the dreaming tree

happy christmas, everyone. i’m driving, actually i’m riding, with my family to texas tomorrow, to a little town called marble falls. yes, it will be a fun time there with cousins and uncles and aunts. i also want to be sure everyone knows it’s my birthday in a little over a week, on the 2nd, so be sure to surprise me with something. unless you don’t want to. that’s ok, too. i’ll try to be happy anyway.

today…well, yesterday, was beethoven’s birthday. he’s dead now, so that’s sad, but he hooked us up with some great music to use for cell phone rings.

and now, the 17th, is my sister’s birthday. she is 22. everyone say, heeeeyyyy!

as much as i hate admitting it, i care an awful lot about how people perceive me and how accepted i am. i like to think i’m one of the cool ones, one of the ones that doesn’t bother with thinking about how others perceive me, one who just does his own thing and is always fine with it. but i’m not. it tears me up inside. am i living up to people’s expectations, good or bad? am i being cool enough? i especially hate being in a group where i want so badly to be accepted and all i can do is sit silently and wish something brilliant or funny would enter my mind, so that i could break the perception that i am the superior boring person there. but it doesn’t happen, and i sink deeper into a self-created pit of sullenness and further from being fun. and that sucks for everyone.

from my friends in as cities burn

and i will hold
i will hold your head above the water
while the current pulls me under
as long as you have breath, my dear
i will dance with death

and i will hang my life in the space between
the noose and your neck
and i won’t let you die just yet

i will love you even when you won’t let me
and you will kill me by doing nothing
(nothing, nothing)
but i know it’s not you, my dear, i know it’s not you
i know it’s not you, my dear
it’s the nothing that kills

i can’t save you
control is something out of mine
no i can’t save you
control is something out of my control

i will love you even when you won’t let me
and you will kill me by doing nothing
but i know it’s not you, my dear, i know it’s not you
i know it’s not you, my dear
it’s the nothing that kills
nothing

i can’t save you, but i will love you
i can’t save you, but i will love you
i can’t save you, but i will love you
i can’t save you
but i will love you
i like to think that this is love
lost in second chances without end
this is romance
this is romance

tonight the university symphony orchestra had a concert at central united methodist church. it went well, even though we were all crammed into the provided space. we played the bach magnificat and a piece called in terra pax, by gerald finzi. don’t worry, i’d never heard of it, either. there was also a hurricane tonight…or at least a lot of rain. umm…i’m bored. and this is completely uninteresting, even to me. i miss joan.