Category: I’m Such a Dork

My Quirks…

Posted by Brandy – February 13, 2008

So, I feel like I always get tagged on these “tell us weird things about yourself” blogs. I’ve done it before. I’m even weird at the holidays. But lucky for you, fair readers, I have plenty of quirks to go around.

1. For six months in first grade, my name was Nicole. I had a first grade teacher who was super-anal. If she had two kids in her class with the same first name, the second one who registered had to go by their middle name. I registered second, so all of a sudden, my name was Nicole. Do you know how hard it is for a 6-year-old to just switch names. I got in trouble all the time because I was “ignoring” the teacher. While in reality, I was wondering, “Who is this Nicole person, and why doesn’t she answer?” Oh, and halfway through the school-year, the other Brandy moved. So I got to be Brandy again. By then, I was answering to Nicole. I believe I developed a split personality that year.

2. I can’t give blood. I mean, technically, I can, and have given blood. But I’m a “quick bleeder.” I can fill up those bags like there’s no tomorrow. But my poor body starts screaming “WAIT! We need that.” So then I have to lay down and breathe in a bag. And eat lots of cookies. It’s fabulous.

3. I can’t commit to shampoo. At any given moment, I will have no less than 5 kinds of shampoo in my shower. This one smells good. That one gives body. Those provide moisture. Deep conditioning. Silky smoothing. It’s ridiculous. I can’t even help myself. I need an intervention.

4. I can’t NOT finish a book. If I start a book, I have to finish it. It can drag on for months. But it will remain on my nightstand until it’s done. I’ll read a few pages every day. Even if it’s the most god-awful book on the history of the earth, I will finish it. It’s a sickness.

5. I made up a boyfriend once. This is less quirky than it is insane. I was a freshman in college, and I went out for ice cream with some new friends. They were ALL talking about their boyfriends, so I got a little self-conscious. And all of a sudden, I was talking about my boyfriend. The only thing was, I didn’t have a boyfriend. Never had one. But I just invented this guy. His name was John. He went to Lynchburg College. He was president of the Student Government Association (that’s why he couldn’t come visit often.) It was insane. I guess everyone just assumed we broke up (couldn’t do the long-distance thing). But most of those girls still don’t know I made John up. I hope they don’t read this blog.

6. I finger-spell words ALL THE TIME. I used to think this was some kind of precursor for a mental illness. But whenever I’m talking, or listening, I’m typing those words in my head. Sometimes I count how many letters were from each hand. And try to make them even. It’s sick.

The Girl Who Cried Tumor

Posted by Brandy – February 5, 2008

I’m like one step from being a hypochondriac. Here’s the difference. I will get sick. Or have some kind of physical ailment. That condition is real. But I always think worst case scenario.

Here’s an example. When I was a senior in college, I had these knots on my shin on my right leg. They were sore, and they were there FOREVER…or a few months. Whichever. So, I finally decided to visit the doctor.

Well, my doctor really couldn’t figure out what it was. She sent me to get an ultrasound done on my leg. At which point, I decided I had cancer. I didn’t think maybe it was a possibility. Oh no. I had cancer.

Not only did I have cancer. That cancer was going to require that my leg be amputated. By the night before the ultrasound, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would go through the rest of my life with one leg. And I was okay with it. They had come a long way with prosthetics.

That night, as I ran through the scenario in my mind, I asked my roommate if she would mind if we had to move. “Why would we have to move,” she asked. “Oh,” I responded, “when my leg is amputated, we’ll have to live in a handicap accessible room.”

I thought she was being quiet because she was mourning the loss of my leg. Until she said “Brandy, you have lost your ever lovin’ mind.”

I could understand that she would be in denial. I had spent several days preparing for this.

The next morning, I went to the hospital for my ultrasound. The technician was…less than nice. She wouldn’t talk to me, and said nothing as she ran her wand over my right leg. Then, abruptly, she told me she needed to look at my other leg.

Dear Lord, I was going to lose both legs. I hadn’t even thought of that possibility. I was almost hyperventilating. This could not be happening.

Of course, you can probably guess the end of the story. My life-threatening tumors ended up being harmless cysts. I still have both of my legs.

But that doesn’t mean I still don’t have some kind of sickness that makes my mind immediately go to the worst case scenario. In the seven years since my tumor scare, I’ve had a detached retina, brain tumor, parasites, malaria and diabetes. Or, I haven’t had them. Whichever.

I’m the girl who cried tumor.

I’m really not a very nice person…

Posted by Brandy – February 1, 2008

Have you ever heard of Sandra Lee? She has this show on the Food Network called Semi-Homemade Cooking. And y’all, she plucks my very last nerve.

Look, I know what some of you are going to say. “But Brandy, Sandra Lee had a hard life. She had to raise her younger siblings. I read all about it on Wikipedia, so it must be true.” I don’t know Sandra Lee personally. I’m sure she’s a pleasant enough person. But why, dear Lord, does she have a cooking show? I simply cannot understand it.

