On Our Way To Crazy

Can we please take a minute to talk about how lame I am?

I just spent three hours watching Fox. Two episodes of Friends, American Idol and Don’t Forget the Lyrics. I am pathetic.

I cannot believe I am into American Idol this season. I haven’t watched it at all since the first (and most awesome) Kelly Clarkson season. I hate this show. I hate the judges, I hate the contestants, I hate the songs and the band and Ryan Seacrest. And yet, I cannot stop watching. I picked it up randomly a few weeks ago when Aaron wasn’t home and they were auditioning in Dallas. I was flipping by, saw Dallas, and stopped because I am convinced that one day I am going to see someone I know on a reality show.

(Sidenote: I don’t know know Jason Yeager, but our paths crossed a couple of times in high school so that is kind of random. Except he wasn’t actually on the Dallas show as best as I can remember. When the guys sang on Tuesday I spent his whole (not so good) song doing the, “I… think I know that guy. Who is that? Why do I know him? Seriously. I know him. I think he was in some kind of show choir in college. No… earlier. I don’t think I really know him. But I kind of do. Who is that?” dance in my head before I finally figured it out.)

(Do you like how my sidenote is longer than my actual paragraph?)

Anyway, I hate all of the guys except the really enthusiastic kid and the hot old guy with the accent, and all of the girls except the one with the curly hair who plays the guitar, especially now because when I looked up that link it said she loves Bonnie Raitt. I love Bonnie Raitt! Clearly we will now be BFFs.

So I’m watching American Idol. Sad. But tonight I also watched Don’t Forget the Lyrics, which I secretly love but never watch because I don’t know when it comes on. (Hint: after American Idol.) I always tell Aaron I would rule at that show. But I am a huge lier because while I do have a ridiculous amount of song lyrics in my head, I rarely know the songs on the show. If they could feature a little more Counting Crows or Ben Folds, I would own them.

I probably would have watched the show regardless, but I knew I had to when, on the previews they showed during American Idol, they told me that BOYZ II MEN was going to be on there. Boyz II Men! I love them so much. At the end of the show they sang “End of the Road”, and I’m not gonna lie to y’all, I got a little emotional as I was singing along in the living room with Miles. You know that song played at your eighth-grade graduation, or as the last song at your prom, or in your bedroom when you and your sister sang into your hairbrushes. That’s some good stuff.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Aaron goes out of town and the best I can do for myself is wine, tomato soup, and cheesy reality shows. I would write more, but America’s Best Dance Crew is about to come on and I have to get ready.

(Just kidding.)

(No I’m not.)

Dear Anthropologie,

Why? Why are you so mean? You sell the most beautiful things. Things I not only cannot afford, but have very little use for. I work out of my house 75% of the time. I wear jeans and t-shirts and flats every single day. I do not need your clothes. I cannot afford your clothes. But, oh, how I want your clothes.

It totally makes sense for me to wear these while I sit on my couch, right? Right?

I don’t even wear dresses, even to church. Maybe one day, when going to church just means showing up and doesn’t involve loading trailers and pushing carts and folding tables and stacking chairs. And on that day, I will wear these.

I wish I had a closet full of skirts like these.

Must. Wear. Every. Day.

And the shoes! Oh, the shoes.

I am a sucker for a good bag.

Anthropologie, if you’re reading this, please know that I love you. And if you are sitting there thinking about how you’d like to bestow a complete new wardrobe on a random person who never spends money with you on anything that’s not on sale, please consider me. I promise to do you proud.

Kisses,
Brandi

As you may have noticed from my flickr page, we got Guitar Hero 3 for Christmas. Well, technically, Aaron did. We’ve played it several times – with our families, at a New Year’s party, with the youth group as part of my plan to turn them into an army of robots. But I’d never played it by myself.

A bit of a primer for those who may not have played before. In career mode, you name your band and play through the songs in order. Every four songs, you get to play an encore. If you succeed at playing the encore (usually a song much harder than the ones you’ve been playing), you move up in the music world – from a backyard party to a club, from shooting a music video to playing in a prison. On each level the songs get harder.

(I realize that the more I talk about this the more lame I sound. I wish I could say I am cooler than I am coming across, but that would be a lie.)

Guitar Hero 3 added a new twist to the career mode. Every few levels you have to battle. It’s like playing against the computer, if the computer is random guys from rock bands. I beat Tom Morello with no issues. He’s a wimp. A weenie. I smoked him with the guitar I bought that’s shaped like a leg.

