On Our Way To Crazy

The internet has been inundating me with awesome videos this week, and today I share them with you. Behold.

Seth Avett sings Billy Joel
I’m not a huge Billy Joel fan, but I am a huge fan of all things Avett and all things cover songs, so this is a win-win for me.

The Swell Season sings Daniel Johnston
Skip ahead about a minute and prepare to be blown away. “Devil Town” is an old song that I only know about because the Bright Eyes version is very important in the Friday Night Lights universe, and the Swell Season is of course amazing. Perfect combination.

The Beatles’ “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”
One of my favorite favorite Beatles’ songs. This is so awesome.

Langhorne Slim and Seth Avett “Sweet Olive Girl”
Bonus Avett video! I’d never heard of Langhorne Slim before watching this video of the two of them singing his song “Sweet Olive Girl”, but I’m pretty sure I’m his new biggest fan. Love his voice.

Feb 1 – I finally got all the pictures off of my old blackberry. Lots of cute Miles pictures.
Feb 2 – A lady in the church had us over for tea and lunch. It was amazing.
Feb 3 – Drove around Franklin looking at neighborhoods. Found some good spots for the move to Franklin we’ll be making in ten thousand years.
Feb 4 – Gave a copy of “Roaring Lambs” by Bob Briner to one of my college kids.
Feb 5 – Finally found a dress to wear to Aaron’s brother’s wedding. So stressful.
Feb 6 – Super Bowl party! Great food and fun friends and pecan brownies.
Feb 7 – A weird freak mid-afternoon snowstorm canceled youth group. I hate canceling but I like unexpected nights at home.
Feb 8 – We had a potential adoption situation come up out of the blue. It didn’t work out, obviously, but it was a bit of an emotional game changer for us.
Feb 9 – Friday Night Lights finale. SO EMOTIONAL.
Feb 10 – Good phone talk with a friend.
Feb 11 – Made a cake from scratch.
Feb 12 – Ate pancakes and went roller skating with the middle school girls. It was awesome.
Feb 13 – Grammy party!
Feb 14 – Accidentally went to dinner where a bunch of people were on Valentine’s dates. It was awkward.
Feb 15 – Fun afternoon with our pastor’s daughter.
Feb 16 – The youth group mascot (a rubber chicken wearing a bikini) was rescued from the church rafters.
Feb 17 – Really nice coffee with a friend.
Feb 18 – My car hit 100,000 miles! Love that thing.
Feb 19 – Stressful week. Enchiladas and donuts make it better. Don’t judge.
Feb 20 – The middle school boys had a fun bowling and pizza day.
Feb 21 – Listened to the new Miranda Lambert record all day.
Feb 22 – Watched Greek. Cried.
Feb 23 – Hung out with our friends while they did our taxes. They are nice.
Feb 24 – Got Words With Friends on my phone! I am now officially playing TOO MUCH SCRABBLE.
Feb 25 – Very successful shopping day.
Feb 26 – Great service project with the kids.
Feb 27 – Oscars, pizza, wine, hummus, and Thin Mints with Becka.
Feb 28 – Delicious sushi and thai and good conversation with some youth staffers.

I never really planned on writing about this. I don’t like for people to know my business. But it turns out that sometimes when you talk about your life, people care. They listen. They have advice. (Some of it sucks.) They ask questions. It’s helpful. (Sometimes it’s not.)

I have always been… unsure about having kids. I have always wanted them in a very hazy, ambiguous someday in the far away future kind of way, but it’s not something I ever gave a lot of concrete thought to for whatever reason. When people would ask I would just kind of blow them off. Eventually people stopped asking. That was fine with me.

Part of the problem, besides being completely terrified both of the responsibility and what I considered to be the loss of freedom, was my fear of the actual process of pregnancy and childbirth. Fear, and anxiety, and a debilitating sense of oh-my-gosh-there-is-no-way-I-could-ever-do-that-ever-ever-ever. I’m not talking about nervousness. I am talking full-on, counseling-requiring, freak out in the middle of the night anxiety. It is real. I has it.

But finally, after SO MANY CONVERSATIONS about what we want and how to get there and life stages and schedules and blah blah blah, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. I was scared, Aaron was scared, but we made a decision and did not look back.

Months went by. I had it in my head that it would happen fairly quickly. This was based on… nothing. All I could think was that it had taken me so long to decide to try in the first place, surely it would happen quickly before I could change my mind, right? No. Apparently things don’t quite work that way.

We are closing in on two years since we decided to start trying. Obviously, things are not progressing in that area. I wish I had been writing about it all along the process, to help me figure out how I was feeling about everything, but apparently when I say I don’t want people to know my business that sometimes also includes me.

About six months ago we decided to start looking into adoption. I started researching and meeting with social workers and reaching out to friends who’ve adopted. A lot of what I found was really encouraging. Friends who were matched within a few months, friends who found a baby through another friend, people who had massively successful fundraisers and a surprisingly quick process. But a whole mess of it was really discouraging, too. People who had to wait years. People who are still waiting. The thousands and thousands of dollars it can take to adopt, even if you do it domestically. The questionable ethics of agencies and birth mother fees. The kids who don’t attach or adapt. Adoptions that fell through at the last minute.

Turns out there’s no easy way to have kids. I probably should have known that.

Next month we are officially starting the domestic adoption process. There are a few things we need to take care of first, things I think will be simple but probably won’t be. We will sign up with a social worker and complete a home study, and then we will wait. And I want to talk about it.

One of the counselors I met with told me the best thing to do when you’re ready to adopt is just to talk to people. And, she said, it will suck sometimes. Because people are crazy, even when they’re trying to help. They will tell you crazy stories, and say insensitive things, and sometimes you will want to break down crying in the middle of a conversation. But the more people who know, the more people who can potentially help. You never know whose neighbor’s coworker’s sister’s babysitter’s cousin will find out she’s pregnant and decide to put the baby up for adoption. And I want that cousin to talk to the babysitter who talks to the sister who talks to the coworker who talks to the neighbor who knows us and our story and gets us in touch with each other.

Adoption happens by way of the gossip mill, apparently. I can roll with that.

But I want to write about it more. I want to share the process with our friends and family. I needed to get you guys caught up. Here we are. Let’s do this thing.