On Our Way To Crazy

The season and practice of Lent has always been a tough on for me. I’ve often given things up – sweets, soda, fast food, reading blogs, shopping. Sometimes I’ve even tried to replace those things with something positive, usually prayer or Bible reading. But I’ve never really put my soul into it. It was just something I did.

In the sermon on Sunday, our pastor talked about Lent as an opportunity. A time to take apart the faith we live with every day and look at it a little more closely. Spread out all the pieces, clean them up, make sure they’re still supposed to be there. See if the faith you hold onto still rings true in your life. And, if it doesn’t, dig into that. Take the parts that don’t resonate with you anymore and hold them up. Examine them.

We ended with the Apostle’s Creed and Communion. Before reciting, he encouraged us to really see the words we were saying, and if something didn’t feel right, don’t say that part. Let yourself be honest about where you are. Don’t just go through the motions and sign on to something you’re not so sure about.

So I’m going to try.

I’m not too worried about whether or not Mary was a virgin, or if the garden story is a metaphor, or which parts of Paul are meant to be taken in context. I feel pretty settled on how I view the Bible and what we’re supposed to do with it.

The parts of my faith that need to be examined are the personal ones. See, I am a cynical person. Sarcastic, defensive, uncomfortable with earnestness. I don’t feel an emotional attachment to God. I believe in God, and I believe life is spiritual, and I believe that Jesus is the example of what the body is supposed to do and be. But I don’t know what I think about God being personal.

It used to bum me out when people would talk about how God answered their prayers, or how they could look back at a situation and see how God had guided them through. How he had looked out for them, or kept them safe, or blessed them with a job or a spouse or a child or a new house or a parking space. It all just feels so random… not all believers get those things, and all kinds of people who want nothing to do with God have the same things happen to them. The only conclusion I can come to is that God’s not in the business of affecting those kinds of changes for us. They just happen.

And I’m okay with that. I think I’m more comfortable with a God who doesn’t play favorites or operate randomly. But what it has resulted in is a lack of personal devotion and a cynical heart. Even when I do feel an emotional pull, usually during prayer or music in a church service, I’m pretty quick to write it off. It’s easy to get emotional in a dimly lit room with beautiful music being performed, right? It’s not real.

I think I may have swung too far in the opposite direction. But I think God has room for me there, too.

So my goal for Lent is to try to be more open. Can you give up cynicism for Lent? Because I’m going to try. Cynicism and Chick-Fil-a. Those waffle fries are gonna be the death of me.