Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you anyway. And the different colored doorways you thought would let you in one day . Goodbye to the old bus stop frozen and waiting
The weekend addition has this town over-rated

You walk across the baseball green, the grass has turned to straw. A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are, Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend I can’t make you stay. I can’t spend another ten years wishing you would anyway.

How the sky turns to fire
Against the telephone wire
And even I’m getting tired of useless desires

The other day at work on the mix of CDs that we play “Useless Desires” by Patty Griffin filled the store and I turned to my coworker and told him that Patty makes me happy. He asked who Patty was and I shook my head at his sad little music life. “Useless Desires” is one of my favorite songs on “Impossible Dream” but it wasn’t till my break that I played the song on my iPod that it made me cry. Why did it make me cry? Because I really let the words hit me, though I knew them well, it was the first effect they had.

Everday I take a bitter pill, it gets me on my way

Most everyone has their days when dealing with stuff. So its nice to know I’m not alone in the whole in that scene. But it really gets old, which makes me frustrated at myself. I don’t blame anyone at this point for my loneliness, I sit and wonder what I have done wrong and wha I can change. But then I through my hands up at it all because its just a cycle of things I find hard to brake. Is it really me who thinks the new car smell has worn off of me being around? Sure it has, I understand being busy, but that gets old too. I have a planner, I have no problem putting someone in to have coffee with two weeks from now. I do like days where I don’t know what I’m doing till the last second, I need those days time to time. But mostly, I like having things planned and knowing what’s going to happen before it actually does. (Maybe this is really the dirty monster behind my pet peeve of no one RSVPing to anything, ever, out here.) Somedays I really don’t even think about it, how lonely I actually am. I was doing well for a while until my birthday came and went and I felt like the avalanche of all I worked to dig myself out of came down again. I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely honest about my birthday . I held back what I was truly feeling sitting at that table at Cheesecake Factory. When the question was raise of “Where is everyone else?” I fought tears that had been with me days before at the thought wondering the same thing myself.

For the little aches and pains, the ones I have from day to day

I was hurt because I feel like if I just packed up and moved again that no one would really care. I went through my “hermit time” when I just went to work and came home and made excuse why not to call up a friend to see if they wanted to do anything. After that effecting the relationships that are active in my life, I realized I needed to do something for the sake of those and for myself. But more so for their sake than mine, so I told myself has hard as it was and much as it might hurt to not hear back, Id make the attempt to have relationships here. I don’t like doing things alone. Yes, I’m one of those girls who like having company with her to the bathroom growing up (I have now been fine since high school to go alone). I had friends who we used to call each other up to just our errands with each other. Its always nice to have the company to do things with. When shopping I usually always need a second option. But, since my time at home, I have learned to do a lot of things by myself. Maybe that’s why the thought at spending hours at the Green Bean was a nice idea. Ive gotten comfortable with the fact that I do things alone most of the time. But still the haunting feeling of just wanting some friends to call my own near me comes around again.

To help me think a little less about the things I miss, to help me not to wonder how I ended up like this

I know I cant think about the what ifs about moving back here. Its really hard to at times like these. No one wanted me to leave Alabama, even folks in the surrounding states. Id still have the same job I know and love with the people who like having me around. Id be closer to my closest friends and my boyfriend. When I was in North Carolina, I was so happy. I think the south just does that to me because it was one of the greater experiences in my life. I learned a lot and loved a lot and there was nothing ever quite like it anywhere else Ive lived. I guess I’m just echoing Patty’s words over and over again in my heart. Is it really worth it to have this desire of friendship here? Everytime my pastor speaks of fellowship or going through a trail, I feel almost guilty. It just pains me because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting tired of this useless desire.