the dreaming tree

so i’m just sitting here listening to a sermon. yeah, that’s right…a sermon. i’ve downloaded a ton, especially from an ruf minister from ole miss named les newsom. i love his messages. they are so insightful, so biblically-centered, so wonderful. and he doesn’t backdown from the issue he is pursuing. i’ve also downloaded ravi zacharias, r.c. sproul, john piper and my own pastor, tim reed. i’ve got probably at least 40, maybe 50, sermons. i really wish my truck was equipped with a cd player that would read a disc of mp3s, cause i could put all of them on there and listen to them while i’m driving for long periods of time. i might have to pull over and cry from time-to-time, but that’s ok. if you’re interested: ruf olemiss. now i’ve gotta stop typing so i can pay attention. oh, and if there are any sermons out there you feel i should download, by all means, let me know.

i’m sitting here in my lovely…i mean…manly apartment listening to mahler’s eighth symphony, the symphony of a thousand it’s called. it’s ridculously amazing and just huge and beautiful and glorious…i’ve forgotten how much “classical” music can move me. this is the first year since i was in high school that i have played in a real orchestra. back then i was in a very good community, youth orchestra. it was so wonderful, because we got to play so many staples of the repertoire, including beethoven’s fifth, overture to the marriage of figaro, sibelius’ second symphony…the list goes on. i remember moments throughout performances that would just cause me to nearly start crying in the midst of sawing away on my violin. the beauty, the genius, the intimate portrait of a man’s soul…i can’t even describe it right. music is just too deep for idle words.

this semester i am reunited with the orchestra after languishing in only wind ensembles for the past five years. sweet majesty am i glad. we’re currently working on haydn’s sixth symphony and mendelssohn’s violin concerto. that concert is on october 18 for anyone interested. then we start working on a bach choral work and…something else. it’s really very exciting. i definitely belong in an orchestra.

back in high school, i didn’t know jack about music, but i guess i had an intuition about it. i would listen to classical stuff here and there, but didn’t really know what i was listening to other than beauty. now, after 5 years of studying music, i know vastly more than i imagined there was to know, and there are still many, many things that i don’t know or understand completely. nowadays when i am listening to a piece, i often listen for specific things, like how the parts are interacting, try to follow the composer’s logic in going to where he goes…but it’s interesting how i’m still able to enjoy music. what i mean is, some people argue that learning too much about a subject (particularly music, it seems), causes a loss of enjoyment. not so for me, because i can choose to sit back and be absorbed with sound, ignoring any academic approach to hearing it, or i can attentively and actively study what’s happening in a piece. either way gives me great amounts of joy and the most superb feeling i know. i certainly love rock/folk/whatever, but there is something about the classical genre that moves me beyond those other styles. or maybe just in a different way. one that is closer to my soul.

the sheer amount of thought and design that goes into a classical composition is ridiculous. how do i know? i’m a theory/composition major. so not only do i write “fine art” music, i study how pieces are put together to better understand what is happening and to further develop my skills. i just never fully realized how much hard work it took to complete a piece that was worth something. ya’ll just have no idea. it’s torturing, really. a composer named john corigliano (who is still living) said this about the composing process: “i hate composing. i love having composed.” i’m much the same way. the process is so long and arduous cause i want everything to be just right; i can’t accept mediocrity. beethoven was much the same. it’s encouraging to read that there are accomplished composers who feel the same way.

last semester i wrote a choir piece for ouachita’s annual composers’ symposium, a showcase for student and faculty composers. the piece i wrote is one i’m proud of. it was such a labor to finish; i often just want to give up, especially when i go listen to someone like eric whitacre. his choral music just seems so far above what i could possible accomplish. while it does discourage me, at the same time i am pressed to succeed, to surpass, to achieve greatness. i have this dream that i’ll be in music history textbooks someday, but i’ve gotta finish some other stuff first.

i’m going to see ben folds! yes! i am! try and stop me! ok, don’t…but i’m excited…plus i get to see joan. happy times are comin’ my way this weekend. mos def. and that’s all i’ve got for this post. how creative.

i’m not even close to in the zone. i can’t get into school-mode. part of it is my surroundings; i don’t have my own space in this apartment. my computer is in the living room and i’m sharing a room with essentially two people, joel and his girlfriend. makes it hard to feel like i’m in school, and that makes it hard to actually get studying done. i’ve never been able to go out to a library or something to study. when i study, i want to be in my room, listening to my music…and left alone. this is particularly true for when i’m writing a paper. i just can’t do it when i’m surrounded by people. this all adds up to a very, very slow start to the semester, one which i may not be able to salvage satisfactorily. i’m thinking of dropping all but a couple of classes. perhaps i can gradually get myself back into a school-mode by next semester.

