the dreaming tree

some words i jobbled (yeah, a weird typo…but i’m leaving it) down…

save me from myself
make me who i am
reclaim my hollow heart
for my soul drinks from
a silent fountain,
and i stare in awe
at the shell
of a whitewashed tomb
and know that it is
me.

this post could bring tears to my eyes by the time i finish. but of course, you guys can’t really tell…so i can hide behind this computer monitor for now. well, speaking of hiding (this isn’t how i planned this to go, but this works), derek webb spoke some words that smacked my temples and wouldn’t stop until i heeded them. he has written a new song called “i repent,” basically an indictment against Christian thought these days. he says that many Christians try to consume themselves with sinning less…when we all must be seeking to repent more. and what we hide behind is a veil of righteousness. i have spent the better part of my life dealing with this. for the years that i have been aware of motives of this degree, one of my primary concerns has been how my church brethren see me. i’ve always been looking around, trying to do the right thing, hoping to impress and convince that i am a great Christian guy. maybe not a leader, but just someone who is recognized as a “good boy.” so i attended all the youth group events; i came to bible studies; i played guitar and violin in church…basically i gave off a perception that i loved the church and served her with my whole heart. but what were my real motives? i was playing a game.

my entire life has been based on pleasing people. even though i don’t usually succeed, that is my mindset. i don’t always go outta my way to accomplish this, but nearly every action requires me to consider that. an example, which may seem to be extreme, but this is a very very extreme matter. suicide. i’ve considered taking my life a couple of times. like not just your average “i wonder…” no, i really considered it. one of the top reasons that i did not follow through (other than being a chicken) was because i was so very afraid of disappointing my parents and other “close ones.” i’m not sure what this means…but there ya go. speaking of dying. if i was to die tonight…i really don’t know if i would go to heaven. i’m not convinced that i’m a Christian, or that i have ever been one. i mean, i understand all the doctrine, i have an opinion on what is “right.” i even study it to some degree. but i have never LIVED it. never. i fall everytime. EVERYtime. obviously works is not what God is after…but as james says, faith without works is dead. the only reason i haven’t behaved like a “heathen” is because of my concern for playing church. when i get the desire to rebel and go get drunk, or have sex or whatever…the thing that holds me back is how my image will be altered. and then after that, i’m concerned about eventual regret. i guess this is somewhat good since i’ve never done anything (that sounds legalistic). but i don’t feel like i hold myself back because of Christ, but rather because the morals that i was taught as a child say no. is this because of Christ? maybe. but i think probably not. i never have a true desire to read my bible. or to pray. but when a church-sponsored activity rears its head, i’m all over it. this is turning into a very obscene post. obscene because i am writing down thoughts that pull within me and say “no, you can’t do this…people will think you’re bullshit.” too late. i’m plunging. maybe this will allow be to finally grasp God’s open hand. because i really have a desire to find him, it just won’t find me. i want to rest in Him…i want this peace that others speak so highly of. i need it. please.

so last night i went to dallas to see derek webb. it was amazing. his wife, sandra mccracken, was unexpectedly (to me) there, too. and she played along with him and also played two of her own songs. he also had with him kenny meeks, who helped produce his record and played on it. he played a few songs before derek, and the guy had a really cool sound. nice voice. great guitar player. but yeah, derek’s set was incredible. and even better was him talking. i mean, i definitely enjoyed the songs…but i absolutely love hearing an artist’s point of view, especially from someone like derek, who i am close to 100% sure holds nothing back. he preaches what he believes…it isn’t an act. andi just really really respect him. as he says, the truth is never sexy. but he refuses to back down from preaching the true Gospel. some of his words last night were really things that i needed to hear…i wish i had had a tape recorder, even if just for his little talks. i’m at a tough spot right now. there aren’t any churches here in arkadelphia that satisfy my needs. at least, i haven’t found it yet. because of this, and my weak flesh, i have fallen away from church to the point that it almost seems strange to go to church when i’m at home. not quite, but almost. but i love my home church. i’m looking forward to the summer when i can go every week and feel like i’m being fed. so, yeah…that was a strange transisition…sorry if i lost you. maybe i’ll discuss this later with some better planned thoughts. until then…

