This weekend, I went on a prayer retreat. I’ve been struggling lately with emotions, and I just wanted to share some thoughts about what I learned.
Numb. That’s what I feel. Or maybe, what I don’t feel. I’m sitting here in this shack, trying desperately to light a fire. Right now, the small stove in front of me holds an even smaller flame. I can’t feel my toes. I can’t feel my nose. I can’t even feel this pen grasped in my fingers.
Being numb is easier. Easier than patiently stacking wood, holding a match in just the right spot, feeding tinder into the flame.
Why must You keep teaching me things. Even as I sit here, my nose running, my eyes watering, my lungs filling with smoke, you’re drilling thoughts into my head–into my heart. Revealing to me that my numb fingers are nothing compared to my numb heart.
Sometimes, I just wish I could shut off my feelings, close down my emotions. I can sense it happening, this deadening of my heart, this “protection” of self. It’s like plunging cold hands into hot water. It stings. But staying numb means losing my self–it means those numb parts will be lost, unusable, dead.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not feel. But I know…
If I couldn’t feel a blister on my skin, I also couldn’t feel a kiss on my cheek.
If I couldn’t feel pain, I also couldn’t feel joy.
If I couldn’t feel betrayal, I couldn’t feel love.
So I’ll do it. I’ll stoke the fire and breathe in the smoke. I’ll scoot closer to the flames, and let the warmth surround me. I’ll feel. Even if it means I’ll hurt.
(I’m actually posting this for Becky, because her comments keep getting blocked as spam. She tried to post this quote from C.S. Lewis, and it’s too beautiful not to share!)
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal … Lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket … it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable … The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”