whoa dang. i just heard a track from the upcoming u2 album. whoa dang.

music just does something insane inside me. earlier i was traversing the roadways of fayetteville pumping pearl jam vs. out of my truck’s speakers at a very high volume. before i entered my vehicle, i was just a normal guy on his way to wal-mart. as soon as the opening beat of go hit, i went insane right along with eddie. i was shakin’ my head and screamin’ the words as loud as i could. i was slammin’ my foot on the floorboard, keepin’ time with jack. (i think it was jack on vs.) and of course, my fingers were pluckin’ invisible bass strings with my boy jeff ament. he throws down some killer riffs. i’m not forgettin’ stone and mike, but i didn’t want to turn this into a pearl jam tribute post. forget it…yeah, i was imaginin’ myself strummin’ next to those dudes, wailin’ on my wah pedal. the point is, i was born to rock. music courses through my veins like a weasel through cream. it’s so natural, so easy…so perfect.

it’s so easy to believe in myself at times like this. i’m riding a high from a terrific weekend and feeling pretty good about who i am and who i’ve impressed. this is very dangerous, because i am forgetting that, without God, i am nothing. i can try really hard and maybe convince a few people that i am worth something, but in fact i will eventually fall flat on my face, and in the meantime, even, will be miserable.

it’s so easy to thank God in the good times and blame him in the hard times. right now i am feeling wonderful. i’m feeling grateful. i’m feeling hopeful. the sad thing is that something trivial will rear its head next week and i will forget all this and begin crying out to God, “why have you forsaken me?” God has never and will never forsake me. how i forget this, i do not know. perhaps it is because i still want to control my own destiny. perhaps in my heart of hearts i have yet to relinquish full control to God Almighty. i need to reminded daily of who i am without Christ. everytime i consider that, i am driven back to the cross, seeking forgiveness for abadoning God.

gold bond.

wow.

1. Take your username (i used my IM) and replace each letter with the corresponding number (A=1, B=2, etc…).

caedmondave = 3-1-5-4-13-15-14-4-1-22-5

2. Add all of the numbers together.

87

3. Make a note of the first digit of this number, then add the digits of the number together.

15

4. Find the post of this last number in your Xanga.

friday, january 30, 2004

5. Take the digit you noted in step 3, and count that many words into the post.

worst

6. Use the resulting word in a Google Image Search, and select a picture from the first page.

that was some random fun…now here’s more…

Directions
Step 1: Open your MP3 player (like itunes or whatever).
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 20 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.

1. mass as shadows – thursday
2. dangerous game – three doors down
3. west point – jonatha brooke
4. strawberry fields forever – ben harper
5. the moon is down – further seems forever
6. rescue – eve 6
7. the nearness of you – norah jones
8. i will wade out – eric whitacre
9. two-part invention no. 13 Рb̩la fleck
10. symphony no. 3, marcia funebre – beethoven
11. the other side – david gray
12. last goodbye – jeff buckley
13. firesuite – doves
14. concerto in d, rondo – stravinsky
15. whole lotta love – led zeppelin
16. don’t panic – coldplay
17. she changes your mind – copeland
18. stopping by the woods on a snowy evening – ned rorem
19. crisis – creeper lagoon
20. i am a man of constant sorrow (instrumental) – john hartford

wasn’t that fun?

i miss my band.

we will play again.

last night i saw garden state (finally) and.it.was.amazing. zach braff is…yeah, i like him.

go hogs!

beat texas!

i’m gonna go down to the stadium around 7:30 and start waiting around to get in. according to the school paper, students with IDs will be admitted midway through the first quarter to sit in the upper deck. obviously this is for the morons like me that didn’t get student tickets before they sold out.

God’s love is so amazing and my comprehension is so finite. i want people to understand, but how can i spread it when i don’t understand it myself? i fail everyday at loving. i need love. i need to be reminded of Christ’s redeeming sacrifice for my sinful life everyday, because i forget everyday. i try to hide my sin. who can hide from God? i want to run away from here and be held by Him. i need God to renew my mind. thank God for his love, his love that sent his Son, his Son who died for me, because i could not live on my own.