Ξ November 30th, 2004 | → 0 Comments | ∇ rants |
today notre dame fired its head football coach, ty willingham. in three seasons he went 21-15 and took the team to two bowlgames. yet he was fired. i wish athletic directors could have a little more patience instead of demanding immediate success. it’s very rare that a coach can come in and make a drastic turn-around. he’s gotta have time to recruit players that fit his system and work to perfect what he’s trying to do. i don’t think three seasons is long enough. and that’s not even what i wanted to write about.
the headline for the willingham story read something like this: “only two black head coaches left in div. I-A.” so? the write went on to talk about black coaches for much of his article, and i just don’t understand why these sorts of things have to be made into a race issue. he was fired because he didn’t win the games demanded by the school. tough luck, but i don’t think race relations has any place in a story like this. i’m not denying that there was ever/still is racial prejudice, because it was a very real problem. but i sincerely think that it is not as much in the forefront of people’s thought as it once was. except for the fact that the media keeps making a huge deal out of it. for the most part, i think blacks have the same opportunities as whites. it shouldn’t matter how many coaches of a certain race there are, just so long as their race isn’t a factor in whether they attain those kind of jobs. put it to rest.
thanksgiving break was decent. we went to central texas where my cousins live (marble falls) because my brother, who is in the aggie band, had to be in austin on friday for the big game. i, meanwhile, stayed at the house and watched the hogs get demolished on national tv. it was brutal. and the saddest thing is that matt jones is gone. i can’t believe it. anyway, i’m about ready for this semester to end so that i can start afresh next semester. i’m also ready to be on stage again, playing with my band. i watched a video last night of one of our concerts, and it was making me so happy to watch it. it was kinda sad, too, though, cause it’s been so long, so long since i’ve had that much fun.
the new u2 album is glorious. you can buy it $8.84 at wal-mart, $8.99 at circuit city or $9.99 at best buy. i recommend you get yourself to one of those stores and make a purchase.
in other news, i’ve been pretty sad recently because i feel like i’m in a tailspin with a lot of things in life. i lost joan again, for the last time, and i’m struggling to cope with that. i feel, once again, that i’m the supposed “great guy” who never seems to be great enough to date. i’m just friends with a lot of girls, i guess, and i’m thankful for those friendships, especially in times like these. but it’s hard to not feel rejected, and i’ve never handled rejection particularly well. basically i’m just very confused and unsure of myself and who i’m supposed to be and where i’m supposed to go.
so here i am. mostly writing for my own benefit, i suppose. my life is a tangled mess right now. and as i search for a way out, all i ever seem to do is plunge into a deeper hole. why should i continue at this? the answer is never the same and never convincing. as i am now, i’m worthless to everyone. i have no motivation to even try anymore. and although i’m told i have potential (in who knows what), i can’t find it. i can’t subscribe to it. i can’t even pin down what it is i want. i’m just like a bubble being tossed by the breath of someone else’s air. there is no point to where i’m going, i’m just floating there. i have trouble acting normal because i don’t know what normal is for me anymore. i feel numbness. nothing really bothers me except the lack of me. i can’t define my life. what does that mean? i think i’m no one. and by that i mean that my personality fluxes with each passing current, with every different person or group that i come into contact with. i try to adjust my self to be whatever the group lacks. in a group with one, or several, center-of-attention people, i become a fringe-dweller. i don’t say much; rather i take in everything that happens. but i feel like i’m observing from outside, not as if i am part of the group. however, in the case of an assemblage of a few people, none of which are willing to grab the center of attention, i will. i do this at concerts with my band. i talk to the crowd, try and make them laugh, and often succeed. but before and after the show, i’m often relegated, by my mind, to the fringe again. why does this happen? why can’t i choose one, or maybe a combination, instead of being polar opposites? this puzzles and disturbs me.
i feel rebellious, but against what? i want to smash something. but then i stop and think of the consequences and decide that wouldn’t be such a good idea. that’s not being rebellious. that’s being tied to the rules. i’m not sure why i want to smash something, or even what i would smash if i were to do it, but the urge exists and each time is contained. which is most definitely fortunate. i don’t want to do anything rash that i would later regret. because i would regret it. especially if there was no meaning behind it. which brings me back to where i began. what is my purpose? i know that my singular purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever…but i don’t know what specific purpose he has deigned for my particular existence. where will i end up? and can i, should i, break my mold? and how? i hope the answers come soon…come quickly.
