I hate the mall. Really, really hate it. I hate every part of it. From trying to find a parking space to fighting with people for the last sweater in my size. Here, for you, is a collection of the things I wanted to say at the mall today, but didn’t. Because I’m totally a nice person.
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Dear Soccer Mom in your GIANT Suburban,
It isn’t the Suburban itself that bothers me. I’m not a tree hugger. If you can afford the gas for that hulking piece of metal, so be it. But seriously, why must you take up two parking spaces? Why, for the love of all that’s good and holy. I tried to make my little car fit. Goodness knows I tried. But your insistence on ignoring the lines and all sense of human decency made my efforts impossible. Please, learn how to park. Do it for the kids. The kids being me.
Angry Girl in the Saturn
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Dear Herds of Roaming Teenagers,
I don’t understand you. I don’t understand your need to prowl the mall, being all loud and obnoxious. See, you just made me sound like a crotchety old lady. And I’m not. But when you stretch across the full width of the walkway, and make me press so tightly against the wall that my Orange Julius straw nearly goes up my nose–well, that’s just uncalled for. Get a job. Get a hobby. Get off my lawn, you rotten kids.
Girl with the straw up her nose
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Kiosk Employees,
I don’t want to buy what you’re selling. There, I said it. I don’t want your fur-lined crocs or your bling bling chains. Okay, yes, one time I let you put that cuticle cream on my hands. But it was a moment of weakness. You were a cute boy, and I knew you would have to hold my hand for a few seconds. I’m ashamed. But listen, when I’m purposefully not making eye contact, practically running by you, don’t block my path. Don’t talk to me. Please, leave me alone. I’d hate to have to shove this Orange Julius straw up your nose. But I will. Oh trust me. I will.
Armed and Dangerous
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Over-Enthusiastic Bookstore Employee,
Hey, I love books. I really do. But I need you to step away from me right now. Stop waving that book in my face, telling me how great it is. I asked you to help me find it. You don’t have to try to sell it to me. I already want to buy it, for heaven’s sake. Just hand me the book and step away slowly. And stop talking. Your voice is a cheese grater to my brain.
Cringing in the New Fiction Aisle
Amen, Brandy! Nothing makes me angrier than an SUV taking up two parking spaces.
All good reasons to avoid the mall and shop online. Being a guy I usually just walk through the herds of teenagers but if I have to shop the mall I try to go while all the kiddies are in school and avoid nights and weekends.
the mall closest to me is good for their ticketmaster outlet, but that’s about it. oh, and chick fil a. when i go i usually walk in directly to whatever it is i’m going for. the kiosk people don’t bother me, i think the key is not to make eye contact with them. i’m also not cool with the people driving SUVs (as if all of them really need them!) who can’t park. they put lines on the pavement, it’s not as if it’s a free for all. maybe we’re asking too much?
You said: “Your voice is a cheese grater to my brain.” Who are you!?!?! I love it.
What’s the new read? I just started “The Shack”. There, I said it. *whew*
Brandy, we should SO go shopping together. We could be old ladies together. I think we should come up with “Golden Girl” personas. Just don’t make me Blanche.
Brandy, I now know the real reason you don’t love the mall, thanks to the little story you shared at dinner. You can’t hide behind the SUV anymore as a scapegoat.
Just do what I do when I go to the mall, take 4 small girls with you. People avoid you like the plague. We walk where we want, when we want.
the mall makes me want to hurt people. i feel like a man when i’m waiting for my friends to shop…impatient and annoyed.