the dreaming tree

meeting people from the internet seems to have become a recent hobby of mine. since january of 2003, i have met approximately 20 people from the singularity known as the rumor forum at caedmonscall.net (know rocksmyfaceoff.net). that.is.insane. little more than a year and a half ago, i used the internet to check e-mail (which mostly consisted of occasional e-mails from one person and a lot of spam) and do some research (what?!) for papers and whatnot. ok, fine…i used napster, too. but i got attracted to this online community for a variety of reasons, first being the band caedmon’s call, in whose honor the board was formed, in the fall of 2002. it quickly escaltated to an obssession, to be honest. i was quite concerned with attaining some sort of acceptance into the fold, and i eventually wiggled my way in. i’m spending too much time on the pre-story, so i’ll jump ahead to what i really want to say.

i continue to be amazed at how integral a role a number of online persons play in my life. they pray for me, console me, challenge me, laugh with me…basically all the qualities found in any traditional friendship. traditional meaning sans internet. the only thing missing is seeing them on any kind of regular schedule. for some friendships, this isn’t a big deal…but then there are those precious few that just make my heart ache for an opportunity to see them, to experience them so much more often than is currently allowed. still, i know God knows what he is doing, and i’m trusting him for all things. i should be satisfied with the blessings God has bestowed on me in the form of these internet friendships, and i am. certainly it can be hard to have close friends so far away, sometimes so inaccessible it hurts…but it is God’s doing, i believe, and i expect his will to be accomplished. i’m content with that.

*typed from a writing at 5:15 this morning in sea-tac airport*

i’m sitting in the airport on the verge of tears. i always get sentimental at times like this, and i’m so terrible at saying goodbye. not goodbye, i’ll see ya soon, but goodbye, i don’t know when or even if we’ll meet again. when i left pittsburgh after a week at the summer youth institute, i had only known those people since i got there the week before. i developed strong ties in a short time from nothing…and i’m still missing their company. i last saw them in january 2001. but this morning is different. i’ve already cultivated relationships before an actual meeting, through the wonder we know as the al gore…i mean internet. and going in, i already knew a lot of what to expect. and so here i am, having to say goodbye to these dear friends and heading home to no such group. it has been such a rarity in my life to find any group of people where i am comfortable being myself. within a matter of minutes among these friends, i was able to release myself to roam as it may. it frustrates me that i am unable to accomplish this in real life, despite many attempts to do so. i honestly can’t think of many other times when i had so much fun as myself. perhaps it is because…actually, i really have no idea why. if we were to see each other more often, maybe it wouldn’t last in the same manner. i like to think it would.

the internet has provided a way for me to find like-minded individuals and get to know them at a pace different from non-keyboard interaction. i’m not sure what the ins and outs of those different dynamics are, and at this stage, i don’t need to know. i know it works. but it is so fascinating that i long to understand what is happening. i’m developing amazing friendships with people all over the country, people i may only have an opportunity to meet a few times in this life. it has a blessing which compounds itself everyday. and then again God amazes me. never would i have so many wonderful relationships on my own. and the tears begin again as i realize how God has provided what i need, in places i never would have thought to look. i am so unworthy of these things, these people in my life. yet he sees fit to give me roaring waterfalls of abundant blessing. why do i continue to run to my own devices? why can’t i simply marvel at the wonders He provides and be content there? Lord change my heart into clay in your hands and mold me into a being who honors, enjoys and glorifies you. thank you for the wonderful, wonderful times with morgan, sarah, julie, julie, andrew, jim (sir), jesse, cory, tyler, carley, hannah and laura.

and thanks to all ya’ll for making me feel welcome. it was awesome.

