After months of painstaking research, I have finally proven my hypothesis that the overwhelming majority of cyclists in Chicago are indeed smug, self-righteous, Lance Armstrong wannabes that give no heed to traffic laws. In fact, when approaching a four-way stop, this population, mostly made up of Old Town and Lincoln Park residents, believes that motorists should completely give way to their $8000 piece of aerodynamic metal designed for traveling through the Alps.

Now, this does fly in the face of my belief that most cyclists are good people who are looking for a cheap, healthy form of daily transportation, which I still hypothesize is the case outside of the Windy City. In fact, I happily endorse the two-wheeled-wonder and encourage all to regularly hop on their pedal-hog when possible. The problem comes when the type of rider most commonly found in northside neighborhoods of Chicago is added to the seemingly harmless bicycle. Like mixing ammonia and bleach, a toxic gas is created, suffocating and annoying any within earshot.

Diagram 1.1

While more research needs to be done on this ground-breaking development, I think the evidence is clear that entitled cyclists in Chicago should probably be tranquilized and shipped to Gary.

Work has been crazy busy the past couple of weeks, so blog posting has taken a back seat to data analyzing and conversations with big words. The level of organization speak here is mind boggling. It takes me a few seconds to break down a phrase or term, and by the time I mentally rejoin the conversation, I’m a little late. Thankfully there are slower days with somewhat mindless tasks that I can take care of while letting my brain recuperate and prepare for the next big project.

The brief hiatus of brain strain also allows my thoughts to wander. As such, here’s a quick snapshot into what’s bouncing around…

The Chicago Polish Consulate moved into my office building and now there are people with Polish accents everywhere. Sometimes they speak to me in Polish with a very confused and lost tone to their voice. I feel bad and point them toward the consulate office, but who knows what they’re really looking for? Maybe they just want to know where the bathroom is? Maybe I should learn Polish. I had a really good grilled Polish sausage the other day. It had spicy brown mustard on it. Spicy brown mustard is my second favorite mustard after Cleveland Stadium Mustard. I’m going to be in Cleveland in August for Rachel’s wedding! Sarah is coming with me too! I wonder if we should drive or fly. My Jeep has a lot of miles and eats a lot of gas and has no air conditioning. I need to get the AC fixed. I need money to do that.

My office hallway smells like fried chicken right now. My grandma used to make really good fried chicken. I miss my grandma. She turned 80 on June 4th. I wonder if I will make it to 80… probably not if I keep eating fried chicken.

Sarah is a great girl and I’m lucky she puts up with me. I know a lot of people named Sarah. I guess the odds were in my favor that one of them would work out. Sarah is one of the few products of that waste of space state up north that seems to be somewhat tolerable. Bell’s is another. The rest of the list could fit on a small post-it. Chicago’s beer distributing dictatorship no longer distributes Bell’s in Chicago so I have to depend on Sarah’s mom to bring me Bell’s when she visits. Sarah’s mom and dad are on the list.

I still really want a dog.

Honestly, how did it take a company this long to tap into this product name potential? It’s really good stuff, and this is from a guy that doesn’t really like tea that much.

There’s a huge crane on a job site near my office. I’m guessing it’s probably about 15 stories high. After seeing recent news stories about cranes collapsing and wrecking balls careening down city streets, I’m a bit nervous. I think it’s being used to build a parking ramp. A parking ramp, really? That would be boring. Probably not cheap, either. Jerks.

That’s about it right now. Stay tuned for more random, useless, lame excuses for blog posts.