Getting out of the city for a long weekend is always a welcome treat, especially after the winter we just had. I don’t know if I can remember a winter that has lasted so long or has been so consistently cold and I’d prefer it if the city could make sure it doesn’t happen again. I figure I’m paying enough in taxes and parking tickets, the least the city could do is give me a few days above the 30 degree mark.

Anyway, it was pretty great spending the weekend with Sarah and some great friends in West Virginia. Watching my friend Corey get married was something I never expected in my lifetime, but leave it to him to defy my expectations. It was a great morning ceremony with a brunch reception, and honestly, does it get better than pancakes at a wedding reception?

I think not.

Coming back to the city was a dose of reality. The warm weather brought with it a wave of gun violence. Already this year too many Chicago Public School students have been gunned down – some targeted, some random. Growing up in southeast Ohio, gun violence is a rarity and when it does happen, the entire region is in shock. Here in Chicago, you quickly become desensitized to it until numbers start popping up in the paper like, “24 CPS students killed so far this year,” or, “36 shootings, 9 killed.” By then the weight of the situation is overwhelming.

The answer, I fear, is much more complicated than the gun legislation being called for by the mayor. The guns being used to commit these acts are not legal in Chicago, but regardless, the question needs to be asked – why are folks seeking these guns out to commit these acts? What is it the convinces kids in our schools that academic success is not a viable option?

Since joining the staff and collective effort of Teach For America, I’ve heard some very valid weaknesses of our two-year program that brings talented college graduates into our nation’s most under-resourced classrooms. I can understand the worry among traditional career teachers, but I have to ask – what else are they doing? Are they moving into a severely under-resourced district with a tradition of weak student test scores and applying for a job? If they are taking those steps, are they walking into their classrooms expecting their students to perform as high, if not higher, than their suburban counterparts?

That’s what our corps members are doing. They walk into classrooms full of students with low test scores with a sense of possibility and the energy needed to walk in step with their students. It’s what I see in my friends that teach here in the city, and principals and superintendents need to have the power to weed out the teachers that fall short.

Education is certainly not the only key to turning around this resurgence in violence, but it surely is a good start. We have to start fighting the overwhelming helplessness and cynicism that pollutes our conversations and efforts to turn the tide. Now if we could just find more leaders in our districts and schools that are willing to demand every decision be made with the best interest of students in mind… now that would be revolutionary.

You ever come across one of those random websites that you realize you need to share with everyone you know so they can all join in on the joke?

Oh, you don’t? You think that’s weird? Wait, you think I’m weird? Well forget you, then.

No really, come back. You need to see this. It’s hilarious. Yes, funnier than the last thing on the internet I ‘had to share.’

I promise. You will laugh. You see, about 10 years ago… hey, where are you going? Get back here!

Yes, I’ll make it quick.

Anyway, I came to a weird realization. Garfield comics… are not really funny. At all. In fact, they’re somewhat depressing.

I don’t care if Odie makes you laugh.

Yes, but, what would happen if every character was removed from the strip except for Jon Arbuckle?

No! You would end up with this!

Seriously… Garfield… without Garfield!

I think this is my favorite.

Nope… I spoke too quickly. This is my favorite:

I can too have two favorites!

Or three!

Who doesn’t love weird humor on the internet?!

I wonder if Stuff White People Like did a post about Garfield Minus Garfield, would the internet just collapse at the sheer awesomeness?

For the past week, I’ve been repeatedly accused of being deceived. I’m being won over by slick words and pretty speeches, rather than solid policy proposals. It’s interesting and somewhat perplexing to listen to television pundits, editorial writers, and even people I know tell me I am lacking the ability to think independently.

And apparently it’s not only me. Millions of young people are being told they don’t understand politics. We’re the “Facebook” crowd, as Hillary Clinton’s chief strategist called us, “only a few of [us] look like [we] could vote in any state.”

Of course, we see how that worked out in Iowa. Catching pretty much everyone not paying attention to Obama off-guard, the young vote that’s been sought after for the past few elections finally showed up. The same vote that could have spared this country 8 years of G.W., the same vote that was pretty much sworn off, made it to the Iowa caucuses and turned some heads.

