the dreaming tree

(expanded from a comment on lara’s post about munich)

i just went and saw munich last night, and it was so intense and the characters were so motivated by hatred that it seems hard to believe life actually runs that way for so many…but spielberg did a good job of showing how real it is, and how quickly it can escalate and spiral out of the control of everyone involved. it was scary when i began to consider that those events really happened, and how utterly blinded the men who planned and carried it out are by centuries of mutual animosity. and it really makes me sad that such deep-seated enmity exists in the world. so many clamor for peace and understanding, but as long as they seek it by way of human wisdom, rather than through Christ, i’m afraid no real change is going to occur.

“peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication” - derek webb

and the last shot with the twin towers in it…my roommate and i couldn’t even think of a word to describe how it made us feel.

get ready, here’s another potentially long and boring post with no resolution.

i’ve been having difficulty lately, it seems, with forming original thoughts, or even thinking like i’m accustomed to thinking. i can’t write poems cause i can’t come up with any ideas, or develop the meager ones i have; i struggle to finish school assignments when the answers are literally right in front of me…i’m having a hard time just writing a stupid xanga post. i’m on adderall, which is for add if you didn’t know, and that’s supposed to help me concentrate–sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. maybe it’s one of the other medications i’m taking. it doesn’t seem like i feel or experience emotions as deeply as i once did, at least not too often. i’m still introspective/introverted, but a lot of the time it’s like my mind is looking at a blank wall and there’s nothing to introspect about. (of course right now i’m managing to accomplish at least a little thought.) another thing is that i’m having trouble thinking of the right words to use to express my thoughts, however shallow they may have become, or even sometimes in my assignments i have to think and grasp for the right words, which may or may not present themselves to me.

i don’t want to be on medications that take away so much depth from my mind, if indeed that is what is causing my present state. however, at the same time, it appears they may be necessary for me to function on a somewhat dependable basis. that is a thought that greatly annoys and frightens me. do i have a choice? yes, of course i have a choice, but what i have to consider is what will be most profitable for my life. i’m just generally frustrated, with practical life and the problems i encounter (which are certainly not much different from anyone else’s), trying to figure things out and arriving at no conclusion, and especially at the apparent decline of my mind. as per usual, i don’t know what to do, or if there’s anything i can do.

imogen heap rocks my face.

i’m pretty much all moved into my new apartment in fayetteville, but i’m kinda apprehensive about being here. i’m not going to be taking any classes, and for some reason i don’t feel like i know anyone here. that’s not completely true, and even if it was, it’s not like there’s a lot of people in little rock who i know…besides, i don’t even really hang out that often, even when the option is available. definitely being far away from the band is a big part of this, but i feel like there’s more to it. i don’t like having to be responsible for so many necessary things in life, like paying bills or buying groceries and other ordinary things. i want a personal manager, aka parents, to do it all for me. it’s ridiculous, but it’s true. i should’ve been on my own and supporting myself years ago, but for whatever reason, i’ve failed to mature to that level. i’m scared of having to find and maintain a “real” job. i don’t want to be part of the real world. i like to sit around and write poems and think about life (but in a philosophical way, not about what tasks i need to take care of) and play music and listen to music and think and read–none of which really help to accomplish…life. i have a tough time being disciplined when no one is around to make, or at least encourage, me to do so. i want to change that…or so i say. at least, i know i need to change, but that is oh so hard. the first step is finishing what i start, and right now that is the correspondence classes i’m registered for at the university. i have until march 8, and i’m pretty far behind, but that’s my current goal, and i really want to reach it…i just need help. asking God would be a good idea, but the problem is that i always ask in the context of my will, rather than seeking his first and only. so there’s a lot of change needing to occur, and i want to embrace it. for the time being i’m in fayetteville, and i think it’d be good if i stop dreading that and just make the best out of the circumstance, do what i need to, and wait to see what God wants.

i just bought the rattle and hum dvd for $4.88 at wal-mart. what a great day.

father maple will be playing a show on march 31st in arkadelphia @ thrio’s. it is andrew osenga’s cd release show for his upcoming cd. also playing will be one derek webb. yes…my dreams are coming true. i’m gonna go freak out now.

uhh…i’m boring.

father maple show on saturday @ the powerhouse in jonesboro. we’re opening for some band that’s apparently signed, so i think it’ll be a good show. we played on live television yesterday during a miss arkansas send-her-to-miss-america-pageant fundraiser…that went ok. it was really kinda strange, but still fun.

here’s three hot people and a lumberjack:

and i’ve got nothing else. good grief.