recently i’ve started to buy into some of the stuff that people have been telling me recently…that i’m funny, good to hang out with, cool, etc. i’m kinda going against my typical self-deprication and reveling in it, because i haven’t ever had the chance to make that impression on people. i just went to out to lunch with a husband/wife piano duo that will perform tonight at ouachita, along with some of the guys from phi mu alpha. and i found myself being pretty outgoing and producing a lot of laughs, which made me laugh and just feel joyful. i’ve not thought that highly of myself in the past and often doubted why anyone would spend time with me, and that has led to lots of lonliness…and generally speaking, i only have myself to blame for that. maybe i’m a late-bloomer or something, but it looks like i’m emerging from the shell i built around myself in junior high and high school. i’m feeling more and more confident that i might actually have something to offer to certain people and that is mighty nice. but there is always the temptation to feel secure in myself, when in fact i have nothing without Jesus. he wakes me from the depths of sin everyday, and everyday i realize how much more i need him. i want to find my niche and at the same time be identified by nothing other than Christ. i want people to see Jesus through me, in whatever capacity or position i may be in. i’m feeling more confident and carrying myself a little differently these past few weeks, and i want that to continue. it sure is more enjoyable than being a prune.

my dad completely doesn’t like sports. it’s so weird that i do as much as i do. this really doesn’t have a point, i just thought i’d note that. i’m sitting here at the computer (in the same room as the tv…my family only has one) and my dad sits down and starts flipping through channels…and every channel (we don’t have cable, either, so that’s only 7…) had sports except for pbs, which was some cooking show. he initially went past the cooking, but went back after he bypassed golf, hockey, basketball, baseball and figure skating. and then he left. he and i are so different it’s incredible. i’m sure a lot of ya’ll have similar experiences with your parents. sometimes it is strange to think that i came from them, in the biological and social sense. i’m waaaay more of a music freak than anyone else in my family, waaaay more about sports than anyone else and…i don’t know. just something to think about. how do these different interests evolve when there isn’t anything there to spur them on? a lot of who i am seems to be more related to genes (where’d they come from?) than circumstance at times. i guess i’m overlooking a lot of things we have in common…it’s just more interesting to investigate the differences, i guess.

welcome to my mind.

*another journal that i wrote down while in seattle*

it’s interesting to me how attached i can become to certain things or people. one is not necessarily better than the other. what is it that draws me left instead of right? what of these feelings are invention and what are true? i’m trying to decifer it, but clues seem to be few and far between. or is it that i’m not looking in the right places, if even at all? there are things i want to keep a grasp on, even when it takes all the energy i can muster, and even (especially?) when the other person is opposing me. opposing may be the wrong word. sometimes they merely don’t see what i see, or they want something else–and of course human nature is to attempt to hold on to what makes you comfortable, or at least struggle to maintain a portion of perceived needs.

do i really know what i need? that’s gotta be half the problem, if not more than half, most of the time. i think i know what i need. i decide that’s it, and then i proceed to mess it up. why? i have a nagging suspicion it’s because God was not queried and constantly returned to for an update, or at least confirmation, that i’m headed the right direction, taking the right steps, in the right order, and doing it for God, not me. that is the hardest thing for me to do–abandon my will and fully adopt his. i wish i could say i pray for that daily. instead i insist that my way is the right way, or at least that if i am doing God’s will, it is on my own terms, on my schedule. i continue to believe that i might have a better alternative. perhaps if i can just convince God that there is creedence in my actions, he’ll cooperate with me. i’m pretty sure he doesn’t need my input…he needs my output…for and to Him. i know that somewhere in my heart of hearts, i understand this. but there is a black cloud disturbing the reality, and its name is sin. i need redemption, and furthermore, i need to recognize that minute by minute, every day, as i weave a wicked web, i am called to repentence, and invited to a table of grace. amen.