i love the smell of rain…and the sound is even better. what else is better than chillin in a tent, listening to the patter of rain? not much. i don’t know what else is as relaxing, what else is as uninhibiting, what else is as freeing. i can just sit in my tent, and let my mind wonder across endless plains of imagination. lying there, i suddenly realize i’m pitching a shutout in game seven of the world series…and then i’m in another world, surrounded by these incredible trees reaching to the sky…climbing…soaring through the air like a hawk in the wilderness. and some of the most beautiful scenery i’ve ever seen floats beneath me. i never want to leave. what if i could be a raindrop? that would be the ultimate adventure…who knows where you’ll land? i might float down a stream, into a fishes mouth…or land on a leaf and shimmer as i roll down. ahhh…how relaxing. now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to take a shower.

even though she told me to say this, mic! is amazing…she really is. she’s a really fun person to talk to, plus she freakin’ goes to school in scotland. how cool is that? so, if you have never heard of her, please, for the love of your well-being, go visit her site and talk to her. you won’t regret it. and neither will i. there’s a link over on the left. now that i have that out of the way…no, just kidding…she really is puddle-wonderful.

to shift gears a bit…i’m afraid i’m in a bit of a hole, too. seems like many people i know have been stuck in a rut recently, and it is very frustrating to not be able to do anything. especially when i’m falling down in the dark, too. so how do we help each other? what do you say when you don’t feel like offering advice, giving comfort, or you want to be the one crying, and not the one who’s shoulder is being cried upon. i love being able to discuss with friends about intimate issues…i hate being so far away the best i can do is talk to them on the phone. the really funny thing is that many of my closest friends right now are people i’ve never “met.” that’s right…i’m an internet junkie, with internet friends. but take it from someone who knows…this state of affairs is thirty times better than what i had in high school…nothing. although i can get very depressed about my state of affairs, i find great amounts of solace in this online community that i call family. it gives me something to smile about at the end of the day, even when my “real” life seems to be crashing down around me. thanks you guys. now if i can only figure out a way to drop everything here, with as few negative ramifications as possible, and move to argentina, everything will be ok. peace to you all.

Phillip Yancey wrote:

“In many respects I would find an unresurrected Jesus easier to accept. Easter makes him dangerous. Becaue of Easter I have to listen to his extravagant claims and can no longer pick and choose from his sayings. Moreover, Easter means he must be loose out there somewhere. Like the disciples, I never know where Jesus might turn up, how he might speak to me, what he might ask of me. As Frederick Buechner says, Easter means ‘we can never nail him down, not even if the nails we use are real and the thing we nail him to is a cross.’”

i stole that from a post by trapper mark over at .net, who had stolen it from someone at dwebb.com, who stole it…nevermind. i think this is such a great commentary on the human mind. it is so difficult to commit yourself to God…and so easy to make him fit a mold. this easter, i pray that i can find solace only in him and put my faith in no other for salvation. oh God, you are my tourniquet. stop the bleeding…

here are some more words…just scribbled down in one of my notebooks…

i had it all, your love was so good
but i tossed everything aside
and while you kept trying
i held on tight
to nothing

and when i finally came around
you had let go, not waiting anymore
and i know it sounds strange
but here’s a love song
from the guy who broke your heart

i don’t know where to go from here

i said i loved you
as your eyes gazed into mine
and i felt the vibe between us
would always be the same
i stand before you this time
nervous and broken down
my words are comin out all wrong
this doesn’t even rhyme
i can’t tell you what i’m feelin
for fear you’ll look away
and as i stare
i try to hear you say
“i love you, too”

