is a movie that is coming out in December that stars Topher Grace and Scarlett Johanson. As Jace said, we both can go watch this film and be swoony, over other people. The trailer is quite cute, even if Topher Grace wasn’t in it, this seems like a me movie.

Lee and Shell …Last but not least is a website that I probably have looked at more than a healthy portion of. Between the gals cute hair (in so many different ways) to the art that’s splashed all over, its just too cute of a site for a too cute of a couple who are newly weds. Make sure and see their teaser of a wedding video.

I just thought Id let yall in on where Ive been cruising on the world wide net. There’s some fun stuff out there just waiting to be clicked on.

“Its been almost two years now since I saw you last
Sorry I remember you anyway,
’cause you wont escort me out of your past.
So youd better just leave me here, ’cause I knew you when
Just take you’re new shiny shoes you don’t have to my friend…”

Many of you know about my struggle with a friend from my past that I wish was in my present. Long story short for those of you just joining, heres the story in a nutshell. She is the one who is now engaged to my high school sweetheart. There is no hard feelings at all (whole unwritten rule you don’t date friend’s exs and all). I couldn’t be happier for them, its been a lot time coming. Shortly after their relationship started in so many words she told me we couldn’t be friends. Every since that conversation we’ve had a broken glass type of relationship. Nothing has left a burse on my heart like this friendship has. I made efforts again and again to try and mend it. I finally had to realize that it would have to be on her terms. That was one of the harder things for me to swallow but I stepped away and let go.

Letting go of her was one of the hardest things I felt Ive ever had to do. She was my closest friend who I knew I could be completely myself around. I gained my sarcastic side from her. Her and I discovered many music we both loved together. I wrote a paper about her in college. Songs upon songs remind me of her. My addiction to Starbucks was started by her lead. The list goes on and on to what will trigger a memory of her in my life. It slowly started to fade when I truly gave up any hope I thought our friendship might of had. The year I was in Alabama gave us both space, whether for good or bad. In some ways I feel in a way we both needed it.

This past weekend her and I happened to go the same service at church. I watched her walk in late and sit across the sanctuary from me. I passed her later when talking to a mutual friends of ours. We made eye contact and I smile at her and kept walking. She walked up to me and our friend not too long later and all three of us talked for a bit. The conversation ended and I started to walk back to the sanctuary the same time she did and she said to me “We should get together and have coffee sometime.” I almost couldn’t believe what I heard, the glimmer of hope I didn’t let go to beat loudly at me. She said shed call the next day to get together, but she never did. You’d think Id feel let down but I don’t. Maybe I’m on to much of a high to let it bother me. But I don’t feel rejected by her anymore. Even though nothing happened, her showing interest in a relationship with me again over joyed me.

“I took you for granted, Left you there stranded
I cannot change circumstance; I just need a second chance
So draw a line in the sand, bring us bak to the homeland…”

Some thoughts on “I See Things Upside Down” before I go to bed (I have to open in the morning. Thats 3:30am I’ll be waking up). If you are a Derek fan, you may not like this album. So far, I love it. Its very non-typical Derek. Its been described as having a “vintage vibe” which Id have to agree with. If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t of guessed I stuck a Derek Webb ablum into my cd player. His voice is still the same but yet so different. Different in the way that on some songs I just melt. I cant tell you what is about his voice, its just a big turn in Derek’s music and I quite like it. I challenge any of you to show me an album like this by a Christian artist. With that, I leave you with lyrics to my favortie song at the moment. And also to listen to the cd more to be able to share with you more of a review later.

You ravished me with one look of your eyes
You, you are fair, you’re so fair oh my love
Better than wine is your love
If you can’t find me it’s alright, oh my love
Stay with your friends, I will come speak to you
‘Cause your are mine oh my love
And better than wine is your love

Better than wine is your love, is your love
Better than wine is your love, is your love

You are beautiful, eyes like doves, oh my love
You have lips like jewels, hair of gold, oh my love
Wild as a vine is your love,
But better than wine is your love

Better than wine is your love, is your love
Better than wine is your love, is your love

I tell you, my beloved
You cannot be replaced
With my left hand beneath your head
And my right arm around your waist
So take a deep breath
Because I feel a little drunk
But I’m in my right mind babe
And I know your love is much…(better than wiiiiiiiine)

Better than wine is your love, is your love
Better than wine is your love, is your love

Better Than Wine by Derek Webb

I’m in a down mood right now. I thought a repeat episode of Gilmore Girls would cheer me up, but no go. So I’m going to reflect on a couple of highlights from my week in hopes it brings up my spirit.

