i can’t remember the last time i was thinking this way
but you can’t see that in spite of all i’ve tried
and i wanted to be,
but just didn’t know how,
to understand you as any less than my best friend.
it could just be a notion
inside an empty smile,
full of heartache and a lost cause,
but take care when you set me down,
lest i take a fall and crack,
and spill a million pieces from within;
and someone will cry over spilt milk,
and that really doesn’t matter much at all.
i’m not sure why i let myself get carried away into fantasy realities with such a long shot of fruition. i become so confident that i’ve figured out what the future holds that i wash away the nagging voice and replace it with someone so sure of success that the slightest perceived setback produces devestation. where is God in all of this? that appears to be the source of trouble–the fact that i am asking that question at all. i convince myself that i am seeking God’s will, when the fact of the matter might just be that i instead wish to impose my will, or my interpretation of what i think i need, upon God’s skeleton outline of my life. istruggle with permitting his perfect will to, not just guide, but rule my life’s course. i deny that i do not adhere to that which God plans and i pretend, still, to revel in his grace. therefore what must i do? repent. i must fall to my knees and ask forgiveness for this sin, and seek guidance from Christ alone. when i venture out on my own, i will encounter nothing but my own destruction. it appears to be something i’m quite practiced and rehearsed at. will i never learn?
hey, if any of y’all have an extra 2 minutes, stop by this site: here and vote for my band, mayor dave and the shorter ones, in the competition. you have to register to vote, but it takes like five seconds. i’d really appreciate y’all supporting my band. if we make it big, we’ll mention you in the liner notes for sure.
guys…i am freakin tired. so, in case you were hoping for an update, here it is: all i’m doin is workin and sleepin…and of course playing frisbee every tuesday and thursday. being a rockstar without a working band is hard, sometimes. but i press on.
here i am…trying to be cool…
it was a fun show, the one in bryant, i just wish (desperately) that it wasn’t the last show the world will ever see of the original mayor dave lineup.
next post…something deep…
well, my much anticipated concert at the door in dallas is no longer alive. our lead singer forgot to ask off of work until two days ago…and guess what, they won’t give it to him. he works at a golf course as the assistant golf pro and there is a tournament this weekend. the thing that really sucks is that this concert was most likely gonna be the last one for mayor dave as we (i) know it. grady is moving in about a month to new orleans and so we will be an incomplete band. i just wanted one more great show before it was over, but now our last show goes down as a weak performance in front of about 20 non-excited people. *sigh*
i wrote a love song once,
but i can’t quite remember the key
or the melody.
maybe this is how it went
i just don’t know,
cause i thought i had it finished
but it evaporated from my mind
and left a blank sheet.
so i’ve gotta start over again,
expecting the same thing,
and avoiding the worst,
but i just don’t know if it’s possible
to write one after the original
half as good as that first
work of love.
she’s so beautiful,
that i’m afraid to look into her eyes,
for fear that i might not receive,
my true love staring back at me.
how does one go about getting into the shoe design business?
in secondary news, by truck overheated this morning during the route. fortunately, it was near the end of the run, so a) i didn’t have much more to do, b) i didn’t wake up my parents as early. it’s always a slightly uncomfortable feeling to be sitting in a truck with steam pouring out from under the hood and groaning sounds emerging from the duressed engine. everyone looks at you. it’s weird.
the wedding yesterday was beautiful. i enjoyed it greatly. the pastor did a sermon in which he related the five solas to marriage, and it was a good one. i wish i could get a copy of it, or have him do it at my wedding. speaking of my wedding…someday…someday…
i feel good today. i just got another temporary-type job delivering phone books. i stand to make about $700 on that, if i added it up right. in other news, i’m playing ultimate tonight!! i love that this sport has caught on the way it has. i only wish i were a few years younger so that i could be on a college team. oh well. i’m probably not good enough, anyway.
i think that God is teaching me humility a lot recently. a lesson that i really need to learn, along with patience. i realize that i’m asking for it if i pray for patience, but it is necessary in so many things that i’m dealing with right now.
the color blue has been evading me. i have been wanting to write an entry devoted to that color for some time now, but have been unable to do it to my satisfaction. but maybe if i start throwing in random things about blue in all my posts, thoughts will develop.
blue is a mysterious color to me, because it can mean so many things. many times it signifies coolness, however, blue flame is hotter than red/orange. people play or sing the blues, based around a blue scale. what does it mean that music is blue? to me it is wandering and wondering. it is soulful. blue is subdued. i don’t think that it wants credit for things like red does. black is overpowering many times, but blue…blue is your friend. i can confide in blue, because we share similar feelings many times. blue the color is relegated to a certain portion of the color spectrum, but in the personality spectrum, blue has it all.
i suck. seriously. i’ve let too many people down too many times and i’m just sick of myself. i wish i could restart my life. sure, i would still make mistakes, but i think i could certainly improve on lots of things. of course, i cannot do this. the only thing that i can do is try to turn it around now. it’ll be a long and arduous journey, but anything is better than me in my present state. i’m not suited to be close to anyone, how can i expect anyone to be close to me? i alienate person after person, it seems. sometimes i try to convince myself i don’t care what others think of me, but the absolute truth is that i hinge quite a lot on the opinions of my peers. i want to feel loved. am i willing to love? paul said that without love, all is for naught. i need the love of Christ, and yet i reject it daily. i try to generate my own salvation and forget what he has done and is doing in my life. i want my life to be meaningful. i know that i will not leave this earth until my life is complete, so that, in some ways, is comforting. it doesn’t remove my responsibility, though, and thus far, that has been lacking severely. i want to change. if anybody wants to pray for me, that’d be perfect. the only chance i have is Christ. otherwise i’m a loser.
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