I think what cracks me up more than anything is that one of the first points I hear in the argument accusing me of being deceived is that all Obama does is go out and make pretty speeches. He’s naive and his supports are too. We don’t understand the complexities of world affairs and the best approach to handle issues like terrorism or the global economy, and Obama glosses over these items in his well-spoken speeches.

While I can’t deny that Obama’s speeches are light on content and heavy on inspiration, I’m stuck wondering who among the major candidates of either party are giving us in depth views on specific policy ideas they would enact. When, ever, have the primaries been the time to be heavy on content? The answer is never! The purpose of the primaries is to simply energize your base and convince voters that you understand the issues that need to be addressed as president and that you are ready to take them on. If you highlight enough issues that strike a chord with voters, pretty soon you see your delegate count rise as people say to themselves, “wow, this candidate understands what I’m struggling with and is ready to take them on.”

And is it really that bad of an approach? Why is it a problem when a candidate seeks to inspire people? If any candidate took time to lay down policy after policy after policy, they’d quickly find themselves at the bottom of the polls and without an invitation to televised debates. The majority of the American electorate does not want to have to digest anything. Why do you think Ron Paul is quickly becoming the Libertarian version of Nader? (insert Tracy Jordan line from “30 Rock”… “I think I voted for Nader… NADER!”)

Believe it or not, Obama and his team have pulled together ideas and policies to approach some of the biggest issues our government faces. The struggle I keep finding is that the people accusing me of being deceived don’t want to have an actual discussion. They want to be the cool people that make fun of the bandwagon-jumpers, but don’t want to hear that someone of us made our decision with clear, educated, rational thought.

So, anyway, that being said, I am effectively suspending my campaign for president and officially endorsing Barack Obama.

Well folks, here it is. The introspective, reflective, cliché sap-fest of a list of lessons learned over the past year. It might be interesting to look at previous versions of this list to see if I’m still learning the same lessons over multiple years, but that would most likely be slightly depressing. That being said, I’ll pretend this is the first such list and deny any part in the creation of previous similar writings.

A serious relationship with a great girl who luckily doesn’t take me too seriously, my brother officially graduating from my alma mater, and a complete change in careers after almost two years at DePaul were probably the big three developments of 2007. While my brother’s graduation was expected, the other two were surprises to even me. Who knew a friendly dinner with a girl could turn into… well… something much bigger? I know she reads this blog and is going to tell me I’m a sappy nerd after reading this, but she’ll get over it. I’ve never been the quickest when it comes to reading signs of interest from the opposite sex, which I suppose could explain my struggles in sending appropriate signs as well. Sarah was no different. Our stories differ quite a bit, but suffice it to say, somewhere around early February I had a couple dates with the girl and realized she was interesting and laughed at my jokes. I was hooked.

Somewhere in the first half of 2007, I realized that my personal life wasn’t the only part of me that needed to stretch and grow. A conversation with the VP of my department at DePaul, where I was basically told the main reason I accepted the job and moved to Chicago was not really something he considered part of the long-term plan, had me casually glancing at the idealist.org job list. Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in an interview process and accepting an offer to head back into the non-profit world. The first few months had me questioning my decision to leave the friendly confines of a role I understood to find myself overwhelmed and underqualified. Somehow things have worked out and the moments of feeling overwhelmed come less frequently, but I can say that the move was a smart one. I do miss my admissions family and the always-entertaining conversations with high schoolers, but there’s a lot of growth and potential that are keeping me on track in my current role.

As for my brother, well, it’s pretty cool to watch a younger sibling walk across the same stage I did four years earlier. There were a few new faces, but it was great to catch up with faculty and staff and feel confident that my brother’s education was in good hands. I still didn’t know the words to the alma mater, but to see the whole day in a new light and spend it with my family was a welcome trip back to the Hill. Now in his first year of teaching, it’s going to be great watching him develop and adjust to adulthood.

