Conversations with Brandy

Actual conversations I had today*

At eye doctor’s office:
Doctor: Can you read the first line?
Me: It’s an E. I can’t see it, but it’s always an E.
Doctor: You are ridiculously near-sighted.

(Doctor puts in contacts which is WEIRD FEELING)
Me: (Blinking)
Doctor: Do you feel them?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: The lens awareness will diminish
(Contact lens falls into my lap)
Me: Um, doctor? This fell out.
Doctor: Really? That never happens!
Me: I am the exception to the rule.
Doctor: I am beginning to see that.
—
Conversation with friend:
Me: I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!
Friend: Oh?
Me: I went to get my eyes examined, and they had me wear contacts for a while. I GOT OVER FOREIGN OBJECTS IN MY EYES. I mean, I didn’t actually get contacts, but I’m considering it. And not one, but two strangers stuck their fingers in my eyes, and I didn’t pass out OR vomit. I’s all in the baby steps
Friend: That’s great! What else?
Me: Um…
Friend: So “so much to share with you” was two things
Me: Well, it involved foreign objects in my eyes and two sets of fingers in my eyes
So I think that’s like four things
—
At a coffee shop
Me: I have this coupon for a free coffee. I’ll take a grande peppermint mocha.
Barista: Do you want a venti? It’s free, after-all.
Me: I would never. ever. sleep. again.
Barista: That’s very dramatic.
Me: You have no idea.
—
A text conversation
Me: I just turned in my last two chapters! Can this possibly mean I am done with my first draft?
Friend: You ate a rock star!
Me: Um…
Friend: Obviously that’s literary industry jargon. Turning in your first draft=eating a rock star. You’ll learn.

*Condensed for space and maximum humor.