I haven’t mentioned for some reason the bible study I am involved in on Monday nights. Its been going on for almost two months and Ive really enjoy it. We do a study based off of our pastor’s wife teaching of the book of Nehemiah. Growing in my knowledge of the word along and through these girls I just met not too long ago has been much richer than I expected. I believe this week was the night we really felt comfortable with each other, to me at least. I still don’t feel close enough to call them friends, still a girl in my bible study group, but one of them warmed my heart this past week like I thought only a friend could. Around new people I tend to be quite, but in small groups of people I tend to talk a lot. For some reason when there’s a pause in the conversation I feel Ive done something wrong so its my job at that point to fill it, with whatever. So I see myself somewhat as the girl in the group who you’d wish would just shut up. I know I’m over blowing it, but haven’t all of you been there? Okay if not, don’t tell me please. But normally what I tend to talk about are the books that I’m reading. I just finished Mudhouse Sabbath and was telling the girls how wonderful it was and one of them says to me “You are THE person to go to for books. You know so much about great books.” Suddenly I had nothing to say, I just smiled. It was one of the higher complement Ive ever gotten.

The second moment happened at our first mid-week for Jr. High this past Wednesday. We’ve been without a youth far too long in the Jr. High ministry and all of us on the leadership team are excited to finally have a night where all the kids are together. Not sprinkled through out services on Saturday night and Sunday morning (we went from 4 J-Hi services to two this up coming weekend). My roll on Wednesday nights are games. I’m more the behind the scenes, make it up, get supplies, tell the rules to Noah who then becomes the front man (I don’t like being in front of people). I had yays and nays for the game this week (we just didn’t have enough time apparently was the biggest problem) so I was worried I had failed in my role that night. As the kids split up to small groups one of the girls I love to pieces, Anne, comes running up to me and slaps her hands on my knees. I look up at her and she says “You HAVE to be in my group!” I wasn’t planning on going to a group (there are other leaders who lead the small groups) but I couldn’t say no to her. That’s all I had to hear to make me feel like I hadn’t failed that night. She wanted me there and that warmed my heart deeply.

Still kinda down, but that did cheer me up a little. I hate being in a slump and not being able to get out of it. I don’t think even Starbucks would really help me right now (okay its not THAT bad but, you know what I mean ;)).

Jason’s pride and joy would have to be his iPod. This is not to say that I feel threaten by his iPod (which soon will need a name I’m not sure how much longer I must go on referring to it as iPod. Though that’s what it is, its so impersonal when its such a personal thing) at all. Its quite a new gadget (am I allowed to call it that?) that he got a pretty decent price off of Ebay by accident (uh huh). He really has enjoyed his new toy and I probably haven’t been excited enough about it, but its his toy, not mine, how excited can one get? (Plus its white, not the color I probably would of chosen if I got said toy) I came to an understanding… no… a great appreciation for this iPod when my last visit to NC. I was figuring my way around it’s lists and come across one list with my name on it. Curious to what it held, I opened the list and Jace tells me it’s songs that reminds him of me. His iPod is such a sweet thing that I really did take for granted I must admit now. This all really sunk in while listening to “Somewhere Only We Know” blasted with my windows rolled down in the cold night sky.

In a conversation my mom and I had while walking we talked about the presidential election. In church circles you have those who say to pray for the future president, but those prayers are sometime hallow. Things along the lines of “I pray Bush wins” instead of “Carry out Your will Lord”. The interesting thought was to me walking on that dirt path was that it may be in God’s will to elect a president that wouldn’t be the man Id think He put into office. That even say a man who doesn’t believe in God at all could be God’s will to be in office. God’s sovereignty is something I will never wrap my mind around. Ive tired and tired, but always come out with a headache. Its one of the things I love about the character of God, His mystery. I wouldn’t want to serve a God who I could figure out His ever move. To that, what would make Him so powerful? As I stayed up till almost midnight waiting for Fox news to show Bush having 170 votes so I could go to bed when Brit Humes said “We were up till 6am east coast time waiting last year” and I turned off the TV and went to bed. The technology we have these days is amazing by the way. I mean, what did my parents do when waiting around to see who was the next president? They didn’t sit around watching TV, this much I know. Strange enough too that I have a memory of being parked in front of a TV all day watching the updates from New York few years back on September 11th. Just some post election thoughts I had.