the dreaming tree

i wish i could grow up again. not necessarily so i could change the way things are, but simply to experience things from new and different perspectives. maybe i’d live in california this time around. maybe i go to private schools. maybe i never play baseball. how would my personality and self change as a result of just a few differences? today at wal-mart i saw a mother showing her son a butterfly perched on a flower, and i sat there and watched the boy seeing with young eyes, eyes that haven’t seen the world for what it is. he was filled with awe and wonder, and he passed it to me, even for such a simple thing. i loved the place it took me–wondering about my own experiences and early explorations of life and the palette i drew from. and then i thought, hallelujah…there is so much more to learn, to see, to grasp, to ponder, to touch…to be.

i’m being passed by. friends, or just people i’ve known in the past, are advancing in their lives, progressing as they are supposed to, engaging new things…while i am stuck in the same place i’ve been for years. i might have regressed more than a little bit. people are getting married, graduating from school…accomplishing. but not me. i wonder if i’ll always be a nothing man, if i’ll always be no more than a dream of something worthwhile. it scares me.

last night i went to a party…i mean a real college-type party, with drinking, loud music, marijuana and even a little nudity. i spent the entire party either sitting alone or wondering from group to group, hoping to find a conversation i could join…but i couldn’t fit in, i couldn’t be a typical party-goer and have fun (whatever that is). while i’ve often wished to be popular, i’ve never really had a desire to be among that demographic, and last night proved why. i’d rather be with two or three friends and have actual conversations about real things, rather than “party.” i just hate being in situations like that. i’m not going to fault those that do enjoy partying, but it’s not for me.

this weekend was busy. it started on friday night as i saw war of the worlds and wedding crashers, which i both enjoyed. then on saturday i played ultimate frisbee all day in the s.t.f. tournament here in fayetteville. that equaled six games in the hot, hot heat of july arkansas, although there was a brief thundershower and some wind that magically cooled things down for a good time. my team (boys named sue) went 2-4 on saturday, so we didn’t make the final bracket for sunday. so on sunday i went and watched the championship and then played pick-up games for a few hours. this evening i saw charlie and the chocolate factory, and i thoroughly enjoyed that, especially because it was actually like the book, unlike the “original” with gene wilder…a movie that still haunts me. anyway, there’s your weekend update on david’s life. now you can all dream.

hey girl
i just kissed you goodbye
for the first time,
i hope it’s not without a next…
and here i am drivin’ away:
a little more than nervous,
but this time it’s ok.

and i’ve been listenin’ all night
to any love song i can find,
but nothin’ comes quite close
to sayin’ what my heart is screamin’,
so i guess it’s up to me
and my cliché words:

without you
i’m not the same
when i’m with you
i’m not the same
and to hold you in my arms
is like nothin could ever gonna bring me down

c’mon now, baby, let’s dance
till the night has come and gone;
and we’ll wish upon neverending stars
while dreams too deep for idle words
surround the shape of our hearts

and when dawn breaks
i won’t run away, i swear
cause i see that with you
i’m finally me

in the days since i last posted, father maple has played two very special shows. ok, they were really small with an average of like 10 people attending, but fun times were had by all involved, i believe. i threw my bass again at the end of the set at thrio’s and broke the screw that holds my strap. how very rock ‘n’ roll, no? in other news, i am jealous of my bandmates. you see, they have girlfriends and i have no one. so please, if you are a girl and think you would want to date a rockstar, contact me and we’ll see what happens. thanks for reading and goodnight.

i’m sorry to say
i no longer believe
the in-between lies
that made it seem so real:
what was stolen away
will become my lost cause;
the way you taught me to cry
fake tears, i shudder to think
anything could mean less
than the unrequited love
hiding in your feel-good
presentations of sincerity.

i love my band. we’re good. and getting better. so come see us play in our hour of growth. then you can say you saw father maple before…well, before we broke up, at least. but that could be in 9 years, so you probably have time. anyway, we’re playing @ the soundstage in conway on friday the 15th of july with bear flag revolt. your face will be on the floor.

exciting news: i joined an ultimate league in fayetteville! yes, it deserves an exclamation mark. now i will not be without ultimate for the rest of the summer as i had feared. they also play pick-up on thursdays, and after my first day of playing on tuesday, it seems that there are more great players than there are in little rock, so hopefully that’ll stretch my game and i’ll get better. and the other news is that, for the very first time, i own a cell phone. yes, it’s true…so, who wants to call me?

and now a poem…

maybe there are bright lights up ahead,
but right now it’s so dark that
even the lighthouse is glowing dead,
and my heart makes its home within.

suddenly i see a sign:
it’s flashing red, insistent,
and i know i’ve got to get away,
but it’s so comfortable here.

so i hang on to my illusion,
resolved to stay
cause what’s the worse that could happen?
who’s that calling my name?

run away, run away
the bright lights shout:
their luminant voices
hurt my eyes and sting my mouth

i’m fighting the truth,
and though i know i’m not right,
the battle rages on,
screaming through the night;

at last the darkness defeated flees
and i can no longer resist,
so i crumble into the flame:
my thirst quenched.

i am
           a brok 
                   ,de)from(es   ne

fa
   ll
     ing                  and(my tree)
                 nwod 
                          (wounded)
             down               
                          do
                              wn    
 into what               softly
i               perc(bleeding)eive
             as
;evol                             

        and       i       am
                                            (enraptured(anew)

thank you to everyone who came to arkadelphia for the show friday night. we had a lot of fun playing and i hope ya’ll enjoyed it as much as we did. check out the new father maple xanga at http://www.xanga.com/fathermaple. it’ll feature updates, concert stories and other fun things.

next on my slate is summer school at fayetteville, where i will be taking spanish ii and american film survey. it’ll be school, but i’m gonna try my best not to complain and just do the work. i’m leaving monday, so you have one more day to see me if you’re in little rock.

in other news i’m an idiot. i hurt people without even realizing it because i’m too busy thinking of myself or trying to be cool instead of being aware of others’ feelings and needs. and for that i deeply apologize. turns out i’m not as great as i think i am, and i need more of God’s grace than ever. please be patient with me and my wicked heart.