Today is Monday and usually at this time on Mondays I would be taking a 10 minute break to have some oatmeal at Starbucks. Instead I just finished giving myself a homemade manicure (I got myself my very first one a couple weeks ago and want my nails to look that pretty again. Theres a reason they cost $12, I cant make my hands look that pretty. Im trying to talk myself out of the fact its worth $12… I havnt settled with that yet. I do blame you a little bit, Jenilee), drinking coffee and watching Ed. I just finished the cliffhanger where Denise walks out of Carol at the church, and crazy Jimmy the horse is so crazy Ed wasnt the one to break up the wedding even though that was the plan.
Plans. I had a great plan of a to-do list written nicely on an index card (hello, old friend, we havnt been spending much time with each other since the move. Im sorry about that, I will be better about that from now on) with what my plan of the morning before an odd afternoon shift at Starbucks. I still can get those things done with no problem (one of them was to do my nails, so, check). Though, when Im left with more time on my hands than simply getting ready and going, you’ll find me at 10am in my PJs and house shoes staring out the window. Im thinking about all sorts of things instead of carrying out the tasks on the index card. This morning its thoughts lent, friendships and why my coffee now suddenly smells like bacon when there is no bacon in the house (great, now I want bacon). I feel I “waste” a lot of time thinking with no record of it written down wether here or in my journal (when I need to keep secrets from Chaz (my computer)). As if I had my tangled thoughts written like a paper I can turn in “Heres what Ive been doing with my time! Im productive!” or something.
Durning my “review” at Westover John and I talked about how I need to learn how to rest. With my two jobs, my hours are so strange and I have one day off a week. After more than a year of doing this, I have gotten used to only a day off at week. Ive learned how not to rest it seems. Because even now with too much time on my hands before I have to be somewhere, part of my feels guilty. As if I should be using this time better in someway. I didnt lay hands or pray over my to-do list to see if that is what God wanted me to do this morning. Should I? Would that made me feel better about this morning? No, I dont think so. Durning his last days on this earth, Jesus went to be alone, away from His friends. He has spent the days before kinda making a big deal in the temple, being busy. He knew he had to rest before the big event that lay before him, the reason he came in the first place. Even Jesus knew the importance of resting, being alone with his thoughts and feelings. Sorting them out with the Father.
Now, Im dont have a great event coming up that Im preparing for (heck, Im going to the beach this upcoming weekend with our youth volunteers and Im so excited). Do we though as frail humans need to rest for the small things? For the things in life we find hard times finding joy in? I want to be more joyful, a lot of times I find it hard to be that way. I find joy in my coffee, green apple and swiss cheese breakfast. I wish Id find joy in small things such as God providing foods I enjoy a lot more often. I wish I wouldnt feel an once of guilt sitting here, but I do. Thankfully, I believe in a God who loves me despite all my doubts and lack of joy. I know its okay to be here, Him knowing my thoughts before I think them, and that brings comfort. Comfort that He is always there, even when I dont make the plans to rest in Him. That is something for me to find joy in, as I spent the rest of my day in tangled thoughts.