On Our Way To Crazy

I’ve always considered myself a pretty outgoing person. I’ll talk to anyone, I make jokes that sometimes make people laugh, I know how to bring the crazy. But there’s a big difference between being outgoing and being open, and lately I’m beginning to think I’m not open at all.

I don’t really share my life with people. We have lots of friends, we are invited to parties and events and we always have a good time with other people. But something in me keeps it from going further than that. I don’t tell my friends when something is wrong. I will share other people’s needs, but I probably won’t ask you to pray for me.

This has only recently occured to me. I don’t think it’s so much that I’m afraid to let people really get to know me as it is that I don’t know how. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t want to be sappy or cheesy, so I avoid telling people what’s really going on in my life.

When something happens, from trying to sell our house to Aaron’s dad going in for surgery, I never think to ask people to pray for us. I just don’t. Maybe I don’t think our problems are big enough. Maybe I know that I don’t always pray for people when they ask me to, so I don’t feel like I should ask the same from others. Maybe I don’t want to invite people in far enough to share our problems and have them ask about them later on. Maybe that’s too much of a commitment for me.

But I think I want that kind of commitment. I want to really be a part of a community. I am really good at showing up and bringing food and listening and playing games and helping out. But clearly there’s more to it than that, or I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing something.