To me, this is a Sandra Lee show.

First, she opens a can of Spaghetti-O’s.

Then she sprinkles some parsley on top of said Spaghetti-O’s. The homemade part.

She eats a few bites of this nastiness, moaning about how good it is. Or maybe she’s throwing up in her mouth a little.

Then she makes a “tablescape” out of the Spaghetti-O cans and a holly bush.

Then, for dessert, she sticks with the “O” theme and dumps a bag of mini donuts on a plate. Oh, and she sprinkles them with coconut. That’s the homemade part.

Finally, she makes a cocktail. Which consists of a bottle of vodka and a packet of grape kool aid.

And she gets paid for this.

I don’t understand it.

One of those Sundays…

Posted by Brandy – January 6, 2008

I was out of town most weekends in December, so I hadn’t taught Sunday school in about a month. So maybe I was just out of practice this morning. Or maybe it was the snow. Perhaps my kiddos had too many donuts for breakfast. All I know, is it was not a good day. But for you, my fair readers, I will share my pain. These are just a few of the actual statements I had to say this morning. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (ha!)

  • “Um, Corey, I’m going to need you to not blow your nose in your hand anymore.”
  • “Mark, I don’t care how good it tastes, you’re going to have to stop eating the Play-Doh.”
  • “Dear God, thank you for the kids here today. And please make them stop talking while we’re praying.”
  • “Jason, seriously, you need to stop dancing on the table.”
  • “Mark, it’s not nice to draw pictures of you killing your brother. And Lee, please don’t draw pictures of your poop. Nobody needs to see that.”
  • “Being a line-leader is a privilege my friend. One that you have not earned. Back of the line buddy. Back of the line.”

Captain Random

Posted by Brandy – December 3, 2007

So, I have no idea what to blog about today. I keep getting these thoughts, and I think, oh, I should blog about that. But it’s just a sentence or so worth of thoughts. Not enough for a whole blog. But I tell ya, they’re real gems. So I’m just going to do a little bulleted list for ya. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

  • I’m struggling with Christmas presents this year. I don’t know what my issue is. Sunday, I went to the mall. And guess what I came home with. Go ahead, guess. A cranberry limeade.
  • I just realized that the shorts I’m wearing right this second are more than 10 years old. They’re my gym shorts from high school. And they bring back terrible memories. Of hanging from the pull-up bar. Tripping over my own feet on the track. Being the catcher in softball and getting cracked in the shins with the ball. But they’re comfy. And I think it’s my act of defiance to sleep in them. Not sure how that works. Oh well.
  • Speaking of high school, my 10-year reunion is coming up. Combined with the fact that my mom called me old the other day has left me contemplating my age. I know I’m not old. But as I quickly come up on 30, I can’t help but think about what I thought my life would look like at 30, and what it really looks like. Bittersweet.
  • One of my old roommates is Biblegirl. That’s right. The Biblegirl. And I just discovered that her name is on Wikipedia. I’m friends with someone on Wikipedia. I’m like almost cool. Alright! (Plus, I totally wrote her bio. I am cool. Honest.)
  • This weekend, I made cookie dough. Lots of cookie dough. 15+ dozen hunks of sugary sweetness now languish in my freezer. Mmmmm, I love Christmas cookies.
  • If I could, I would sleep under my Christmas tree. But there’s not enough room. And if my apartment caught on fire, the firemen would probably wonder what I was doing sleeping under the tree. I don’t feel like answering to the firemen.

I think that’s it. I love randomness.

I know it’s a few days past Thanksgiving…

Posted by Brandy – November 27, 2007

But I had to post this video. My favorite part is Squanto (about 1:23 in).

I’m a weirdo…holiday edition

Posted by Brandy – November 26, 2007

I’m strange. I know that. And as if you needed more evidence of that fact, I found myself doing even more weird things this weekend. So this is me, weird, at the holidays.

  • I’m so picky about Christmas cards. First of all, I send a LOT of them. And I can’t just sign my name. Oh no. I have to write a personal note. A different personal note. In each one. Because I’m anal like that. But before I even get to that point, I have to find it. The perfect Christmas card. That was my quest this weekend. First, I eliminate anything that prominently features Santa Claus. Not that there’s anything wrong with Santa Claus. Just not the reason I celebrate. Second, most nativity scenes are eliminated, thanks to a little song by Andrew Peterson, which starts with the lines: It was not a silent night
    There was blood on the ground
    You could hear a woman cry
    In the alleyways that night
    On the streets of David’s town
    Seriously? How can I buy a Christmas card with a cherubic baby Jesus and a serene Mary after that? I can’t. So thank you Andrew Peterson, for making Christmas card shopping even harder for me. Finally, the words. This one’s too cheesy. That one’s too generic. Too funny. Too sad. For. The. Love. Four stores and three hours later, I emerged with some Charlie Brown cards. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.
  • Then came the decorating. I’m really not that anal about decorating. Except for the nativity. Because, it bugs me when the three wise men are part of the manger scene. They weren’t there yet. So, this was my solution:

    Here we have the manger, in the living room. You’ll notice an angel, Mary, Jesus, Joseph and a shepherd. No wise men. Because they…


Are still in the East…aka, my bedroom. Because I’m that weird.

