the dreaming tree

well…i’ve been looking back at old entries, and i always seem to be so depressing. i’m sure most people don’t want to hear about someone else’s depressing life, but i can’t help it. i mean, did i start this journal to impress people, or send a message to certain people? the truth is…yes, i did. but recently, i’ve been realizing that it isn’t fair to myself, or anyone that reads this, whether i know them or not, to do anything other than write the truth…because it is all i know. rest assured, i have made up nothing on this site, but i have held back on occasion…or maybe given heavier significance to something because i was expecting a certain group of people to read it. fortunately, over the past few weeks, i’ve been able to truly present myself as i am, or at least how i perceive myself, to the best of my ability. i don’t care what ya’ll think. wait…that sounded pretty rude. by that i mean that my goal is to write as truthfully as i can, without bias towards who MIGHT read it…i’m not even concerned about what you will think of me. this is my life…read it if you will.

for those that don’t know, i’m in a rock band. the other night (aug. 25th to be exact), we got the chance to open for blessid union of souls (yeah, the “hey leonardo” guys). here’s how it went…

AMAZING. everything was totally amazing…except for blessid union of souls. but i’ll get to that in a minute. first off, i felt like a rockstar. there were roadies there moving our equipment and setting everything up. all we did was wait for our soundcheck. seriously, this was the real deal as far as sound goes…and it sounded AMAZING. also, the stage had a full lighting system (there was a lighting guy!). well, we retreated to taco bell after check and then changed clothes. (i know!) the stage had a full lighting system (there was a lighting guy!). we came on stage to the roar of lots of people. i mean lots. 1200 or so. the show went very, very, very well. i was sweating like a rockstar…or something. people were cheering (especially when we played [i]watchtower[/i] and [i]thunder rolls[/i]). so after we went off, obviously blessid was supposed to come on…well, these guys are jerks. they didn’t even come to hear us…they went back to the hotel and decided to wait there till 8:45 (originally supposed to go on at 9). they didn’t show up until like 9:15. anyway, there were some people into it…but mostly not. blessid played a LOT of covers…and WAAAAAY too long. for their “encore” (which we didn’t ask for), they played about 5 more songs. annnnd the lead singer is the gay-ist ever. seriously. so anyway, we didn’t even talk to them cause they ignored us…so that was cool. the funniest thing was, by the time they got done playing, there were like 100 people left. and when they went off this guy yelled, “play one more cover!” AAHHH…i about died laughing. and so, that was that. since then, we’ve had a LOT of people say we showed them up…so that’s pretty cool.

it’s all fake
this isn’t me
that you see
just someone i thought you’d like
do you know who i really am?
i cry because i’m alone
why even try?
i’m hidden behind a veil
too thin to hide the lie
a false image created
in who’s image?
if only it was real
and i could change the shell
of me

i’ve been thinking that i should take a break from the online community. not just cc.net, but IM and maybe even e-mail. i seem to be so consumed and dedicated to preserving whatever it is i have online, that i neglect real-life friendships and responsibilities. my soul longs to be loved, just as any human’s, and that may be why i spend so much time here. it’s almost impossible NOT to find a friend that you can talk to online. for one thing, i can be whoever i want. but to be honest, although a few times i’ve actually gone into an IMversation with the intention of behaving as non-david as possible. it always ends up lasting about three lines. i just can’t pretend like that. not even behind the mask of a screen. which makes things especially difficult in person. if i’m not feeling good, well, it’s very obvious. i’m terrible at hiding my feelings. as usual i digress…so i struggle with just how much time is appropriate to pour into the online community. because i do feel like i get something out of my discussions with online people…but at what cost? can i afford it? it would seem the answer is no.

