On Our Way To Crazy

Is there ever a point in life where you stop second-guessing yourself?

It doesn’t matter how confident I feel in my job, or how comfortable I am with my personality, or how secure I am in my marriage. I always have that little voice in my head, comparing me to that big youth pastor across the street, or that cooler girl at church, or that wife who really has it together.

I’ve been down about those kinds of things lately. We’re having some issues in the youth group that I feel like we wouldn’t have if someone stronger, more capable, more experienced was in charge. I think I know in my head that everyone struggles with self-doubt like that (don’t they?), but I spend an awful lot of time feeling like I’m the only one.

This week I met with my pastor and talked to him about some of these issues. It’s a tricky thing when your pastor is also your boss, and I didn’t want to give him reasons to start doubting my abilities. We had a good conversation about knowing where our strengths lie and focusing on them and how we can best put them to use. And about the opposite – knowing where we are weak and surrounding ourselves with people who can fill in those holes. If you’re an ear, be an ear… just make sure you’ve got some eyes around to do their part, too.

It was helpful to know that I’m not the only one who feels inadequate sometimes. It’s just so easy to get caught up in that idea, though, and convince yourself that you are holding everyone back and it would benefit the whole group if you would just get out of the way. I feel better. A little.

But I am afraid. And unsure. And some days I want to run and hide and quit and find a desk job.