The best Christmas letter ever. Seriously.

Tonight I was writing out Christmas cards. Because yes, I write Christmas cards. And put a personal note in every one. It’s a sickness, really. But as I was writing, I was reminded again how fun it would be to write a Christmas letter. Not your typical one. Because really, what single, childless person writes a Christmas letter. Unless…said letter is tainted with sarcasm. So here, in all its glory, my sarcastic, slightly exaggerated, very tongue in cheek, Christmas letter. You’re welcome.

Dear friends, family, acquaintances and people who stumble upon my blog searching for the term “hooker boots”:

What a year it’s been! It’s hard to believe that it’s already December! Actually, I feel like it’s been December for about six months. I swear there have been Christmas decorations in stores for six months. Too early people, too early! Oh wait, I’m sorry. Did I not mention that I’m a crotchety old lady now? GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DARN KIDS!

Anyway, I should probably answer a few of your burning questions before getting too far into things. So, in no particular order:

  • No I am not married yet.
  • I don’t know why I’m not married yet.
  • No really, there’s nobody who’s interested in me.
  • Yes, really. Nobody.
  • Yup, I’m almost thirty.
  • Yes, that is my biological clock you hear ticking.
  • It does sound like a time bomb, doesn’t it?
  • Yes, I would love a bottle glass of wine. Thank you.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about what I have accomplished this year!

I am still working at Compassion International, as a writer. I love my job, and my co-workers are wonderful. This year, I traveled to Togo (no, that’s not in Europe–actually, it’s in West Africa). In Togo, the people speak French. In Togo, I spoke Frenchlish. Which basically involved using a really bad French accent and laughing like this: “oh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh.” Somehow, it never quite worked.

Speaking of traveling, I went to New Mexico with some friends this summer. There I consumed gallons of green chili, and pounds of cheese. I believe the two counteract each other. The cheese plugs up the holes that the chili burned in my stomach. It’s a scientific fact. We also walked for nearly an hour to see fireworks that were approximately 1 mile from our hotel. That takes talent. At least we didn’t sit at the bus stop for half an hour waiting for a bus that never came. Wait. We did that too.

I also bought a house this year. Which means that I now officially have no money. So if you get a collage made out of macaroni spray-painted gold and magazine pictures of porcelain dolls for Christmas, consider yourself lucky. Spray paint costs money, people. The magazines I stole from the doctor’s office.

I’ve loved hosting things at my new house. I was on a brunch kick for a while. The mimosas flowed. I love that mimosas are one of the few alcoholic beverages that are acceptable to drink in the morning. Thank you, whoever invented mimosas.

I eventually graduated to hosting dinners. I had a family over for a roasted chicken dinner one evening. Seriously, just buy the rotisserie chicken. Even after hours of cooking, the stupid thing was raw enough to walk out of the oven itself.

When I’m not having people over for raw chicken, I’ve also enjoyed teaching kindergartners at church. Just this past Sunday, we learned about the parting of the Red Sea. There’s nothing like seeing the horror in a child’s face when you explain to him that Pharaoh’s entire army drowned in the sea. You know, the week after you explain the plaque of the first-born son. Two weeks after the story of Abraham being called to sacrifice Isaac.

I think we need new curriculum.

Anyway, that’s pretty much been my year. Traveling. Going into debt. Trying to give good friends food poisoning. Frightening small children.

It’s all just another day for me.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas! And if you’re thinking of something to give me for Christmas, a meat thermometer would be nice. Or cash. Whichever you like.

Your friend,

  18 comments for “The best Christmas letter ever. Seriously.

  1. December 1, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Yay! Loved the letter.

  2. December 1, 2009 at 7:10 am

    This letter is 5,000 times better than the typical “We went to Disney World for our vacation. It was fun. Little Jimmy is getting so good at softball. We are boring. What a fun crazy year it has been!” letters that we get every year.

  3. December 1, 2009 at 8:03 am

    sounds like quite a year. and really, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. it’s never too early for alcohol on Saturdays during football season.

    i agree with Jeff, this letter was so much better than others i’ve read. it’s real and funny as opposed to boring.

  4. December 1, 2009 at 8:10 am

    You’re awesome. I have wanted to write a similar letter for the last few years ๐Ÿ˜‰

    But macaroni and porcelain dolls? That’s a true treasure.

  5. December 1, 2009 at 8:21 am

    Love it.

    You are awesome – and I think that you should actually send this letter. Who wouldn’t love it?

  6. December 1, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Loved it! Perfect letter.

  7. December 1, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Hilarious. As always.

  8. December 1, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I LOL’d. Thanks, I needed that, but my burning question is…actually I have 2 questions. 1. So, was the plaque of the first-born son caused because of a lack of flossing? 2. Did you serve alcohol with the raw chicken? That’s all I want to know. AWESOME LETTER! You should be proud of yourself for writing it.

  9. December 1, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    OH MY GOSH! How do I always spell plague wrong. And why are you always there to point it out!

    And of course there was alcohol with the raw kitchen. Alcohol kills salmonella. Or something like that.

  10. December 1, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Oh i love it.

  11. Jill
    December 9, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Hahaha. Thanks for representin’ the single & 30ish in Christmas card land! I hope you took a bow after you wrote this. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. December 30, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    So. I’m so late on reading this and probably too late to comment, but my o’ my how could I not. Where have I been all your life. I just had a Brandy blog high….feeels. so. good. Consider me re-addicted. *in spite of no mimosas, raw chicken, or xmas card* I know, I know, it’s my own fault. I’ll do better. In hopes of being off your naughty list as much as I love it.

  13. shakeel
    August 13, 2010 at 4:56 am

    so brilliant to take out knowledge out of this cocept

  14. Pamela Boyd Shields
    November 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    I read this letter each year, and I just die laughing! Thanks!

    • November 25, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      Aw, thanks Pamela. I’m actually working on a new letter to post next week. Prepare yourself for more snark!

  15. Raul Valdes
    December 23, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Is my first time to read this letter, is nothing less than inspirational.
    Thanks very much!
    I am leaving hoping to soon read your next X-Mas letter.I wish you the merriest of the wishes for this upcoming year.

  16. Rachel
    December 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Oh, thank you. I raise my inappropriately full, much too early Christmas Eve cocktail to you.

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