i realized why i like the cc.net board community so much. why i “hang out” so often and for so long. it’s because i’ve never had a community that i was a part of. i wasn’t part of any group in high school, i’m not now…but this virtual world allows me the chance to be included in things. i’m not worried about my so-called friends having a party without me…or going to the movies without me. all i know is the people that respond to my posts. i’m still not a popular guy, or at the forefront…but i feel like i’m under less pressure to be…what the group wants. my real problem is that i don’t know where i fit in. i’m into so many things…i played baseball, but i’m a music major. don’t see that too often. i’m a decently smart person, but i’m not a brainiac. i just never seem to fit completely into one demographic. and so i hit walls very soon in a relationship. and i’m terrible at building relationships and also at small talk. because of that, i’m usually very quiet around unfamiliar people, which leads people to believe that i’m stuck-up, or boring or whatever. in any case, i don’t attract people. i don’t know anyone that has me at the top of their list of people to hang out with. i don’t know if i can ever be that person to someone, there’s so much wrong with me. am i expecting too much, or not giving enough? or maybe i’m meant to be a loner all my life. i just don’t know. sometimes i care, sometimes i don’t. (but i never like cocunut.)

how is it possible that i feel so let down, discouraged, disappointed (in myself), lonely, outraged and petrified?

i hope that mayor dave forever remains a cooperative force in making music. if we ever begin to spiral down a road of insecure accusations and begin to feel apprehensive towards one another in our song writing process…i will cry. we have such a wonderful system right now. as far as i know, no one feels left out of the process. everyone helps write. everyone is encouraged to write. in fact, our band is so encouraging to one another. especially the other three. i just love those guys so much. they are truly a blessing.

so i’ve been meaning to write some about my trip to texas for awhile. so that is what i’m going to do now. the car ride was the best part. it was michaela and i for the first four hours, then we picked up josh mahn. i just don’t remember the last time i had that much fun in a car. i felt like we had been making roadtrips together my whole life. i never felt awkward…i did feel stupid at times because of some jokes i made (gabriel…what?!). oh, but there was much laughing. random and provoked. real and sympathetic. anyway, i don’t know what else to write…i guess you had to be there…or something.

i got scared today at church. it wasn’t because of anything said or done, but because of what was running through my head. this morning was the first time ever that i was getting ansy waiting for church to be over…before it even started! i just don’t know. i seem to be so so lost lately in a mire of things beyond my control, yet i’m unwilling to concede control to God. it didn’t use to be this way. at least, i don’t think it was. perhaps i was merely hiding behind a cloak of things expected, or things assumed. these days, i hardly feel anything at all…and that really disturbs me.

i want one.

i want to be in love…any takers?

i’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. do i have what it takes? sometimes i really don’t have a clue. everything is so complicated and i’m not equipped to deal with it. i’m such a disappointment to so many that are close to me, but i fail even more when i try to reconcile things. it’s so frustrating to think about a life alone, but maybe i should start warming up to the idea. after all, if that’s the deck i’ve been handed, and i really have not much choice in the matter, i might as well learn to like it. i do want to have a positive life…do something “important,” whatever that means. the dreams of my youth seem to fade into no dreams at all. i don’t even know what i want to fantasize about half the time. other than being loved and pouring love on them by the truckload. i’m not exactly sad or depressed, i’m just barely indifferent. which must sound incredibly weird, but that’s how i am…coasting. trying to care, but unable to sustain it. trying to appease, but failing. can’t i just quit trying and rest in love?

sea monkeys are real people, too

…much love to katie from the .net…

where is my mind?

oh man…it is bloomin’ late. we just returned from minnesota. my dad drove the entire trip…in ONE day! i’m tired enough…good grief. anyway, we (the fam) were visiting my dad’s mom. (that would be my grandma for all of you playing at home.) the thing is, i’ve never been close to her at all, and so i always feel apprehensive going up there. maybe that isn’t a good word for it. the real thing is me having a bad attitude because i’m not getting what i think i need, or want. the truth is, i’m selfish. i want to be catered to at all times, and when i don’t feel that i’m being entertained, or that the talk isn’t up to my level (wherever that is), i retreat into my mind. and by doing so i become very obstinate towards the outside world, and very secluded. even though i’m sitting there, sometimes participating in the conversation, my mind is continents away, moving as fast as possible to stay two steps ahead of my boredom. i really wish i had something to talk to my grandma about, but i always feel like it’s a conversation filled with surface-layer small talk. and if you know me at all, you know that, 1) i suck at small talk, and 2) i hate small talk. it becomes so uninteresting so fast. and unfortunately, it’s what i’ve come to expect when i go up there. which is why i would rather not. someday, i hope i will mature past this point of selfishness. until then, i’ll bring my mind games to grandma’s house.