Other lessons from 2007:

• If Jud tells me something is potent… say, his egg nog… I will listen to the guy and cap myself somewhere around the 2-3 cups range;
• Also – if Jud is bbqing, I’m there;
• One more about Jud – the guy is a safe bet when crazy things happen, like car windows falling into the door frame;
• Managing a rec league team takes up way too much time and causes a lot of stress;
• Adjusting plans to see Over the Rhine’s Christmas concert is always a good idea;
• Speaking of concerts – when your favorite band is doing a farewell tour, it’s OK to put out of a few extra bucks to see them from decent seats… even if they appear emotionally drained;
• One more about concerts – taking the chance that Ryan Adams is going to have a good show is worth it;
• Driving a couple of hours out of my way to play golf with my dad and brother is never a bad idea;
• Never turn down a free ticket to a baseball game;
• When a car starts making any noises that aren’t normal, get it looked at sooner rather than later;
• Always appreciate someone who buys Bell’s for you;
• Michigan has a few redeeming qualities;
• People come and go, so make sure to enjoy having them around while you can;
• Bickering and complaining doesn’t accomplish much;
• My church family is full of surprises and apparently knows how to put on a good potluck;
• Watching so many friends take on adulthood is… kind of cool… and makes me think I might have a shot… someday;
• <sap alert> Roadtrips are a lot cooler with a girl who falls asleep on your shoulder</sap alert>;
• If you have the chance to take a long weekend and get out of the city, do it;
• Leaving the city reminds you how much you miss stars;
• The American Girl store is a creepy, creepy place;
• When friends are in Chicago, make time for them;
• Always appreciate people who contribute greatly to your life and make sure they know it while you can;
• and… some people in Chicago take kickball way too seriously.

That’s it for 2007… I’m guessing 2008 will have some pretty great highlights. Here’s hoping I can remember some of these lessons over the next year.

For two weeks, I’ve been mulling over what would be a good topic for this blog. How in the world do I follow up the last post about Kathy? It actually made me think of a Kathy story for some reason.

In the fall of my junior year, I had the first part of my Methods of Teaching class with Kathy. We met in a neat room in the basement of the library around two long tables that were pushed together. It just seemed like a fun set-up and our group of about 15 students all seemed to know each other. The class was early on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, meeting for at least two hours.

One Tuesday morning on a beautiful fall day, our class discussion was interrupted by someone’s pager going off (I know, who has a pager that’s not working in a hospital, right?). He turned it off, only to get paged again. And again. Finally, Kathy told him he should probably check and see what was happening. He returned seconds later, telling us that something crazy was happening in New York. A plane had crashed into the World Trade Center and the news was reporting we were under attack.

Then there was just a long, awkward silence. You could tell Kathy’s mind was racing. It was the only time I had seen Kathy with an ounce of uncertainty. She took a few moments to collect her thoughts and tried to keep our class on track, but I think she knew she had lost us. She led us into the media room in the library where the student workers and staff members had the same look on their face that most had that day. By then, the second tower and the Pentagon had been hit and the CNN anchors were showing the same uncertainty we saw in Kathy moments earlier. Part of me is definitely comforted by the fact that one of the most vivid memories I will keep for the rest of my life involves Kathy Feather.

So yeah, that’s my follow-up to a pretty serious post… another… pretty serious post. I really just need to break the ice so I can get back to random, rambling posts.

Ummm…. here. Watch this.
(Jake – it’s especially for you!)

I think this is a small piece of just getting my thoughts out in written form, so take it for what it is worth.

In the fall of my senior year in high school, I convinced my parents to take a ride up to Hiram College, one of the DoC schools that had been on my radar since I found out I would get a $3,000 grant every year because I grew up in a DoC church. I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Bethany College, another DoC school, had presented heavily at a DoC camp I attended every summer, and was looking like the pretty obvious choice. Staying in Ohio, though, meant I could major in education and not worry about transferring my teaching credentials from a different state, so Hiram stayed on the list.

Visiting Hiram for the first time was an unforgettable experience. It all ran by so quickly and I walked off campus knowing it was where I would spend the next four years of my life. There are so many people I cherish from those four years… so many faculty and staff members I can name who I could never thank enough. Many are still there, impacting the lives of students daily. I know Liz is still developing amazing leaders out of scared first year RA’s, and Dottie is making students across campus feel welcome with her smile (and most likely trying to set a few up them up on dates), and Professor Koritansky is most likely lecturing about the founding fathers, without notes, for what seems like an eternity.

But it was someone very special, someone that I met on that very first visit, that Hiram lost yesterday. When my tourguide found out I was interested in education, she took me to the Jessie Smith House, an old beautiful home on the southwest corner of campus that housed the Education Department. In a warm and cluttered office on the 1st floor, I was introduced to Kathy Feather, the Education Department chair at the time.

