I'm Just Sayin'

It’s hard for me to say “I love you.” Because I have issues.

First, I shall tell you my childhood issues that have formed me into the warped human being I am today.

Growing up, there was a person in my family whom I often talked to on the phone. This person and I had a strained relationship, at best. I was not a priority in their life, and I was often hurt by this person. They were terrible at expressing real love and affection. I am still dealing with the repurcussions of that relationship today.

But at the end of every phone conversation I had with this person, they would say “I love you.” And I automatically said it back. Every single time. Even if the moment I hung up the phone I would dissolve into tears. Even if the last emotion I felt towards that person was love, I still said it.

Soon, the words “I love you” began to taste heavy and metallic in my mouth. It was painful to spill them out, only to see them trampled underfoot. So I began to guard them closely. I still spat them out to end those strained phone conversations. But the real “I love you’s” slowly began to disappear from my vocabulary. I had to trust you with them. When people told me “I love you” I squirmed awkwardly. Did they mean it? Were they just parading those words in front of me, taunting me?

It became harder as I grew older. There were people in my life I deeply loved. Friendships that got me through some incredibly hard times. But anytime I would toss out a flippant “love ya” I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t separate those words from the memories.

But sometimes, the “I love you” breaks through. A friend demonstrates their faithfulness. A family member loves sacrificially. Out pours the “I love you.” And, oh, when it does, I speak it with abandon! When I reach that point in a friendship when I trust the love, when I trust the words, when I trust the motive, I can’t say it enough. My heart sings it, shouts it. It becomes rich with meaning, sweet and warm in my mouth.

So yes, I have issues. “I love you” may not trip easily off of my tongue. But when I do say it, you can believe that I mean it.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 12th, 2008 at 4:29 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.