the dreaming tree

so here i am. mostly writing for my own benefit, i suppose. my life is a tangled mess right now. and as i search for a way out, all i ever seem to do is plunge into a deeper hole. why should i continue at this? the answer is never the same and never convincing. as i am now, i’m worthless to anyone. i have no motivation to even try anymore. and although i’m told i have potential (in who knows what), i can’t find it. i can’t subscribe to it. i can’t even pin down what it is i want. i’m just like a bubble being tossed by the breath of someone else’s air. there is no point to where i’m going, i’m just floating there. i have trouble acting normal because i don’t know what normal is for me anymore. i feel numbness. nothing really bothers me except the lack of me. i can’t define my life. what does that mean? i think i’m no one. and by that i mean that my personality fluxes with each passing current, with every different person or group that i come into contact with. i try to adjust my self to be whatever the group lacks. in a group with one, or several, center-of-attention people, i become a fringe-dweller. i don’t say much; rather i take in everything that happens. but i feel like i’m observing from outside, not as if i am part of the group. however, in the case of an assemblage of a few people, none of which are willing to grab the center of attention, i will. i do this at concerts with my band. i talk to the crowd, try and make them laugh, and often succeed. but before and after the show, i’m often relegated, by my mind, to the fringe again. why does this happen? why can’t i choose one, or maybe a combination, instead of being polar opposites? this puzzles and disturbs me.

i feel rebellious, but against what? i want to smash something. but then i stop and think of the consequences and decide that wouldn’t be such a good idea. that’s not being rebellious. that’s being tied to the rules. i’m not sure why i want to smash something, or even what i would smash if i were to do it, but the urge exists and each time is contained. which is most definitely fortunate. i don’t want to do anything rash that i would later regret. because i would regret it. especially if there was no meaning behind it. which brings me back to where i began. what is my purpose? i know that my singular purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. but i don’t know how. that is to say i don’t know what specific purpose he has deigned for my particular existence. where will i end up? and can i, should i, break my mold? i hope the answers come soon…come quickly.

ahhh…spring break. the time you’re supposed to relax, or go on road trips or just sleep all day. well…not this time! i’ve got so much work to do i can hardly fathom it. this is basically gonna be like a regular school week except i won’t be in class. meanwhile april is down at the beach with jess and stephanie living it up. she (and they) do deserve it though and i’m happy for them. it will do her wonders, i think. anyway, i don’t like the beach all that much anyway. i mean, i almost always end up sunburned and have sand stuck to my body everywhere. hot, sticky…and i’m not even playing baseball…or doing other, uh, stuff. *cough* anyway, it’ll be a good week to catch up and focus without having additional stuff added everyday in class. and now, this worthless post is over. good night.

so we’re at war. kinda of a weird feeling. i don’t know what to feel, actually. i mean, during the gulf war, i was aware that something was happening, but c’mon, i was only ten years old. i didn’t understand. now i do (kind of). i at least have a grasp of what is happening, if not why. and in all this, i trust president bush and, more than him, God. thankfully, God is sovereign and has precisely the right man in office. it’s very comforting to know that God has complete control of the situation and the eventual outcome and that nothing that happens is apart from him. in essence, i accept the fact that we’re going to war because it is the very last alternative. i just pray for a quick end with few casualties. and also for the new regime being set-up. i don’t want to see the u.s. try to take over control of iraq. rather, i’d like for us to maintain diplomatic contact and withdraw our military presence, leaving maybe some, and merely help iraq to gain a foothold. i’m not suggesting abandoning them, i just hope we don’t try to force our influence into the region (it may be too late for that). americans can be rather cocky. yeah, well, basically i want to see iraq become its own new iraq and not u.s. “colony.” in any case, pray that this war is over quickly and for president bush as he leads.

hey…i changed my provider for the comment stuff, so all you guys that posted here…they are no more…but don’t worry. i remember what each of you said and appreciate you. that sounded a little cheesy, huh? anyway, comment some more!

well, the server to .net is down, so i’ll take this opportunity to write a little. i’ve noticed recently how much i like to learn new things. however, for some reason, i do not take advantage of my time at college to absorb as much as i can. it’s a paradox, really. when i actually go and work on things, or write or whatever, i (generally) enjoy myself and have a very satisfied feeling afterwards. yet i continue to lounge in laziness…why is this? i can’t explain it. i only know that i need to make an adjustment. yeah, i’ll bet this is really interesting to read, so i’ll quit.

well, i’d really like to start posting more to this thing. so much has happened in my life since the last post, when was that?…ahh, november 23. and that was a worthless poem anyway.

i am so blessed by the online community known as [cc.net]. somehow i have grown as close to people on that board as i have to most of my “real-life” friends. it’s so great. most of the people that might actually read this already know, so i’ll just leave it there. and if you don’t, i highly suggest comin over and hanging out. it’ll change your life…or at least give you a better reason to procrastinate. argh. i had a thought and i forgot. oh well.

music is amazing. i feel i’m fortunate because i have the opportunity to study music at university and my appreciation has only grown. i listen to things that i never would have listened to before i came to ouachita…my musical knowledge has expanded exponentially. i’m not sure what this knowledge is gonna help me accomplish in the future, but it’s will always be there. and i can only continue to learn more and be more amazed at what composers are able to do. “classical” music (we really need a new term for that, cause to us musician-types, classical means a certain era in music…now, i’ll continue after revealing my geekness) is able to do so many things. and somehow composers still have the ability to produce things that make me gasp, or smile or get extremely excited. i hope i get to write a piece someday that will make somebody fall in love with music. so many times in band as we play through a work, i just have to stop and smile in amazement at what the people in that room are doing. it sends chills up my spine and goosebumps down my arm. i love it. there are so many moods, so many colors, so many possibilities. and choir music…oh my freakin gosh. i just put in a john rutter cd (for those of you who don’t know, he’s a pretty famous choral composer and is AMAZING)…the guy is incredible. how is it that sounds like this are produced? it’s like magic. there are so many things that could go wrong, or done wrong, but when it’s pieced together properly and masterfully…well, the result is tremendous. anyway, i can ramble about music for days. i love it. i love it. and i love it. thank God for such a gift.