words can never fix
what actions tore apart
and it seems far out
that i could ever reach
that place again
where i knew your love
where i felt your love
and rested in peace.
my feelings are mixed,
like colors on an artist’s palette,
and they glow wonderful;
is it love?
what i need now is to reach
again into your heart
and find the place
where i knew your love
and where i felt your love
and knew peace
i got broken up with…again…by the same girl. by my count, this is the fourth time in about 6 weeks, so i’m done. i can’t give any more to her. i did everything i knew how, but apparently that wasn’t good enough. i’m frustrated with the way it went. that’s all i can say right now.
Ξ November 18th, 2004 | → 1 Comments | ∇ poems |
hey girl
i just said goodbye to you
for the first time
i hope it’s not without a next
so here i am drivin’ away
a little unsure
but hopeful for somethin’ more
and i’ve been listenin’ all night
to any love song i can find
but nothin’ comes close
to being right for what i feel
so i guess it’s up to me
and i don’t have much
except to say
without you
i’m not the same
when i’m with you
i’m not the same
and it feels so right
to hold you in my arms
like nothin’s ever gonna bring me down
so come on, baby, let’s dance
till the night has come and gone
and wish upon a star
that our dreams will never die
and when dawn breaks
i won’t run away, i swear
cause i see that with you
i’m finally me
All of David’s old Blogger posts have been imported. 
so i’ve pretty much decided to stay another semester at the ua and add a minor in philosophy. what can i say, i like to think.
i really need to start exercising. and by exercising, i mean going to the gym to play hoops. i’ll need to go at 3am so no one can see me building a brick wall, but i really need some physical exertion.
can anyone say bland? my, this journal is…
annnd i’ve got nothin’. i’m like a dry well of interesting things to say. i played soccer wednesday night in the rain, so that was kinda fun; i’m not a soccer player, but i like playing. ok, so…i’ve got xanga block or something…sorry to anyone who expected more substance. uh, right. seriously, what is my problem? this sure isn’t going to get me more comments, which is my goal, because that would make me fiercely cool, so i guess i’ll just quit before…aaauuuugggghhhhh
Ξ November 1st, 2004 | → 1 Comments | ∇ poems |
i know i’ve posted this one before, but it’s how i feel right now, and i don’t want to write another poem.
#unknown
in my room i try finding solace
from a cloistral life i keep alone,
but outside the world keeps spinnin’ by,
waving hello…and then goodbye.
and i can’t find exact change,
so i can climb on board and
perhaps find my place inside
this not-so-merry-go-round.
excuse me, please,
i know i’m behind,
just give me a chance…
i’m runnin’ to make you believe
i’m worth somethin’ more
than what i’ve done so far.
i have recently developed a sense of appreciation for art that i didn’t posess a few years ago. especially for modern art. for instance, this piece
is a beethoven portrait by andy warhol. and i just think it’s the coolest thing. three years ago, i woulda said that jackson pollock was an idiot, but nowadays i have a deep appreciation for him and others that were truly revolutionaries in their thinking. these people weren’t, for the most part, seeking to be as weird as possible…they were looking for their voice. on the flip side, there are a lot of imitators who think they are doing something creative when really it is just nonsense. but wait a second…who am i to say something like that? i’ve never successfully painted anything, much less come out with something original. it’s such a fine line to walk when criticizing art, because someone poured their being into this work…something that represents a piece of them. there are, i think, cases of posers, and i think those guys are fairly easy to weed out. but it’s sad to me to see such harsh criticism for anything, because i know just how much hard work goes into preparing the product. and then to have it slammed by a bunch of people that are only critcs because they can’t do it themselves…it must be very disheartening. and so i try my best to sincerely look at a work of art and think about how it reacts with me. i find it to make a much more enjoyable experience than simply saying “i like” or “i hate.”
pollock:
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