I'm Just Sayin'

Y’all. I thought I was going to die yesterday. But in an entertaining way. Because that’s what I do. Get in life-threatening situations, then share them for the world to laugh at.

My friend Becca and I were out walking yesterday. We have a dirt walking trail at work, so on nice days, sometimes we escape out there for a 15-minute walk. To get the blood pumping. Or something.

So, we’re walking along, chatting, when I see a movement out of the corner of my eye. Dear Lord, a snake. Albeit a small one, but still a snake, quickly slithering away. And being the good friend that I am, I lept behind Becca, using her as a human shield. For which I will always feel shame.

You’re probably thinking “That’s not a very interesting story.” But oh, dear reader. It gets better.

We keep walking, and we’re discussing how neither of us had never seen a rattlesnake. Why, oh why, would we curse ourselves that way. Because, seriously, not one minute later, there’s a rattlesnake. A few feet from us. And y’all. ITS MOUTH WAS OPEN. AND IT WAS RATTLING. AND I MAY HAVE WET MYSELF.

The events that followed are a blur. Becca runs down the hill, and I turn to make sure she hasn’t fallen face-first into the dirt. I was trying to redeem myself for the earlier human shield incident.

She’s still standing, and starts screaming at me to run. So I did. This wasn’t any pansy wogging. I was running. Even though my knee, which I’ve been having issues with was screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?” I was screaming back “SHUT UP! WE’RE GOING TO DIE.”

Finally, we determine we’re a safe distance from the snake. Although, to me, a safe distance is now another state.

So, that’s how I almost died. How I almost went to Beulah Land. How I rededicated my life as I ran past one of Satan’s minions.

I’m not dramatic. Seriously.