But y’all? I cannot beat Slash. i just can’t. He’s too good. I hate him. The more I battle him, the worse I get. He is draining all my Guitar Hero powers, and also possibly my will to live.

I fear I will be stuck on this level forever, doomed to replay La Grange to the prison guys over and over for the rest of my life. My flippin’ sweet band, Lechuga, will never make it to the arena shows. There will be no Grammys, no breaking up over creative differences, no VH1 Behind the Music.

Poor Lechuga. Stupid Slash.

Around the same time I started working at Reba, a country group called Sugarland was coming out. It was two girls and a guy, and the lead singer girl had this annoying twangy voice that drove me nuts.

They kept putting out songs, and the songs kept doing well, and they were everywhere. EVERYWHERE. CMT played on the big screen in the lobby all day, and I heard that girl singing all the time. It was not pleasant for me. At all.

Last year she was part of CMT Giants: Reba, the show we went out to LA to see being taped. She annoyed me there, too. She annoys me all the time everywhere forever and ever amen.

But.

Then Sugarland put out a song called “Stay”. It’s more mellow than the bulk of their stuff, and the twang is toned way down. It’s just her and a guitar. It’s well written with a good little twist at the end.

And y’all? I love it. I love that stupid song. It gets to me. The other day I even sat in the car in the driveway just to hear the end of it. I downloaded it from itunes.

I paid money in order to be able to hear a Sugarland song whenever I want.

I am so ashamed.

You guys. YOU GUYS.

Back on the first of November, I signed up for NaBloPoMo, where you post every day in November and at the end there are prizes and stuff. The chances of winning a prize are pretty slim – it’s really more about just writing every day and keeping things up to date on your blog.

And y’all, I did it. I posted every single day in November.

Except YESTERDAY. The last day of November. I posted 29 times in a row and then completely forgot to post on the last day.

GAH.

Today I played a song on “hard” on Guitar Hero and I didn’t get booed off the stage.

I? Am awesome.

Reasons I have broken up/ended a date/stopped hanging out with someone:

- They laughed in all the wrong places during movies.
- They made gross chewing noises.
- They offered to follow me wherever I wanted to go.
- They verbally admired the way frat guys had burned their letters on their arms.
- They had a barbed wire tattoo.
- They kissed other girls more than they kissed me.
- They had plastic light covers that had to be removed every time we parked somewhere.
- They chose not to diminish their criminal tendencies, but to magnify them.
- They bought me a giant mylar heart balloon on Valentine’s Day.
- They wore those yellow work boot things.
- They complained that I read all the time.
- They found themselves much more impressive than I did.
- They listened to thrash metal. On purpose.

(Just to clarify: this is not the number of people I have actually dated. It’s more like a handful of guys exhibiting multiple qualities on the list.)

Reason #42851 why I love living in this house:

I learned today that we live exactly one mile from Jack White. I drive past his house every day.

I think I have found a new BFF. Maybe I’ll invite him over for Thanksgiving.

I had a fancy french manicure for my wedding. Fake nails that were clear on the bottom and white on the top. They made my fingers feel like they weighted twenty pounds each and were hell and a half to take off.

I haven’t worn polish on my fingernails since.

I’ve been seeing really short, dark nails all over the place – in magazines, on TV, out and about. So the other day I went out and bought some dark brown polish. I don’t think I can go black. I had black toenails for a while and our pastor asked if I had gone goth. Plus, as they say, I couldn’t go back.

So I trimmed my nails short and painted them “Brownie” by Sephora. And y’all. I love it. It makes everything I do feel more fancy.

Typing? Self-checkout at Publix? Text messaging? Changing the radio station? It’s all better with my cool new nails. It’s like everything I do with my hands has a little flourish to it.

I’m a whole new woman.

Have I told you lately how I love you, library? You bring me so much joy. I particularly love you on the third Saturday of every third month. Why? It’s book sale time, and on Saturdays everything is half price. Oh, yes.

Today I gave you eighteen dollars and you gave me:

The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards
A Live Coal in the Sea by Madeleine L’Engle
Lake Wobegon Days by Garrison Keillor
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt
The Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway
Illumination Night by Alice Hoffman
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
An Abundance of Katherines and Looking for Alaska, both by John Green

Yes, library, I love you so much. Buying ten books for eighteen dollars is a great way to make yourself feel better after a hard week. Thank you, library. Thank you for being you.