shibbiness

someday i will be more to somebody than just a friend…and by somebody i obviously mean girl. i seem to be pretty adept at establishing and maintaining non-dating relationships with girls, up to the very brink of possibly moving it forward, when something happens that causes the friendship to change, and that something is usually another guy that becomes her boyfriend. so what is it about me that makes me a great guy, but just not quite boyfriend material? perhaps it’s not always because of me, but simply the result of the situation. my style is to become friends and take it slowly; i don’t like to start a friendship under the auspices of a “relationship,” because it doesn’t put any pressure on the friendship, at least not from my point of view. and maybe that’s where i’m wrong. maybe while i’m sitting back and simply enjoying a friendship, waiting to see if anything more substantial develops, the girl is left wondering what my intentions are, and when i don’t make a move, decides i’m not interested and moves on, reserving our friendship for just that: a friendship. however, i’m not sure that i could just start a dating relationship with someone who i barely know, because first and foremost to me, i’m looking for a friend. i’m looking for my best friend for the rest of my life. and so i want to develop that friendship at the outset and reserve and preserve anything potentially romantic. i’ve made mistakes before and i’ll make them again, but the one mistake i want to avoid more than any other in friendship is too much intimacy too fast. it’s too hard to lose that and realize that you’ve given something away to someone who shouldn’t have it. but i still want to be friends with people, guys and girls. it’s tough to know where to draw the line and when to know a friendship is headed down a certain path, and i don’t really have a conclusion here. God has a plan that’s hard for me to trust and obey. i don’t even seek his guidance half the time–probably more than half the time–so how can i expect a happy ending? the only happy ending is within his plan, and if i’m not seeking that, i’m gonna be disappointed.

in my room i seek solace from
a cloistral life that keeps me alone,
and outside the world keeps spinnin’ by,
waving hello and then goodbye.

but i can’t find the exact change i need
so i can climb on board and take a ride;
perhaps find a place inside
this not-so-merry-go-round
and see if it’s worth the risk
to find whatever i seek

so i don’t know what i’ll get,
but here’s that song,
the one that you’ll hear
and fall in love with me,
because what i seek
is not within myself…
it’s what you do to me;
cause i’m set with affection,
but at a loss for the words
i need to convince you.

excuse me please
i know i’m behind,
just give me a chance…
i’m runnin’ to make you believe
i’m not a lost cause,
i can be somethin’ more.