*typed from a writing at 5:15 this morning in sea-tac airport*

i’m sitting in the airport on the verge of tears. i always get sentimental at times like this, and i’m so terrible at saying goodbye. not goodbye, i’ll see ya soon, but goodbye, i don’t know when or even if we’ll meet again. when i left pittsburgh after a week at the summer youth institute, i had only known those people since i got there the week before. i developed strong ties in a short time from nothing…and i’m still missing their company. i last saw them in january 2001. but this morning is different. i’ve already cultivated relationships before an actual meeting, through the wonder we know as the al gore…i mean internet. and going in, i already knew a lot of what to expect. and so here i am, having to say goodbye to these dear friends and heading home to no such group. it has been such a rarity in my life to find any group of people where i am comfortable being myself. within a matter of minutes among these friends, i was able to release myself to roam as it may. it frustrates me that i am unable to accomplish this in real life, despite many attempts to do so. i honestly can’t think of many other times when i had so much fun as myself. perhaps it is because…actually, i really have no idea why. if we were to see each other more often, maybe it wouldn’t last in the same manner. i like to think it would.

the internet has provided a way for me to find like-minded individuals and get to know them at a pace different from non-keyboard interaction. i’m not sure what the ins and outs of those different dynamics are, and at this stage, i don’t need to know. i know it works. but it is so fascinating that i long to understand what is happening. i’m developing amazing friendships with people all over the country, people i may only have an opportunity to meet a few times in this life. it has a blessing which compounds itself everyday. and then again God amazes me. never would i have so many wonderful relationships on my own. and the tears begin again as i realize how God has provided what i need, in places i never would have thought to look. i am so unworthy of these things, these people in my life. yet he sees fit to give me roaring waterfalls of abundant blessing. why do i continue to run to my own devices? why can’t i simply marvel at the wonders He provides and be content there? Lord change my heart into clay in your hands and mold me into a being who honors, enjoys and glorifies you. thank you for the wonderful, wonderful times with morgan, sarah, julie, julie, andrew, jim (sir), jesse, cory, tyler, carley, hannah and laura.

and thanks to all ya’ll for making me feel welcome. it was awesome.

i don’t have the time or inclination to type out a real post, but i wanted to make sure i wrote something while i was in the great state of washington. which, when you think about it, makes no real sense at all. it’s like saying, hey, i’m somewhere new, i think i’ll have lunch. anyway, aloha…wait…howdy….hmm…what do they say in washington? i don’t know…i’ll get back with ya on that one. peace.

i just wrote a piece for choir that, i hope, will rock people’s faces off at the composers’ symposium. yes…prepare to be moved. except that none of you will be there. that’s ok…i’ll be moved for you. the text is simply:

kyrie eleison
christe eleison
kyrie eleison

and i’m also working on a song with an e.e. cummings text:

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands.

i’m really excited, because in three days, i will be on a plane to seattle. it’s my spring break, and i’m actually doing something cool! the only time i haven’t gone straight home was two years ago when i had to stay on campus to play baseball. which wasn’t all bad…wait, it was all bad…we lost all the games. anyway, i will be in that area visiting some friends that i have met exclusively through the internet. it’s happening again! i’m travelling a great distance to meet and hang out with people that i essentially only know through words on a screen, and i have no qualms about it. if you had told me i’d be doing this, or that i’d even be involved this much in an online community, two years ago, i’d would’ve thought you to be a little bold, and a little out-of-line. but here i am, about as excited as i’ve ever been in my life. i’m fully confident that there will be no problems, and i’m completely anxious to be there. that’s all.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about love lost. i was once in love, i’m fairly certain. through a series of mistakes, from both sides, it didn’t work out as i had longed for it to; that is, in marriage. what i’ve been thinking about is why God let it happen that way. why did he allow me to believe that i was in love with a girl who would never become my wife? was it in his plan, or was i operating outside of his will? certainly i think that God has a plan for everything in a Christian’s life, but what role does he have in the mistakes we make? that’s a whole ‘nother post, i guess. i’m just at a loss regarding love. i was once greatly in love with the concept of love, particularly towards a spouse. i’m not sure what i think now. i’m not sure if i’ll ever be able to completely and blindly devote myself to someone, because the one time that i did, it turned out quite poorly. she doesn’t even believe she ever truly loved me, and that makes me question myself. i still believe that i did, and that i tried to devote myself to her as best i could. i know and understand that i will stumble and fail, that i did stumble and fall, but i sometimes wish i hadn’t put so much of my heart into one girl. i fear that part of heart might be gone forever. will i ever be able to completely trust someone with my love after this?

