killer diller

the new u2 album is glorious. you can buy it $8.84 at wal-mart, $8.99 at circuit city or $9.99 at best buy. i recommend you get yourself to one of those stores and make a purchase.

in other news, i’ve been pretty sad recently because i feel like i’m in a tailspin with a lot of things in life. i lost joan again, for the last time, and i’m struggling to cope with that. i feel, once again, that i’m the supposed “great guy” who never seems to be great enough to date. i’m just friends with a lot of girls, i guess, and i’m thankful for those friendships, especially in times like these. but it’s hard to not feel rejected, and i’ve never handled rejection particularly well. basically i’m just very confused and unsure of myself and who i’m supposed to be and where i’m supposed to go.

so here i am. mostly writing for my own benefit, i suppose. my life is a tangled mess right now. and as i search for a way out, all i ever seem to do is plunge into a deeper hole. why should i continue at this? the answer is never the same and never convincing. as i am now, i’m worthless to everyone. i have no motivation to even try anymore. and although i’m told i have potential (in who knows what), i can’t find it. i can’t subscribe to it. i can’t even pin down what it is i want. i’m just like a bubble being tossed by the breath of someone else’s air. there is no point to where i’m going, i’m just floating there. i have trouble acting normal because i don’t know what normal is for me anymore. i feel numbness. nothing really bothers me except the lack of me. i can’t define my life. what does that mean? i think i’m no one. and by that i mean that my personality fluxes with each passing current, with every different person or group that i come into contact with. i try to adjust my self to be whatever the group lacks. in a group with one, or several, center-of-attention people, i become a fringe-dweller. i don’t say much; rather i take in everything that happens. but i feel like i’m observing from outside, not as if i am part of the group. however, in the case of an assemblage of a few people, none of which are willing to grab the center of attention, i will. i do this at concerts with my band. i talk to the crowd, try and make them laugh, and often succeed. but before and after the show, i’m often relegated, by my mind, to the fringe again. why does this happen? why can’t i choose one, or maybe a combination, instead of being polar opposites? this puzzles and disturbs me.

i feel rebellious, but against what? i want to smash something. but then i stop and think of the consequences and decide that wouldn’t be such a good idea. that’s not being rebellious. that’s being tied to the rules. i’m not sure why i want to smash something, or even what i would smash if i were to do it, but the urge exists and each time is contained. which is most definitely fortunate. i don’t want to do anything rash that i would later regret. because i would regret it. especially if there was no meaning behind it. which brings me back to where i began. what is my purpose? i know that my singular purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever…but i don’t know what specific purpose he has deigned for my particular existence. where will i end up? and can i, should i, break my mold? and how? i hope the answers come soon…come quickly.

words can never fix
what actions tore apart
and it seems far out
that i could ever reach
that place again
where i knew your love
where i felt your love
and rested in peace.

my feelings are mixed,
like colors on an artist’s palette,
and they glow wonderful;
is it love?
what i need now is to reach
again into your heart
and find the place
where i knew your love
and where i felt your love
and knew peace