the dreaming tree

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about love lost. i was once in love, i’m fairly certain. through a series of mistakes, from both sides, it didn’t work out as i had longed for it to; that is, in marriage. what i’ve been thinking about is why God let it happen that way. why did he allow me to believe that i was in love with a girl who would never become my wife? was it in his plan, or was i operating outside of his will? certainly i think that God has a plan for everything in a Christian’s life, but what role does he have in the mistakes we make? that’s a whole ‘nother post, i guess. i’m just at a loss regarding love. i was once greatly in love with the concept of love, particularly towards a spouse. i’m not sure what i think now. i’m not sure if i’ll ever be able to completely and blindly devote myself to someone, because the one time that i did, it turned out quite poorly. she doesn’t even believe she ever truly loved me, and that makes me question myself. i still believe that i did, and that i tried to devote myself to her as best i could. i know and understand that i will stumble and fail, that i did stumble and fall, but i sometimes wish i hadn’t put so much of my heart into one girl. i fear that part of heart might be gone forever. will i ever be able to completely trust someone with my love after this?

at times i am angry at God for not steering me away from what would harm me (twice!), and i just don’t know how to react or what i’m supposed to do in this leg of my journey through life (how incredibly clich�). and then i feel like an idiot, because what did Jesus endure for my sake? a whole lot more pain and anguish than i’ll ever encounter. but i still cling to a desire to hear directly from God (perhaps a phonecall?) regarding my future. to be honest, sometimes i’m not sure if i trust him fully. i think i do, but i still have so many doubts, so many fears. i just want to know where my love is, and i want to claim it.