the dreaming tree

i’m working on a new design that isn’t finished yet, but i was tired of the other one, so i’m going plain jane until i finish the new one. alright.

:sigh:

i can’t write right now, yet i am. i can’t cry right now, yet i am. i can’t think right now, but i’ve got a million thoughts colliding into one another. i can’t pray right now, i can only wail…but i’m surrounded by His love. it’s all i have.

joan broke up with me.

you’ll never believe it, but i got more cds. i think i need to retire from college so i’ll have time to listen to them all. you’ll all be satisfied to know that these were free (plus the inevitable shipping and handling)…

ryan adams - love is hell
pearl jam - riot act
my morning jacket - it still moves
bob dylan - time out of mind
bob dylan - blonde on blonde (jack black convicted me in high fidelity)
jay-z - the black album (yes…i did)

today in the milton class we discussed book vi of paradise lost. wait, is that supposed to be “paradise lost” since it’s a poem? someone correct me here. (i’m asking for it.) anyway, i’ve never been in such an interesting class. there are so many layers to peel away, i think we could sit there and discuss for days and i’d just begin to feel satisfied. it’s days like today when i am inspired to study. you heard me. unfortunately, ncaa ‘05 is calling my name.

just kidding.

i did an image search on google for my name (david beuerman) and this is the only thing i got:

at least it’s actually me.

something no one here prolly cares about, but i want to post anyway. they’re going to build a new baseball stadium in little rock for the minor league (AA) team there. it’s sad to me because we have such an amazing old-school stadium, built in 1932…one of the five oldest stadiums still in use by professional baseball…we still have a live organist. it’s on lots of “best stadiums in america” lists…sports illustrated had some kinda list of ten things to do if you’re a baseball fan in america, and one of them was attend a doubleheader at ray winder. i guess they’re just wanting a new, bigger, more expensive stadium. i guess all good things come to an end. here are some photos…

albums i have bought this week:

snow patrol - final straw
my chemical romance - three cheers for sweet revenge
garden state OST
elliot smith - from a basement on the hill
ben folds five - naked baby photos
straylight run - straylight run
lauryn hill - the miseducation of lauryn hill
berlioz - symphonie fantastique
bruckner - symphony no. 4
bruckner - sym. no. 3
beethoven - string quartets opp. 131 & 132
mozart - symphonies nos. 40 & 41

what can i say? i have no defense. i love music and i cannot have enough. ever. i’ll suspend eating for a few days if i have to. i will say that over half of those albums were less than $6 and the rest of them were under $10. ok, now i have to go read.

so i went and saw friday night lights last night, tuesday night. the first thing i did was spill half of the popcorn i bought on the way to my seat. i don’t usually buy popcorn for movies, but i did, and so it really annoyed me that i had spilled half of it. but i moved past that. anyway, the movie was good. the way i wrote the first part of this paragraph, it seems like i was setting up a long exposition of the movie and my response, but that is never what i intended. so you lose. or maybe i do, cause maybe you’ll stop reading my site. whatever. i liked the movie and i cried at the end when tim mcgraw placed his state-championship ring on his son’s finger. sports movies are always pretty emotional for me because i have always been an athlete and i’ve always been pretty emotional about stuff that i relate to. the only thing that really bothered me about the movie, and this is really only a matter of me being a nerd, is the fact that it didn’t look like 1988 to me, especially the jerseys, equipment and everything like that. a minor thing, but if you’re going to tell me it’s 1988 by repeatedly flashing the dates on the screen throughout the movie, i really need to see that portrayed beyond the music played on the players’ walkmans. like i said, i’m a nerd and i’m sure this bothered about nine other people. anyway, i enjoyed the movie and even got to cry.

and now, here are the lyrics to “pink moon”

I saw it written and I saw it say
Pink moon is on its way
And none of you stand so tall
Pink moon gonna get you all
It’s a pink moon
It’s a pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon.

a word
a spark
a glimmer of hope in his eye,
to ignite the feeling again;
but she can’t see it,
or won’t acknowledge…
so he sits despondent
wishing it was different.

every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around.

when i first heard this line, in the movie vanilla sky, it hit me in the face. sure, it seems like the same sentiment told by countless other people from countless other sources. that at any given moment you could set changes in motion that would alter the course of your life. that you yourself could literally evolve yourself to become more than what you are. i’ll come back to that.

the interesting thing about the way it’s said and presented in this sentence is that it doesn’t break your destiny into a flow of days or months. the line isn’t “this month you could change everything.” what is a month, anyway, but an amalgam of moments and days, good moods and bad, energy and lethargy? a month is impossible to get your arms around, impossible to master and control. even a day sometimes has that vast quality, with its moments of sadness and hope, laughter and pain, and the many mundane activities, chores and responsibilities that we all lump into one abstraction.

