This morning I randomly picked the chapter titled “Christmas” in Lauren Winner’s first book “Girl Mets God”. Holidays make me happy and I thought with her wit writing would feed me some truth while making me smile. The chapter actucally talks about her not going home for Christmas, her sister being mad at her for doing so, her recently broken up boyfriend spending thier planned trip to New England with his new girlfriend leaving Lauren feeling very alone. Her main reason for not going home was “I just cannot bear to spend this Christmas tense and overly polite and all the other complicated ways that families are.” (and dont we all understand her there. I actucally skipped church this morning becasue of that very reason.) She goes on to talk about putting up icon picture of Jesus all over her bed room wall. She talked to them, at times yelling at them “Do something, make me feel better!” Then she goes on to say to them:
“You are supposed to be enough,” I tell the icon. “That you came to Earth is supposed to be enough. Even if I never go to New England again, even if I never plan another trip with somebody, even if I never feel happy for one more mintue, that you came to Earth is supposed to be enough.” I glare at my icon.
“And,” I say after a mintue, “it is enough. It actucally is. If this is all I ever have, this glimmer of knowledge that you were born in a manager, that really will sustain me.”
“But”, I add, “I really hope it doesnt have to sustain me.” I really dont want it to be just me and the icons for all these Christmases forever.
Now, I know she is more dealing with being lonely there, but she actucally vented her hurts to God. I have a big hurt right now that I feel I havnt broughten before God enough. Reading that, I wondered maybe I should scream at God, but then again Im not made at Him. Im mad at myself for somehow screwing up so dang badly. I told Jason all of this and he asked me:
“What if God told you that you are not in fact screwing up?”
Me:”Then Id counter that with the question of “Then do something about it. Or at least show me how to do something about it. Becasue I feel like Im failing at this aftermath.”
Funny thing though, I knew I would. I knew the moment this all went down that Id fail in how to handle it. Im not suprised at where Im at, but yet I dont know how to deal with it. Or make the outcome better as my Dad keeps asking me to do. Sitting here trying to find the positive side of the hurt is very hard for me to do. I have to move one stone at a time and the first one seems rather heavy.
“So much for celebrating Jesus’ birthday. I am more like the child who spends Mother’s Day demanding to know why there is no Children’s Day, not understanding that Children’s Day is every other day of the year.”
On a lighter note, I am being very cross-culture this afternoon. For lunch I am baking some orange chicken (Chinses) while snacking on some chips and salsa (Mexican) waiting for the chicken to be ready. I think its a good meal to help prepare me for one more closing shift for my so needed day off, dont you?