At the time, I had no clue how busy Kathy’s schedule was and how lucky I was to get a couple of minutes from her to chat about why I was considering Hiram and what subject I was thinking about teaching. She lit up when I mentioned high school and of course made me feel like the most sought-after student she had ever met. What was crazy about Kathy was that genuine warmth and the investment she made in me that day didn’t stop once I signed all of my papers and sold my financial soul to Sallie Mae.

There was no way for me to know that day, but Kathy ended up being one of the most important people in my four years at Hiram. Thanks to her work with secondary education students, I ended up having one of her classes pretty much every year and had a chance to sit down with her twice a year for advising. Towards the end of the fall semester of my freshman year when we filed into the gym to register for our spring classes (that’s right, we did it old school), I was set with my list of classes to sign up for first and a handful of backups. When I was met with filled class after filled class and was pretty sure my academic life was over, it was Kathy who calmed me down, helped me plan out a new list of classes I could take that would keep me on track, and encouraged me to move quickly as professors were packing up.

Kathy was so loved by the Hiram community. I remember catching word of her struggles with cancer and instantly knew she would be surrounded by her colleagues. She had stepped into the dean role a couple of years ago, which was great for the student body as a whole, but a loss for education students. The cancer struck quickly and mercilessly. Kathy fought, with the support of her family, still sneaking into work when she could. I didn’t want the update on her condition to contain the news it did yesterday. I sat at my work computer, hoping it was a misunderstanding… typical Hiram rumor mill that spilled into e-mails being forwarded by alumni. I even held out hope until official word came from Hiram today. The cancer was too much and Kathy passed away Monday morning.

The first thing that pops into my mind when I think of Kathy was the spring morning of my junior year when she came to observe me in my Methods of Teaching cooperative classroom. I had a room full of 11th graders, bored to tears by the rigid straight-from-the-text instruction their teacher provided, and I was somehow doing an even poorer job. Kathy asked me to ride back with her so we could chat, and I knew in my gut that this was not going to be a pat on the back and an ‘atta boy conversation.

In the 20 minute ride back to campus, I spilled my guts to her. I had convinced myself in 10th grade that I wanted to be a high school history teacher and until about eight weeks into my Methods class, I still thought that was the case. Something had changed, though, and classroom teaching was not how I pictured myself any longer, but what was I to do? I was in the spring of my junior year in college! I couldn’t change at that point. Grant and scholarship money would run out after my senior year and there was no way I would be able to afford a fifth year at Hiram. She had such an understanding way of listening – the way she arched her eyebrows with concern and nodded slowly as I told her why I had to stick with it.

Then, after she let me ramble on for another 20 minutes in her still warm and cluttered office, she laid it on me. She didn’t see me as a teacher either. She built me up first, of course, but she didn’t spend much time beating around the bush. Kathy Feather, chair of the Education Department, told me I was not destined to teach. Instead, she helped me shape an image of what my future might hold. An education major didn’t mean a lifetime of teaching, but rather a ticket to opportunities I had not thought of. Kathy rattled off by memory what several of her former students were doing outside of the classroom. They were working in non-profits and on college campuses throughout the country, perfectly happy with their job and making great efforts to still work with students.

I was nervous about sharing my change of heart with my parents, but it was Kathy who gave me the direction and support I needed to go through with it. We met a few more times in the following weeks to discuss where I would head after Hiram, often squeezing in conversations during dinner or between classes, but I can truly say, I have no idea what I would be doing if Kathy Feather didn’t take a genuine interest in me.  A little over a year later, on a sunny day in May, I hugged Kathy and introduced her to my parents.  “This is the professor that told me I shouldn’t teach,” I told my mom (the 3rd grade teacher).  We smiled and laughed and Kathy told me I better do something great with my life since she pushed me away from the classroom.  I would have loved to have called her in twenty years and let her know how it all worked out.

There are more stories to be told about Kathy and there are seeds she has planted over the past 25 years that will be growing for years to come.  I hope her legacy is carried by all of us.  I certainly have much to be thankful for as I celebrate Kathy’s life, and I’m sure I’m not alone.

I’m thinking about starting a couple new hobbies.  I know, exciting, right?

What’s your new hobby, Dave?

Good question!  No, I’m not going to start knitting… or crocheting… or quilting… more like lame-ing, lamer-ing, and lamest-ing.

I’m thinking of things that are much, much closer to me.  Beer and BBQ.

My friend Jud has some of the skills I envy the most.  He can take a nice pork shoulder and some basic ingredients and turn it into a mouth-watering basket of awesomeness.  He makes his own sauce.  He makes his own marinade.  He works a Weber grill with the skill of a surgeon.  He is… the greatest BBQ genius to ever wield tongs and an apron.

Jud, though, wants to break my heart and move to Boston… or his wife wants him to… or something like that.  What does that mean?  That Jud won’t be around to make me BBQ forever.  I need to learn.  Teach a man how to eat fish, or something like that.

What do I need?

• Weber grill of the 22.5″ variety
• A nice hinged grate to allow fresh coals to be dumped into grill
• A charcoal starter
• Friends willing to try my BBQ

Once I acquire the top 3 items from that list, I will assume the role of Jud’s BBQ padawan, beg him to teach me his ways, and most likely burn myself and create really crappy food.

The other potential hobby of the moment is homebrewing.  I like beer.  I like being at home.  It’s a win-win.  Apparently, homebrewing isn’t that hard if you don’t mind beer that tastes horrible.  In fact, I could probably try to make that tonight if I can find some hops.

But no, the rules of the universe say that if you want to make good beer, you have to invest in the right tools and ingredients, which once again means an initial investment I should probably save up for.

Or I could just go blow a paycheck on these two hobbies and live off of burnt BBQ and bad beer until next payday.

Stay tuned!  Bets will be taken on how many stomach-pumping trips to the ER I cause in the first few months of my new hobbies.  I believe the over/under is +10.

It’s about this time every year that I get full use of the ability to roll my eyes that I perfected between the ages of 13 and yesterday. Much to the delight of my mom, no scenario was immune to the eye-rolling… birthday morning wake up calls, church gossip conversations at family events, conversations about the lack of girlfriend in my life… Needless to say, there were/are many opportunities to practice the perfect sarcastic non-verbal response championed by teenagers everywhere, and the next month just happens to be the height of eye roll opportunities.

Usually about a week or two after major retailers begin displaying their pumpkins and ghoulish costumes for the Halloween holiday, a sinister mid-level corporate manager sends memos written in puppy blood on tusks of endangered elephants and walruses to store managers throughout the country to begin slowly clearing an entire aisle in the back of the store in anticipation of a shipment that will be arriving in a week. That shipment? A harmless set of towels emblazoned with a smiling snowman and a few boxes of clear decoration lights.

Then comes day two… a box full of snow globes depicting harmless “winter scenes” and whimsical children against a backdrop of the city skyline. A few older church-lady-esque shoppers are seen visibly shaking their heads as they walk by the mostly empty aisle with distinct shades of red and green backing the empty shelves.

It’s day three that really sets the world into a tizzy, though. Day three is when the heavens open up and reindeer, Santa, penguins, and all the Christmas schwag that had been collecting dust in warehouses for the past four months descends upon local Targets, Walgreens, WalMarts, Menards, Bass Pro Shops, PetSmarts, and Victoria’s Secrets. Someone hastily e-mails Bill O’Reilly to let him know of this calculating and sinister plot that has been unveiled in the middle of their trip to find a five gallon drum of mayonnaise and a pair of super-husky pants for their six year old at their local WalMart, and soon the media machine that is Fox News declares the war on Christmas has entered a new year and that God is angry.

It’s a liberal plot to roll Christmas and Thanksgiving into one big holiday with none of the religious thought! It’s the next step in destroying all Christian holiday observances! This is opening the US to a Hitler/Stalin/insert horrible dictator here!

Really, Bill? If big box retailers are creating such an atrocity by allowing customers to purchase Christmas decorations and Christmas-themed candy before Thanksgiving, why not pull your book from their shelves, cutting off their ability to make a profit on your words of wisdom and insight?

And Bill, if you thought about Christmas as much as a big box retail chain, perhaps it is your heart that would grow and your faith that would find new depth.

But it’s more than just Bill… it’s every day normal Christians that buy into just enough of the corporate Christmas, but become disgusted when others buy into it just a little bit more. They write letters to the editor of local newspapers decrying the row of plastic evergreens that are now available at your local Home Depot, never mentioning the fact that they bought their husband’s Christmas present in May when they found it on sale.

It’s a good thing there’s nothing else in the news to report and that the biggest and most important talking point is the evil, watered-down, crafted by Satan himself message of “Happy Holidays.”

Meanwhile, the message of Christmas… the hope and joy and redemption found in a Savior… is lost amongst petty squabbling by “christians” more worried by the way the city square depicts a menorah next to the manger than their own belief and observance of the day itself.

When you allow others (read: big box retailers looking for the highest profit possible and public officials putting together holiday displays to make everyone feel welcome) to shape your belief in and observance of Christmas, you have much larger issues than the jack-o-lantern/turkey/snowman display at your local Target.

Besides, if this means we get to enjoy Great Lakes Winter Ale a little earlier, is there really any harm?

So, Pastor Daniel spoke on Sunday on the topic of suffering and the wisdom within the Bible pertaining to the earthly pains we are faced with.  It was a great message and can be found on iTunes if you’re interested.  What struck me a couple of times though is how peaceful my life has been over the past several months.  I had to keep asking myself, is this how I should feel though?  Should I be happy that I’m happy and just ignore it?

I mean, I’ve got a great girl.  She’s been such a steady part of my life since February and has become a rock of trust and comfort.

My job stresses me out at times, but I believe in what I am doing and I feel both supported and challenged by my boss.  I know that she believes in my abilities, but she also wants to see me grow and develop within the organization.

But why… why in the world… why in the world are people supporting Hillary Clinton?  I just don’t get it.  She’s been torn apart in every debate by Barack, she’s shown in polls done by left-leaning organizations that she’s unelectable, and she’s got a laugh similar to a hyena using a jack-hammer.  HMOs?  Thanks Hillary.  She polarizes people in her own party, let alone the country.  The time is perfect for an idealistic, young, strong leader, and Mrs. Clinton just doesn’t fit the bill.

Why?  Why do I have to suffer through another primary candidate that shows so much promise, but somehow isn’t established enough?  In the grand scheme of things though, I keep getting gut checked by Pastor D’s message.

But why?  She’s too polished and her handlers are too aggressive to let her pull a Howard Dean and trip in the homestretch.  Can someone who supports Hillary honesty stand up and give me 5 reasons why she should be president?  I can go back and forth all day about Barack, but I see no valid support of Hillary or her platform.  Does she have a platform?

Anyway, I like mint ice cream.  It’s my favorite.

Breaking news… Mother Teresa’s life was tough.  Tough enough that she struggled, at times, to feel the presence of the very God she was serving.  Surrounded by death and an endless amount of pain, Mother Teresa acknowledged that she struggled in her faith.

She didn’t brazenly stand in front of her order and flash a fake smile and use false words and slick catch phrases to convince the world that she was somehow closer to God than anyone else.  She didn’t build a megachurch, promising her followers that if they just had faith, God would bless them with abundant worldly riches.  She didn’t stand in the church and pray at the top of her lungs to make sure all would know how devout she was.  Instead, she lived a life of faith through actions, professing the love and Good News of Christ to the poorest of the poor through her servanthood.  And she struggled.

I get upset when I open my dryer and find my clothes still somewhat damp.  I slam the door and huff and puff and storm up the stairs, frustrated that my freshly washed clothes would have to wait for another 30 minutes as I run the dryer again.  My cycle is thrown off!

And yet, I have no comparison to the struggles Mother Teresa went through.  When my shower runs low on hot water in the morning, I feel like the day is ruined.  Mother Teresa was providing hands-on care to thousands on the brink of death and felt like God had abandoned her.  But if you continue to read her letters, she identifies that very feeling with the feeling of Christ on the cross, and by extension the rejected of our society.  Yes, Mother Teresa felt like she was moving through the deepest of valleys at time, but it was in those valleys that she was reaffirmed and strengthened to take on the very task she had committed her life to.

When non-believers see these letters and begin to see the humility and brokenness that God called Mother Teresa to, I can only hope that they see a clearer picture of the Truth of Christ and what He has called us to do… to do justice, to love kindness, and walk humbly with God.

To the false believers… the believers who stand behind a pulpit of greed, corruption, and vanity, I can only hope that their pride would be broken.

And to myself, that I can be broken just the same… that I can somehow realize the humility expressed in Teresa’s letters.  That I could somehow realize the closeness that Teresa shared with God through her pain.