this post could bring tears to my eyes by the time i finish. but of course, you guys can’t really tell…so i can hide behind this computer monitor for now. well, speaking of hiding (this isn’t how i planned this to go, but this works), derek webb spoke some words that smacked my temples and wouldn’t stop until i heeded them. he has written a new song called “i repent,” basically an indictment against Christian thought these days. he says that many Christians try to consume themselves with sinning less…when we all must be seeking to repent more. and what we hide behind is a veil of righteousness. i have spent the better part of my life dealing with this. for the years that i have been aware of motives of this degree, one of my primary concerns has been how my church brethren see me. i’ve always been looking around, trying to do the right thing, hoping to impress and convince that i am a great Christian guy. maybe not a leader, but just someone who is recognized as a “good boy.” so i attended all the youth group events; i came to bible studies; i played guitar and violin in church…basically i gave off a perception that i loved the church and served her with my whole heart. but what were my real motives? i was playing a game.

my entire life has been based on pleasing people. even though i don’t usually succeed, that is my mindset. i don’t always go outta my way to accomplish this, but nearly every action requires me to consider that. an example, which may seem to be extreme, but this is a very very extreme matter. suicide. i’ve considered taking my life a couple of times. like not just your average “i wonder…” no, i really considered it. one of the top reasons that i did not follow through (other than being a chicken) was because i was so very afraid of disappointing my parents and other “close ones.” i’m not sure what this means…but there ya go. speaking of dying. if i was to die tonight…i really don’t know if i would go to heaven. i’m not convinced that i’m a Christian, or that i have ever been one. i mean, i understand all the doctrine, i have an opinion on what is “right.” i even study it to some degree. but i have never LIVED it. never. i fall everytime. EVERYtime. obviously works is not what God is after…but as james says, faith without works is dead. the only reason i haven’t behaved like a “heathen” is because of my concern for playing church. when i get the desire to rebel and go get drunk, or have sex or whatever…the thing that holds me back is how my image will be altered. and then after that, i’m concerned about eventual regret. i guess this is somewhat good since i’ve never done anything (that sounds legalistic). but i don’t feel like i hold myself back because of Christ, but rather because the morals that i was taught as a child say no. is this because of Christ? maybe. but i think probably not. i never have a true desire to read my bible. or to pray. but when a church-sponsored activity rears its head, i’m all over it. this is turning into a very obscene post. obscene because i am writing down thoughts that pull within me and say “no, you can’t do this…people will think you’re bullshit.” too late. i’m plunging. maybe this will allow be to finally grasp God’s open hand. because i really have a desire to find him, it just won’t find me. i want to rest in Him…i want this peace that others speak so highly of. i need it. please.