What does it feel like to truly surrender? To give up pride and fear and step out in search of a higher call in hopes of finding satisfaction in service, even if it means walking on shaky worldly grounds. Looking at myself in the mirror each morning, I feel like there’s something inside of me screaming to be released. Talents, passions, and ideas that are kept under lock and key until I find a more appropriate time to release them, all because I’m worried I won’t be able to pay my rent or keep up with my student loan payments (freaking sallie mae).
Over the past month or so, I keep having conversations about work and the same thoughts keep running around in my head… I need something more. I don’t think it’s just restlessness though… I think I really need more in life than working a job I complain about a lot, even if it means giving up co-workers I really appreciate, or a city I love. That’s the thought I’m really struggling with right now – I love Chicago, and I have been blessed beyond words with friends in this city, but I know following this path may take me away from the friendships I’ve made.
When I was in Cleveland last week, I kept thinking how great it would be to move there. I could easily stay in the admission field, and reconnect with my friends in that area. I’d be closer to my folks and I’d be able to go to Indians games. Of course any time I’m at camp, I feel like I’m wasting away sitting in my office or driving around the suburbs Monday through Friday when I could be developing leadership skills and building up junior high kids in the middle of the woods on a ropes course somewhere.
The thought of moving back to Minnesota rattles around as well. There are some great opportunities to work in some type of outdoor education setting, and I’d be able to tie back into the friendships I started to cultivate in my short time there. Of course I would double the distance between myself and my family, which was possible when it was only for a year, but an indefinite move is a lot tougher.
But each time I think about other possibilities, my mind and my heart just come back here to Chicago. It is so hard for me to even think about leaving this city, and more importantly, the people that mean the most to me here. With my church, I feel like I’m in a position to offer my time and talents to something that is bigger than any person. With the addition of new staff and an ever-building strength, I feel like we as a church are being transformed, but I have no idea to what yet, and that excites me.
Within the church, there are so many people that have so quickly and easily accepted me and befriended me, my brokenness and everything. All of those weird quirks and annoyances – they’ve accepted them so easily, I’m left in awe – hoping their grace will rub off on me so I can do the same towards others. I’m joining with them in birthday celebrations and weddings and engagement parties, as well as in memorial services for loved ones I don’t even know, but still feel connected to because of the way we are intertwined. The community I have become engulfed by is beyond words, even with all of the drama that still manages to find its way into our conversations and interactions. Even Christian 20-somethings have drama, apparently.
They are the friends who allow me to escape and vent and confide in, even if they’ve heard it all before. They are the friends that have brought me in, even when they felt like their group was pushing the limits in size, and to them I am eternally grateful. But what if that is the sacrifice I am being called to make? To depend that God will bless me continuously… through times rich in friends, as well as the barren spells that make me question the path I take.