but a minute. this minute. right now. nowhere to run. no far-off day, hour even, when we’re convinced things will change for real…for good. thinking things will change next week leaves time for things to stay the same. a minute seems to be something we can control, because there is nothing else but that moment. the decision you make in the next 60 seconds could be one to alter your life, or it could be one to remain the same.

i guess the question is how. or perhaps more accurately, what. what do you change? what first step do you take to resolve the inconsistent longings of your heart? there is only one that will yield any significant result: surrender. surrender your life, your will, your need to Jesus Christ, who is and forevermore will be the One you seek, and the One who gives Life to life. chained to Christ you will have no choice but to change your life. it is the defining moment of life, or it is the lack of a defining moment in life. submit yourself, then, to God…and he will lift you up. not unto your desires, but unto that which will bring him glory.

submit yourself to God every minute, lest you stay apart from him. the true change begins upon surrender, surrender which must take place every minute. true submission is not a battle of motives and desires, seeking to compromise. there is no compromise. either you are in submission to God, or you are in rebellion against him.

this minute is another opportunity to turn it all around.

this minute is another opportunity to choose: submit to God, or continue in rebellion against Him.

so here’s what happened:

i was driving home from illinois, and the lovely joan, and stopped to fill up with gas in springfield, mo. i put in $29 and went to pay at the register. i looked in my wallet and only had a $20 left, so i gave them my debit card. and the machine rejected it. they tried a few times, and it kept rejecting it, so i went to the atm in the station and it did the same thing. their computer actually told them to confiscate my card and cut it up, but i showed them my ID and everything and so they called arvest bank to see what was up. arvest talked to me to verify my name and address and SSN and then told the store that they weren’t sure what the problem was because, according to their computer, the card and account and everything were normal and working and all that. so they told the lady that they’d contact the credit card dept. or whatever and call back in five minutes. well, when they called back, they just told the lady that the card had been reported lost or stolen and to confiscate and destroy it. i was like, awesome, cause i only had $20 to pay for $29 of gas. they called the owner and he told them to call the police and basically i got a ticket for petty theft for stealing gas because i couldn’t pay for $9 of it. and i’m supposed to appear in court on november 5. obviously i have to go because if i pay it that is admitting guilt and then i’ll have petty theft on my record and also my license will be suspended. now, i think that the bank is liable for all this because it should have been working. in fact, i had just used it earlier at wal-mart. so i’m going to be suing arvest bank for $300,000. ok, maybe not, but i defintely am needing to work this all out, so prayer would be appreciated.

so the ben folds concert was terrrrific. he’s just a cool dude playin’ some totally sweet songs. he played a ton of new stuff that he just finished recording, as well as many of the tunes from the eps. the new album comes out…someday. according to ben, it “sounds fairly decent.” anyway, the new songs are great and i’m really forward to having them on disc. the show was probably half solo, half with drummer and bassist. this could be the worst review of a concert ever, but i don’t care. after all, it wasn’t the most exciting thing about this weekend…

joan is so wonderful. i was so excited to hang out with her this weekend and i wasn’t let down. her smile is infectious, i tell you. not that i wouldn’t have a reason to smile, anyway, because i’m thrilled that a girl like her is interested in giving a boy like me a chance. lots-o-fun and dancing.

hip-hop hooray, ho.

and here are the songs that i recall ben playing (the ones that aren’t new, obviously). i forgot a pen and paper to write the set down, so this is in no order:

one down
improv song (the long arm of state farm)
army (complete with audience sax and trumpet parts)
zak & sara
all u can eat
there’s always someone cooler than you
get your hands off my woman
rockin’ the suburbs
luckiest
philosophy
still fighting it
not the same
carrying cathy
rockstar
tiny dancer
hiro’s song
eddie walker

that’s all i remember, plus the new stuff. it was rockin’

i love crossword puzzles. you get to have fun and learn at the same time. i was so excited to learn that the u of a’s newspaper, which comes out every weekday except tuesday, carries a new crossword in each issue. and so everyday you can see me with my paper folded length-wise on the puzzle page, pencil in hand and brow furrowed, testing my knowledge against the clues. some of ‘em are so difficult and i get so frustrated…i guess i don’t know everything. so i turn to the dictionary and work until i finish it. i learn at least one new word a day. so from now on i will be posting a word a day, but i leave it up to you to look it up. dictionary.com will take care of you. don’t be lazy. learn.

today’s word - flummox