the dreaming tree

*another journal that i wrote down while in seattle*

it’s interesting to me how attached i can become to certain things or people. one is not necessarily better than the other. what is it that draws me left instead of right? what of these feelings are invention and what are true? i’m trying to decifer it, but clues seem to be few and far between. or is it that i’m not looking in the right places, if even at all? there are things i want to keep a grasp on, even when it takes all the energy i can muster, and even (especially?) when the other person is opposing me. opposing may be the wrong word. sometimes they merely don’t see what i see, or they want something else–and of course human nature is to attempt to hold on to what makes you comfortable, or at least struggle to maintain a portion of perceived needs.

do i really know what i need? that’s gotta be half the problem, if not more than half, most of the time. i think i know what i need. i decide that’s it, and then i proceed to mess it up. why? i have a nagging suspicion it’s because God was not queried and constantly returned to for an update, or at least confirmation, that i’m headed the right direction, taking the right steps, in the right order, and doing it for God, not me. that is the hardest thing for me to do–abandon my will and fully adopt his. i wish i could say i pray for that daily. instead i insist that my way is the right way, or at least that if i am doing God’s will, it is on my own terms, on my schedule. i continue to believe that i might have a better alternative. perhaps if i can just convince God that there is creedence in my actions, he’ll cooperate with me. i’m pretty sure he doesn’t need my input…he needs my output…for and to Him. i know that somewhere in my heart of hearts, i understand this. but there is a black cloud disturbing the reality, and its name is sin. i need redemption, and furthermore, i need to recognize that minute by minute, every day, as i weave a wicked web, i am called to repentence, and invited to a table of grace. amen.