the dreaming tree

i realized why i like the cc.net board community so much. why i “hang out” so often and for so long. it’s because i’ve never had a community that i was a part of. i wasn’t part of any group in high school, i’m not now…but this virtual world allows me the chance to be included in things. i’m not worried about my so-called friends having a party without me…or going to the movies without me. all i know is the people that respond to my posts. i’m still not a popular guy, or at the forefront…but i feel like i’m under less pressure to be…what the group wants. my real problem is that i don’t know where i fit in. i’m into so many things…i played baseball, but i’m a music major. don’t see that too often. i’m a decently smart person, but i’m not a brainiac. i just never seem to fit completely into one demographic. and so i hit walls very soon in a relationship. and i’m terrible at building relationships and also at small talk. because of that, i’m usually very quiet around unfamiliar people, which leads people to believe that i’m stuck-up, or boring or whatever. in any case, i don’t attract people. i don’t know anyone that has me at the top of their list of people to hang out with. i don’t know if i can ever be that person to someone, there’s so much wrong with me. am i expecting too much, or not giving enough? or maybe i’m meant to be a loner all my life. i just don’t know. sometimes i care, sometimes i don’t. (but i never like cocunut.)