And in the end…there is love.

As a kid, I spent a lot of time in the doctor’s office. Therefore, I read a lot of Highlights magazines. I loved the stories, I loved the finding objects in the picture game. And I LOVED Goofus and Gallant. Maybe I loved it because, as a kid, I thought in black and white. Good and bad. And that was Goofus and Gallant. These were flat characters my friends. And I loved that.

So, as I do with all things I love, I will now mimic it in a way to get cheap laughs. Because, as an adult, I’ve learned there’s a lot of gray mixed in between the black and white. A middle-ground between the extremes. But what fun is middle-ground? So here I present, Goofus and Gallant, in the workplace.

Goofus stands around at other people’s desks, giggling and gossiping.
Gallant works so hard that he doesn’t even know the last names of his co-workers.

Goofus plays with his co-worker’s hair and doesn’t understand personal space.
Gallant has never made physical contact at the workplace.

Goofus takes personal calls on the speakerphone in his cubicle.
Gallant NEVER takes personal calls. That is why he missed the birth of his first three children, who were born between the hours of 9 and 5 on weekdays.

Goofus calls in sick when he needs a vacation.
Gallant has 8,000 unused vacation hours. And he has never called in sick. He actually had his appendix removed at work while completing spreadsheets.

Goofus steals paperclips, pens and printers from the supply closet.
Gallant recycles toilet paper at work. That’s stewardship there, folks.

Goofus takes three hour lunches that he charges to his company.
Gallant purees his food so he can drink it through a straw while working.