That’s all for now. I also made some reindeer-bunny hybrid cookies, but we’ll save those for later.

For those of you who were wondering…

Posted by Brandy – November 25, 2007

I had a lot of questions about my thankfulness for “hooker boots.” Here’s a little photo explanation.

These are hooker boots:

And this is me wearing said hooker boots:

Yes, I’m in the restroom at work. It was the only full-length mirror that was handy :)

Things you used to not know about me…

Posted by Brandy – October 30, 2007

And probably wish you still didn’t. (I know, I did an abbreviated list like this one before…but this time, you’ll get all the details. Try to contain yourself.)

So, I think it’s kind of cocky of me to suppose that you even want to know weird facts about me. A few of you will appreciate additional blackmail fodder (but, ha, I’m posting this on the interweb, so it’s no longer a secret!) A few of you already knew these things about me (hi Mom!) But hey, maybe you’ll laugh, maybe you’ll feel a bit better about yourself. That’s what I’m here for. Making others feel better about themselves since 1980.

So, without further ado, five things that will prove to you that I’m just as weird as I claim to be.

1. I only eat one food at a time. As in, I have to completely finish my fries before I move to my burger. Not only that, I hate for my food to touch. When I was a kid, I would put one food on my plate, eat it, rinse off my plate, and put the next one on. Even if it was a paper plate. My poor mother. She even had to buy frosted flakes, because when we had Trix, I would eat one color at a time. And if I discovered a yellow after I had moved on to the reds…well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

2. I once vomited in three countries, in a 24-hour period. I know, I know, if you’ve read my blog in the past, you already know this. But it’s an interesting story. One of my few claim to fames! I went to Ethiopia in March of this year. On my last evening, I had some kind of marinated fruit. Pineapples, strawberries, etc. Apparently, it was marinated in toilet water. Because that’s where I spent the next 48 hours. I was sick at my hotel, at the Addis Ababa airport (in three different bathrooms), sitting on a plane in Egypt, and in two different concourses in the London Heathrow Airport. And now, seven months later, I still can’t bring myself to eat pineapple.

3. I didn’t see the beach until I was 13-years-old. That may not sound too interesting, but I lived in Virginia…a mere three hours from the ocean. My family just wasn’t too interested in going. But we finally did, and a camping trip to boot. Can I tell you how miserable it is to have a blistering sunburn and sleep in a sandy sleeping bag? I thought I would die.

4. I started writing when I was in first grade. No, I didn’t learn how to write then, I wrote my first “book” then. What’s really funny is I still own all of the books I wrote. The first one was called “A Lot of Horses.” It was about a horse that had twelve baby horses at one time. Biology wasn’t my strong suit. Then I wrote a book about being a ballerina (my realism hadn’t kicked in). Then one about a fairy godmother (this one was rife with clothing descriptions, as I was in my Babysitters Club phase). And one about a ghost that appeared out of a lake (I won the Young Author’s award for this one–woo hoo!) The really funny thing–I also illustrated them. They were a.ma.zing!

5. I started babysitting when I was 12. I know that doesn’t sound interesting. But I have lots of interesting stories as a 12-year-old babysitter. Like babysitting for the kid who was born with his bladder on the outside of his body. And how I wore gloves (not latex, oh no, like mittens) every time I changed him because it FREAKED.ME.OUT! Or the time I couldn’t put a baby in his crib without him waking up, and I held him in one position for so long that my arm was completely dead by the time his parents came home.

Well, that’s it. If you read this far, congratulations! You win the satisfaction of knowing me even more intimately than you did before!

I’m a realist

Posted by Brandy – October 26, 2007

I’m a realist. Which some people may mistake as a pessimist. Is the glass half full, or half empty? I don’t know, but I’ll probably finish my drink before the waiter comes. You know, that kind of thing. I am definitely a worst case scenario kind of person–prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I think one reason I’m a realist is because I grew up hearing the term “don’t get your hopes up.” I know that may sound negative, but I had a person in my life who constantly let me down. So those who loved me tried to shield me from constant hurt, by teaching me that things don’t always work on like we want them. Good things happen, but so do bad.

When life gives me lemons, I try to make lemonade–sour lemonade sometime, but still lemonade. But let’s be honest. I’ll never be this good: