the dreaming tree

last night i saw girl talk in little rock. it was incredible. within 20 minutes i was completely aloof from my own mind, which was absolutely terrific. there was just music and dancing. i was freed of all my usual constraints of self-awareness and quite explicitly thought that i felt like a different person. i got to go up on the stage with about 40 or 50 other people (maybe more, who knows?) and that’s where i danced for the entire two or so hours, with people all around, awash in movement and beats. hands-waving, fists-pumping, feet-stomping, legs-marching, hair-twirling… i haven’t sweated that much since playing ultimate frisbee last summer in 104 degrees, which was awesome. (yes, awesome) i kind of wish i had gone out into the main crowd a little so i could experience the show from that angle, but i’m pretty sure it would be basically the same: exhilarating.

you see, i was minding my own business, sitting in my car, browsing through my ipod and preparing to leave the parking lot of a bar

when a girl walked to my window and asked if i had a phone, and could she call someone to get her, because her friend (this guy), was acting weird and she didn’t want to be with him, etc.

so i said, ok, here’s my phone.

and she talked to someone; meanwhile, he became agitated

and came up and yelled a little, then went off

then he parked his truck behind me

she asked, hey, can i sit with you while i wait for someone to get me?

i said, yes

so she was sitting there and i was trying to get her to tell me what kind of music she liked so we could listen to something fun on the ipod

but she was like, no, no, just listen to whatever you want, i don’t care

i persisted and she said carrie underwood

whatever

then the guy came back and opened the door and started yelling at her, and then was like, hey man, what are you doing?

what are you doing?

and then he shoved a gun into my face (a silver .38 automatic)

and shouted, hey, what are you doing?

blah blah blah (anger anger anger) (gun-waving) (gun pointed at head)

and then i was holding my ipod and he said, give me that phone, and i hesitated and almost said, but this isn’t a phone, but he grabbed it from me, so i couldn’t

then he saw my phone sitting there and grabbed that

he asked if i had anything else, and i said, here’s my wallet

and that’s all i have

(but that was a lie because i had a bass and my violin, too)

anyway, it took him a minute to be convinced that that was all i had, then he took my driver’s license, saying, if you try anything, i know where you live

i thought that was amusing

then he demanded the girl get out and come with him, so she did, and silently begged me to call someone, but i had to say, i can’t, he took my phone

away he sped

so i went into the bar and called 911 (except i accidentally dialed the 1 three times)

i’ve been thinking recently that i never use this thing anymore. but that doesn’t mean i’ve stopped thinking about stuff. in fact, that’s the problem. i never feel like i’m fully informed or have completed forming my thoughts enough to put them out for people to read. and usually once i actually do hit publish, i want to go back immediately and revise. a lot of times i think and think about a subject until i find a party willing, or sometimes unwilling, to go through a discussion with me, and then it all comes pouring out. but i’ve been doing that in real life, more than i have in print. but i like to write, and i kind of miss doing that.

recently the big topic of discussion in my head has been politics. i’ve been reading lots of blogs and websites, and i have ideas about stuff, but i like to share those in a setting where i know i’ll get feedback, which (hopefully) further refines my ideas and opinions. (i do have an online forum for that process…it’s called the rumor forum.) but now i’ve been thinking that i’d like to post a little more to this blog. even if i have to go back and revise my ideas later. so i guess the point of this post was nothing at all, other than, perhaps i will post more in the future. haha, that’s lame.

i’m going to try to summarize the conversation i had with just the essentials.

background: i work in a call center for familylife ministries, which has a radio show. so i receive calls from listeners. our program today had parents talking about dealing with the loss a child and how to cope with that…

guy: [with a middle eastern accent] hello, i’m new to this country. is your number an 800 toll-free line?

me: [thinking: didn't you just dial the 800?] yes, it is.

guy: ok, well, i heard your program about people dying, and i want to learn about my grandfather. he was in new york, but i can’t find any documentation about him. he was an upstanding man.

me: … well…ok…

guy: so i’m trying to find out about that.

me: well, good luck with that, sir. but i don’t think i can help you with that.

guy: what about galahad?

[he really did switch to that abrubtly]

me: what? galahad? i’m not sure what you’re talking about.

guy: yeah, sir galahad from the round table. wasn’t he supposed to be like jesus?

me: …

guy: can you explain that to me?

me: yeah, well, he’s a christ figure in some ways, i guess…maybe…

guy: what about arthur? what’s his story?

me: well…um…he’s a legend…

guy: is he real?

me: well, he’s more of a myth at this point in history, but there may have been someone similar to him at some point, historians can’t be sure because there’s so much legend surrounding the story…[and i go on about what i know about the arthurian legend for a few minutes; he periodically interjects more questions]…so, does that make sense?

guy: yes, that makes sense. do i have to give you my name?

me: um, no…

guy: [proceeds to give me his name, which i can't remember] thank you, goodbye.

i really don’t have the capacity to write much now, but i wanted to be sure to put a sentence or two that i could come back to later. this is my last night in fayetteville as a college student. i’m done. i’m leaving here 100% done with my degree. i’m also leaving behind some of my most memorable college experiences, the majority of which have happened within the last year and a half. i want to cry and laugh at the same time. i’m excited about where i’ll meet these people again. i’m planning to meet up with one of my closest fayetteville friends in argentina a few months from now. hopefully i’ll see a couple of the others along the way. and the adventure will be grand. but as for now, this moment is enveloping me.

for those that might still read this and don’t already know, i had my senior composition recital last friday. it wasn’t spectacular, but it happened, and i’m glad it’s over with. although, at the same time, i really wish i had a little more time to make it significantly better. particularly one piece, which i conducted. it was for a small ensemble, and we were only able to rehearse one time…the day of the concert. so that was a little shaky, although it seemed to be ok, because people said they liked it. but they could have loved it. in any case, it was a good experience, only know i’m starved for more like it. but unless i go to graduate school, i likely won’t have too many chances to have my work performed. except for the choir piece, which the choral director told me i could probably get published with just a few adjustments (mainly to make it easier to sing, and thus more effective). so that’s a little exciting, though i don’t really know how to go about that. but anyway, there’s a short, superficial update.

tonight a dream comes true. tonight i get to see joshua bell play. for those that don’t know, he’s one of the top violinists in the world today. in my opinion, the best. i’ve been hoping to see him since i first heard him on his recording of the nicholas maw violin concerto during my freshman year. i’ve been waiting to see him since last year when i learned that he would be playing with the arkansas symphony. it’s going to be amazing. he’s playing the mendelssohn e minor concerto, which is fabulous. and i’m really hoping i get to meet him after, cause he usually hangs out in the lobby to meet people after he plays (so i’ve heard). i really want to get my photograph taken with him. this is about as fan boy as i get. i’ll probably swoon. and it’s going to be so great.

we are the music-makers,
and we are the dreamers of dreams,
wandering by lone sea-breakers,
and sitting by desolate streams;
world-losers, and world-forsakers,
on whom the pale moon gleams:
yet we are the movers and shakers
of the world for ever, it seems.

-arthur o’shaughnessy

i never said it would be easy,
but i never thought it’d be so hard,
cause day after day
i’m still here wonderin’ why
things change and hearts break.

i never liked to take chances,
but i’d wish upon a star;
even in the moon’s shadow,
my dreams make me believe
in something more.

c’mon baby, now, let’s dance
and wish upon a star:
we want dreams worth living,
and a love everlasting

so let’s go for a drive,
far away to another place,
where all i’ve ever wanted to say
is wide awake in your eyes.

and this is the line that is ringing in my ears:

27 years of nothing but failures and promises that I couldn’t keep

that’s from a ryan adams song, if you don’t know (“let it ride”). i’ve been waiting till i turned 27 so i could use it for another fun-filled blog post. pretty sad, i know, but if you know me at all, then you know that i am sad. i don’t want to write another depressive post about how i’m a failure and my life is worthless, but i’m struggling to come up with something more traditionally fitting to the occasion of my birth. maybe later. maybe never.