the dreaming tree

i’m in love with a girl
who doesn’t even know my name
but that’s alright
cause i’m not too familiar
with her either

so how long will i spin
in a cycle of lost causes
and broken hearts
cause i don’t know
how much more i can take

as i totter back and forth
between waves of distress
and feel vainly devoted
to a promise beyond
my understanding

i’d rather sing and dance
and laugh outloud
and write a song
that i’ll only play for you
when we fall in love

but even as i write these words
my mind speeds down
that lonely desert highway
while my heart strains
to hitch a ride home

so here’s to you
my love
when you hear me
i’ll be screaming
she’s mine forever

and she will be my romance

tomorrow this man:

will be at my school. yes…it’s mr. belding on campus doing a “show” in which he talks about experiences on saved by the bell and…motivational-type stuff, apparently. so yeah, that’s tomorrow night at friday night live here on the campus of the university of arkansas. who’s coming?

the first two weeks of the semester are almost done and things are going really well so far. i haven’t missed class and i’ve been doing my homework. how d’ya like them apples?

someday i will be more to somebody than just a friend…and by somebody i obviously mean girl. i seem to be pretty adept at establishing and maintaining non-dating relationships with girls, up to the very brink of possibly moving it forward, when something happens that causes the friendship to change, and that something is usually another guy that becomes her boyfriend. so what is it about me that makes me a great guy, but just not quite boyfriend material? perhaps it’s not always because of me, but simply the result of the situation. my style is to become friends and take it slowly; i don’t like to start a friendship under the auspices of a “relationship,” because it doesn’t put any pressure on the friendship, at least not from my point of view. and maybe that’s where i’m wrong. maybe while i’m sitting back and simply enjoying a friendship, waiting to see if anything more substantial develops, the girl is left wondering what my intentions are, and when i don’t make a move, decides i’m not interested and moves on, reserving our friendship for just that: a friendship. however, i’m not sure that i could just start a dating relationship with someone who i barely know, because first and foremost to me, i’m looking for a friend. i’m looking for my best friend for the rest of my life. and so i want to develop that friendship at the outset and reserve and preserve anything potentially romantic. i’ve made mistakes before and i’ll make them again, but the one mistake i want to avoid more than any other in friendship is too much intimacy too fast. it’s too hard to lose that and realize that you’ve given something away to someone who shouldn’t have it. but i still want to be friends with people, guys and girls. it’s tough to know where to draw the line and when to know a friendship is headed down a certain path, and i don’t really have a conclusion here. God has a plan that’s hard for me to trust and obey. i don’t even seek his guidance half the time–probably more than half the time–so how can i expect a happy ending? the only happy ending is within his plan, and if i’m not seeking that, i’m gonna be disappointed.

in my room i seek solace from
a cloistral life that keeps me alone,
and outside the world keeps spinnin’ by,
waving hello and then goodbye.

but i can’t find the exact change i need
so i can climb on board and take a ride;
perhaps find a place inside
this not-so-merry-go-round
and see if it’s worth the risk
to find whatever i seek

so i don’t know what i’ll get,
but here’s that song,
the one that you’ll hear
and fall in love with me,
because what i seek
is not within myself…
it’s what you do to me;
cause i’m set with affection,
but at a loss for the words
i need to convince you.

excuse me please
i know i’m behind,
just give me a chance…
i’m runnin’ to make you believe
i’m not a lost cause,
i can be somethin’ more.

i had something to say, but now i don’t feel like typing or anything. i’m terrible at communication, though…so maybe i’ll just store my thoughts for another time. here’s a poem:

tell me something beautiful,
but maybe not so typical
as a walk on the beach
or cuddling by the fire,
cause i need more
than just air to breathe,
or a sweet idea
of what love is meant to be.

and through it all
i pinch myself;
but i’m trapped in restless sleep,
looking for the dream
that i want to awake to,
but it flickers away in a
mist of misunderstanding
and causes pity to rain down
and wash the ground
away into nothing.

and so day after day
i sit lonesome,
wishing for something typical;
just for starters i’ll build you a fire,
and we can walk along the beach
to your heart’s desire,
if you promise not to go,
and i’ll call you beautiful,
because that’s what you are.

i think i’m going to apply to be a dj at the university radio station. it’s a volunteer gig, so maybe my lack of experience won’t hurt me too bad. the three types of positions are rotation, freeform and genre, and i’m thinking the one i’d like to do is freeform, cause it means i can play whatever i want in my time slot. the only drawback is that those slots are from midnight to 6am, two hours each, but i think that’s what i’d rather do. and that’s all i got for now…what should my dj name be?

i don’t want to grow up…unless i have my wendy.

this was on meg’s site:

life is a series of events. many are perceived as unfortunate, especially by me. but the truth is, all things are working together harmoniously in God’s plan, the goal of which is to bring him honor and glory forever and ever. and for those that love God, everything is working for our good, not our detriment. so why, then, do i let consequences get me down? i need more grace to realize that nothing in my life happens outside of his knowledge and love, and instead of allowing my mind to roam away from his promises everytime something doesn’t go my way, it’d be nice to graciously accept that i don’t know what’s best for me and to humbly submit my life and will to his. but i rebel and run away, try to fix things on my own, and end up getting in more trouble, or feeling further from God. i need more grace.

“love is friendship set on fire” – jeremy taylor (english clergyman, writer and bishop, 1613-1667)

more on this as it develops.

sometimes i feel like i’m drowning within my own mind. i can’t see a lifeboat or a life-preserver anywhere in sight, and sometimes i don’t even care, because what good is there in saving me? is there really anything within me that warrants salvation? i’m not so sure. would this world miss me? i don’t want to be here if i’m not going to be worthwhile to somebody. i want a life worth remembering, not one easily forgotten. give me a reason to live.

i watched highlander tonight and was struck by the thought that if you were immortal, how long would it be before your brain was so full of memories and knowledge that it either burst or just quit working?

and now, some quotes from family guy. hit f5 and you’ll see two different ones. do it again and you’ll see two different ones again. that will keep happening until you stop pressing f5. oh, and sorry for any typos…there’s nothing i can do about them.