…

oh, and here’s a poem that i wrote down a while back…well, actually it’s just a bunch of words strung together in an unfinished way…or something

here i am again
at this lonely bus station
waiting to be rescued,
hoping for a lifeline
to drive me far away
(will i take it this time?)
far from this sadness
full of tranquility
and silence
to a place not so drab and dreer
where i’ll be in love
with the sound of sounds
i’ve never heard
awash in colors that will
redefine my senses

…

for those that don’t know, i’m in a band; we’re called mayor dave and the shorter ones. i joined the group in october 2002, so we’re still getting our sealegs at shows and stuff. but we have already recorded a 5-song EP…that was a blast. it’s so cool to hear something that you helped create. anyway, i’ve been thinking about bands and playing music for a long time. this is my first time to be in an actual band, though i have desired to be in one since i was around 12 or 13. i never tried to force the issue, though. i never went out recruiting guys to come play with me or anything. i’ve always had the attitude that God would send me the right situation in his perfect timing. and this is that situation. i couldn’t ask for a nicer group of guys to play music with. it’s the most fun i’ve ever had, but i still want to work hard at it and perfect and fine-tune our sound. music is one of the few things that i actually enjoy putting some serious hard work into. in fact, sometimes at practice, i forget what i’m doing and become a little too serious about the whole thing. kinda like a professional athelete…i’m doing what i’ve always dreamed of. and the cool thing is i can put forth hardwork and have fun at the same time. now, i said all that to say what will be said in the next paragraph…

my roommate used to be in a band. it used to consume his life. everything he did revolved around the band. sure, he was in school, but he really didn’t care at all. the only thing that mattered to him was booking more and more shows, refining his style and hoping to make it big. he was in this band (originally altar ego, then changed to five star future) throughout my sophmore and junior years. and i was jealous. as i mentioned above, being in a band was all i ever wanted. i didn’t even care that i really wouldn’t fit into their style (punk). just let me play. in the two years they were together, altarego/fsf underwent three line-up changes. yeah. that’s a lot. the two that remained constant were the lead-singer (my roomie) and the drummer. i really can’t explain their lack of cohesion. the two constant members really wanted the band to work out…really wanted to devote their lives to creating music. but sadly, the other members who passed through the band never had complete dedication. it has now been seven and a half months since my roommate has played a show. he’s been depressed. i can’t blame him. his dreams have basically folded out from under him. for the past two years, he found all of his self-worth under the auspices of his band. and now that it’s gone, most likely forever, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. last night he warned me about getting too caught up in mayor dave, devoting too much time and energy to something that may not work out like my dreams dictate. he’s totally right. and, to my surprise, i am guarding myself against building up hopes of a rockstar career. i always said prior to mayor dave that if i only got to play one show as a band, i would be happy. and i truly think that i would be fine if mayor dave never played another show. not that i wouldn’t miss it…i would. i love it. but i haven’t attached myself so strongly to it that i’ll be dragged down if we aren’t re-elected (ok, there’s my lame-o attempt at humor). i already have more than i could have imagined…an album, several shows under my belt…however, i still expect to try my hardest. i’m not gonna just give-up if things aren’t looking up. i fully expect to devote myself as much as possible to furthering my band, just don’t expect my soul to be hanging on a limb trying to force things to work. if that is all confusing…i’m sorry i wasted ten minutes of your day. but if you can relate at all, i think you might see what i’m getting at–and it can be anything: photography, writing novels, dance…whatever. just remember that there is a specific reason for where you are right now. take full advantage of it and don’t sell yourself short, but also be prepared to pack up and move on if God desires. i think that’s enough for now.

for those of you that have a link to my site on yours…thank you! i’ve been roaming the blogs more and more and have noticed myself on some pages of people i’ve never even talked to! so let’s put an end to that. talk to me people! you can find contact info at the bottom on the left side. c’mon…please?

the other exciting thing on my mind right now is seeing carmina burana tomorrow afternoon. it is being performed by the arkansas symphony orchestra and choirs from colleges around the state of arkansas: ouachita baptist, henderson state, arkansas state, univ. of central arkansas and i think one other. anyway, i’m preparing to get my face rocked off.