nothing and what i am

i’m being passed by. friends, or just people i’ve known in the past, are advancing in their lives, progressing as they are supposed to, engaging new things…while i am stuck in the same place i’ve been for years. i might have regressed more than a little bit. people are getting married, graduating from school…accomplishing. but not me. i wonder if i’ll always be a nothing man, if i’ll always be no more than a dream of something worthwhile. it scares me.

last night i went to a party…i mean a real college-type party, with drinking, loud music, marijuana and even a little nudity. i spent the entire party either sitting alone or wondering from group to group, hoping to find a conversation i could join…but i couldn’t fit in, i couldn’t be a typical party-goer and have fun (whatever that is). while i’ve often wished to be popular, i’ve never really had a desire to be among that demographic, and last night proved why. i’d rather be with two or three friends and have actual conversations about real things, rather than “party.” i just hate being in situations like that. i’m not going to fault those that do enjoy partying, but it’s not for me.