at times i am angry at God for not steering me away from what would harm me (twice!), and i just don’t know how to react or what i’m supposed to do in this leg of my journey through life (how incredibly clich�). and then i feel like an idiot, because what did Jesus endure for my sake? a whole lot more pain and anguish than i’ll ever encounter. but i still cling to a desire to hear directly from God (perhaps a phonecall?) regarding my future. to be honest, sometimes i’m not sure if i trust him fully. i think i do, but i still have so many doubts, so many fears. i just want to know where my love is, and i want to claim it.

i have pretty long hair now, and i don’t know much about long hair care. i can brush it, and that’s about all…ok, i shampoo and condition, too. anyway, i’m still learning how to make it do what i want, and the biggest annoyance is this little flip that occurs around my right ear. i can’t make it just fall straight, and it’s really buggin’ me. i’ve just gotta get that off my chest. if anyone has a solution, by all means tell me. i realize this is all very feminine…but i want my hair to look good just like anyone else…is that so wrong?

i’m sitting here in my lovely…i mean…manly dorm room listening to beethoven’s fifth symphony. i’ve forgotten how much orchestral music can move me. i haven’t played in a real orchestra since my senior year in high school when i was in a very good community orchestra. it was so wonderful, because we got to play so many staples of “classical” music, including beethoven’s fifth. i remember moments throughout that performance, and others, that would just cause me to nearly start crying in the midst of sawing away on my violin. the beauty, the genius, the intimate portrait of a man’s soul…i can’t even describe it right. music is just too deep for idle words.

back then i didn’t know jack about music, i guess i just had an intuition about it. now, after nearly 5 years of studying music, i know vastly more than i imagined there was to know, and there are still many, many things that i don’t know or understand completely. but it’s interesting how i’m still able to enjoy music. what i mean is, some people argue that learning too much about a subject, particularly music, it seems, causes a loss of enjoyment. not so for me, because i can choose to sit back and be absorbed with sound, ignoring any academic approach to hearing it, or i can attentively and actively study what’s happening in a piece. either way gives me great amounts of joy and the most superb feeling i know. i certainly love rock/folk/whatever, but there is something about the classical genre that moves me beyond those other styles. or maybe just in a different way.

the shear amount of thought and design that goes into a classical composition is ridiculous. how do i know? i’m a theory/composition major. that means i’m a composer of “fine art” music. (i also dabble a little in rock ‘n’ roll…) i just never fully realized how much hard work it took to complete a piece that was worth something. ya’ll just have no idea. recently i’ve been working on finishing a choir piece for ouachita’s annual composers’ symposium, in which student composers and faculty have the opportunity to showcase their work. the piece i’ve written really excites me and i can’t wait to hear it sung. it’s been so laborious, though, to get here, that sometimes i just want to give up, especially when i go listen to someone like eric whitacre. his music just seems so far above what i could possible accomplish. at the same time it discourages me and presses me to succeed. i have this dream that i’ll be in music history textbooks someday, but i’ve gotta finish some other stuff first.

my name is david, and i never post anymore. i don’t know, i just haven’t had the urge to write anything. i know there are a few people that are massively upset, and a million more that don’t care, so just hang on to yourself either way. in the meantime, maybe you can inspire me to write something. so, just tell me what you want to read about, and i’ll accomodate you.

i wake into a new dream,
and fall into complacency.
i believe things beyond me,
and turn around to find
an echo of my life.
and it doesn’t seem to mean a thing.

the silence that pervades me
perverts me.
it consumes me
and frightens my soul.
i cry out in anguish,
but i can’t run away
for fear of losing hope.

i want to be funny in this post, but i’ve got nothin. i’m not depressed or anything, either. i guess i could write about baseball, but that could get ugly. music…that’s all i ever talk about. i’m listening to it right now. corigliano: symphony no. 1. it moves my bones. this post sucks. but i’m in a good mood right now. saw the passion. liked it a lot. gotta see it again. time for class.